here is what I posted elsewhere today about alcoholism...
my father would wake up on Sunday morning and realize the black eye my older brother (s) had were from him
he did not quit drinking
He'd learn I had run away again b/c he hit me
he did not stop drinking
he hit my mother,
he did not quit drinking
he got diabetes and was told by his doctor "if you keep drinking you will die within 2 years"
he did not quit drinking
he got sick and found out he had liver cancer (which was related to alcohol)
and was told he would not benefit from chemo b/c the non cancerous part of his liver had scarring from alcohol (cirrhosis)
and he was not a candidate for a transplant with his other problems including diabetes, which had been aggravated by his drinking, for years...
The doctor told him
if you drink at all, you will die within 24-36 hours
so then he quit drinking, and
He died 56 days later.
My father had several college degrees including a law degree, a Master's in Theology, and PhD.
He was not a wino in the gutter.
He was a lawyer & held a high position in the day.
He taught Sunday theology classes to adults...I loved him.
Among other things, I believe he drank to self medicate for depression.
But the reality is, for whatever reason,
He was an alcoholic and his drinking killed him.
I later learned that my grandfather, a federal judge, was also an alcoholic who drank at night too. His first wife had died in childbirth and that saddened him...
So, is there a genetic factor for alcohol (or depression? Does it matter?)
MY fil is a retired Marine Corp officer with some serious medals for valor & some serious intelligence and advanced degrees...
He's on his 4th wife b/c he drank the first 3 wives away.
He missed a promotion at in the Marine Corp b/c he drank too much.
My mil was an alcoholic who held two jobs for over 25 years.
she babysat our infant son once. When we went to get him we had to break the door down b/c she had passed out, smoking, near him. We removed him from her living room and she never woke up and did not call the next day to inquire or apologize.
My h was mortified. I somehow remained calm b/c I had grown up with the same insanity
and I said "can we agree she'll never babysit him again?" and he did. As far as I know, she never asked to...
Once she had some sort of break down, precipitated by trying to kill my h who was 19 at the time. She said "Satan was controlling him".
She only slowed her drinking b/c the medication she got for her mental condition was NOT to be mixed with alcohol, at all. She still drank of course, but less so. I think it made her feel sick.
A year or so later she got lung cancer
but the malnoursishment from her drinking,
made her die even faster than usual. NONE of these ^^^ people were able to maintain healthy marriages, or marriages at all, b/c of their drinking.
None of these people quit drinking (except my dad at the very end)
My father said once, "I don't drink to feel good, although that's how it began.
I drink so I won't feel sick".
They eventually "have to" drink
b/c they simply don't want the withdrawal
and don't minimize the severity of that withdrawal. IT's a bitch.
I know, I saw.
My dad did quit drinking for 7 months once (with medical supervision) and I recall two things. He attended AA and got so sad when he realized the extent of the damage he had caused.
But the other thing was he was so much calmer than before. And interested in what we were doing in our lives. God, how I wish he'd stayed sober...
He relapsed at my sister's wedding and it was not until his terminal illness that he was sober at length, again.
I loved my dad. I admired and miss his brilliance and articulation. But he was an alcoholic. How to reconcile the admirable things with the terrible things?
I refuse to let his disease define all of him. It's one important piece, but there was far more to my father than his drinking.
He had great strengths, and great weaknesses. He was a complicated man. He was a flawed human, like all of us.
Your kids don't have to define their father by his drinking
but they have to face it for what it is.
I DO think it's a disease but there's more to it than that.
It's not something that "happened" to him, like other diseases.
But by calling it a disease, the alcoholic is more likely to accept that they have no choice but not to drink
by calling it a disease they are much more likely to get that they really are "powerless over alcohol"
and the only choice they have is to choose NOT to drink
If you or the alcoholic say "No, not a disease. Just control it. It's all up to them"
the danger is they'll think a few months of sobriety proves they can handle it, and they'll drink again.
I've had this discussion >100 times.
My mother wanted it to be solely a character flaw of my father's.
So theres a balance to the approach.
Free will and choice are part of it, but so is the disease aspect. You can't say "just stop" and expect that to work. I wish.
I hope I'm being clear enough.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
