my heart is breaking

[kermitdfrog]

Saturday I got up, felt good and went about my day. Laid out in the sun, talked to friends on the phone, and just generally felt fairly upbeat. One of the reasons was that I started thinking maybe God intervened and set up situations to slow the D down (not only is my H busy with his mom in the hospital, but he has some fear of potentially losing his longest-term contract, which I keep thinking would make it hard to afford this divorce!)

But then, the phone rang. It was H saying he was on his way over with the financial papers for the divorce. He couldn't stay long because he needed to get to his nephew's reception. Dang! I seriously felt so let down. Besides that, he said "You know, you don't really need to sit with my mom if you don't want to. I mean, with the rest of us at the party and everything. I'm trying to be sensitive" and of course my emotions took over. I said "You know I would love to be at the party" and he said "Then why aren't you going?" and I said "I don't feel wanted. If the circumstances were different, I'd be there. But it would be awkward" and he said "Of course you're wanted. (nephew) would love for you to be there." And I just said "No, S and I are going to see your mom. Have fun and tell everyone hi" I got off the phone and cried. Later I texted him and said I was sorry for getting a little emotional on the phone. I said "I am better now" Anyway, I was in the shower when he came by, so I didn't see him. I was really hurt that he didn't at least come in the bathroom and say hi.

So S and I went to be with his mom at the hospital. I am actually really glad we did. She seemed happy we were there, and she was missing the party, as well, so I was glad we could brighten her day. We gave her some ice cream, and I fed it to her, and I texted H at the party to tell him that she was doing well. They all were worried about her I'm sure. After the hospital, S and I went to dinner and then to get frozen yogurt. It was really kind of an enjoyable night.

So later, H called me from the party. He seemed to want some reassurance. Some of the family accused him of being insensitive because he keeps saying he thinks his mom is dying. He also gave some of the grandkids some things from her house that they had been promised. His sister got upset because she thought he was acting prematurely, since no one knows if she will be able to go back and live in the house yet. I actually agree. I have felt like my H has been in a hurry to "get rid" of his mom, like he is doing with me. Anyone who stands in his way of his career and "ministry" he just wants gone. I'm not saying he wants her to die, but she is cramping his style so he wants her gone. In a nursing home, or whatever. He really has gotten cold and unemotional. It's sad. But anyway, he seemed a bit stressed about it so I tried to comfort him. He also asked my opinion on how I felt she looked. I told him I thought she was doing fairly well.

So tonight D came over and had dinner with S and I. It was a bit easier than the last time we had a family dinner. It's just so hard without H. But I got through it and we had a nice time. D leaves for Arizona in two weeks (for a 10 week physical therapy clinical). I will miss her so much.

Our financial papers are due Tuesday. Gosh I wish he would put the D on hold or better yet, cancel it. The kids still haven't heard from him on what his answer will be. They are leaving him alone in hopes that he will come to them with a positive answer. But I just don't think that will happen. But still, I pray. I am trying to look at the possibility that anything I do right now could be a test. To help him decide.

So that was yet another weekend. I just hate weekends.