The show goes on

[Walking]

I guess the only thing that I wonder about is this: doesnt my H have to hit rock bottom before the fog lifts? How will that work if I am in contact with him and he continues to see OW? Wont he be having the best of both worlds? 25 I would love to hear your thoughts on this?

Hey Red

I guess the thing is, you will have the focus back on you. It won't matter to you what world your H is living in. You will be DETACHED.

What's to say you can't have the best of both worlds too ... live your life like he's not coming back, consider where you are at when he does.

Remember a couple of weeks ago, you didn't know if you wanted to be with him. That was when the energy switched between you and he could tell he was losing you. That's when he started to come around. That's the place you need to be.

Girl, this isn't going to happen overnight. Your H needs to work through some pretty serious stuff. Love him enough to give him the space to do that. Trust him and God that he'll learn what he needs to learn throughout this process ... and in the mean time - LIVE YOUR LIFE. IT'S THE ONLY ONE YOU'VE GOT.

You have 1 or 2 opportunities for spending time with him each week. So make the most of those few hours each week ... but don't live FOR that time. Fill up the rest of your life. Do things you love to do. Reconnect with the world around you. Put your relationship with this wandering, messed up husband of yours into perspective - while he's out there getting his head together - you've got time to rebuild yourself. This is not a dress rehersal. At the end of it all, do you think you'll be like, "thanks for that year I just hung around waiting for X to come home". Be the woman you want to be.

Of course you should be kind and loving to him in all your interactions ... but you'll have a whole lot of livin' going on in your life apart from him ... and that will make you a better woman and a much better option.

Keep at it girl. ((hugs))

[RedNailPolish]

WOW - great advice! thank you 25 and walking.

I took the high road this morning and emailed H:

Hi H,

I wanted to acknowledge what you wrote the other night. Im sorry too. I felt awful about what transpired hence the reason I left.

I wanted you to know that I had been having such a great time the last couple of weeks. The football, bowling and dinner were great.

Thanks again,

Red


H's reply:

Hi Red,

I have enjoyed the last couple of occasions that we have gone out as a family. I miss my family a whole lot but I am confused about my life and the direction it is heading. Hopefully with a new job and a change of scenery this will be cleared up.

Saturday afternoon was fun but I was really pissed off that you went through my cupboards. I still am. I wouldn't do that to you. I understand your upset but you had no right to go through my stuff. It is the only stuff I have. You have everything. I have had to start again.

Also I am annoyed that you would try to psychologically analyse me, OW and my situation. You are not a psychologist and do not know what a multi personality disorder is. In fact you don't know her so I don't know why you felt you had a licence to say what you did. That sort of behaviour used to cause problems between mum and me. My relationship is only better with her now because she has stopped.

You are looking great and the time apart has been good for both of us. I would like to continue doing stuff together if you are keen. If you are not I understand but I think it is important for our son and may in time help each of us.

BIL said rollerblades are really gay, so I don't know that I will be investing in a pair of those but you never know.


Love

H


My reply:

Hi H,

I agree I should not have said some of the stuff I did. It was wrong and I apologise.

I also apologise for going through your stuff. It was wrong to do so and I apologise and I will not be doing this again.

I do want to continue doing activities together I have really enjoyed kicking your butt

Thanks for letting me know I look great - its nice of you to notice.

As for BILs comment - hmmmmm......."takes one to know one" hahaha

[RedNailPolish]

BTW At first I was really upset by his email. But then realised it was quite positive. Why? Because he took the time to reply. He admitted his feelings. He set boundaries, ie dont discuss OW & dont snoop. And lastly (correct me if Im wrong) he hasnt ruled out reconciling.

As for GAL and creating some mystery. You are absolutely right! Im going to work on that straight away.

[RedNailPolish]

25, the reason he told me OW was great etc was my fault. I asked if he loved her. Stupid I know! He didnt say yes he said he had feelings for her because they have fun together, she is smart, etc. At least he didnt say he loved her. But it still hurt. But I also acknowledge I did it to myself.

Thank you for clarifying about hitting rock bottom. I have read so many posts and even ones from former MLCers where they say they needed to hit rock bottom otherwise they would have continued with their selfish ways.

We are a long way off reconciling but my MIL still believes that we will. I really hope that she is right.

[lifejustgothard2]

I think it would be a great support to start a thread on affairs.

[RedNailPolish]

Thanks Braveheart

Yeah I did screw up but Im making efforts to try to fix things. I think in a way it needed to happen. 1 step forward, 2 steps back.

[RedNailPolish]

I hope I dont sound too pathethic but today is day 3 of not "stalking" OW. By stalking I dont mean Im following her around or anything as bad as that. I had been googling her at least once a day. Stupid and pathetic I know! Im terribly ashamed to admit it. It gives me no pleasure or reassurance. Just makes me angry and hurt. Hence the reason I have stopped.

This morning she came into my thoughts as I was riding the train to work. I felt really down about myself. Like I couldnt compare. She is smarter, has talents, freedom and perhaps more fun than I am? As you can see I am feeling low today.

I have not heard from H since our last email exchange, where he did not reply to me. Im glad in a way. We are meant to be going out tonight as a "family". But I dont know that I have the "PMA" to withstand it.

I keep thinking that he is having such a great time with OW. He has his own place, hes getting his dream job, he has no responsibility other than to look after S3 one night a week.

I have so many wonderful people around me. They are all rallying around me and their support is endless. Yet I still feel sad and alone. I miss my H terribly. I miss his touch and affection. And I wonder does he still love me, does he ever miss me?

[RedNailPolish]

Oh heck! I managed to have too much PMA tonite that it got H excited! He was very flirty. Put his arms around me, kissed me on th neck, cheeks and kept hugging me from behind. Yes I'll admit that I flirted back and I'll also admit to wearing a rather short mini skirt. But I didn't expect his reaction. I was at most hoping he'd check me out.

So now he's just sent me a flirty text. I'm confused as to what to do. I know he is still with OW. But I still find him so attractive. And the fact that I haven't been intimate with anyone for a couple of months is driving me insane. Sorry probably too much info

25, what are your thoughts?

[RedNailPolish]

Just read up on my old thread, wanted to check the date that H and I ML. And the advice I received was not to allow this to happen. Basically it's cake eating. And if I allow it then H won't feel that he has to make a decision.

H has sent a few more texts. I have not replied and i will not. It might make him mad but then that's his problem.

Can anyone give me any advice on how to deal with a flirty H? Without bringing up OW that is.

[seeking answers]

RNP,

Did you give your H the boundary that there would be no physical R with you until ow was gone? If you did, then there is no reason to repeat it because he already knows.

It's not like if you keep refusing him he'll go out and find someone else, he already has. IMO the more time he focused on wanting you, the less time he's focused on ow.

Some may say it is game playing, but it is human nature to want what you can't have. It may just be your H trying to reassure himself that you're right where he left you. That you're plan B if his R with ow doesn't work out. It keeps him from having to face reality and make a decision.

Stick to your guns RNP. You've laid your boundary, if your H wants you, then no more ow.

Keep living your life, working on yourself and moving forward. Your H will either run to catch up or he won't. If he doesn't, then you have a firm foundation in which to build a R with someone who deserves your devotion, and you theirs.