Devastated

[Julz]

Slowly realizing this is all my fault. Yes I have rejected him for sex - saying I'm too tired or it's too late etc. He said he's counted and then lost count at 15 rejections (I don't think this is true - maybe five but nor fifteen). I have no idea how to fix this now.

[25yearsmlc]

okay here's the deal


you have a GREAT OPPORTUNITY AND I KNOW YOU CAN DO THIS...here's what you need to do...based on a miraculous chance I had and made the best of...

When my h was planning on leaving us in May

(to go to Alaska, the "Last Frontier", which= a pending divorce...)

he had a conference in Palm Springs in March, and h wanted us (me & d16 and d8) to join him.

I balked at first. Seemed weird, and that it would be tension filled

AND I feared if we "made nice", it would possibly make him think we were okay with what was happening. (In retrospect that's idiotic...but hey, that's what I thought)

Thankfully my DB coach intervened and somehow got thru to me...


For FOUR DAYS, I was Not to go negative. For FOUR DAYS (and for you, obviously it's 13 days)

I could temporarily NOT think about h's faults...I could overlook them, or ignore them

or even see the positives instead.


I convinced myself of this b/c I felt that for the girl's sake,
we could create some good memories.

I strongly believed, as you may, that it would be our last vacation as a family.

I wanted to give the girls some good memories, esp our youngest. She barely recalled going on trips as a family b/c she was only 8 and we'd been arguing for over a year about the Alaskan problem.


ANYHOW, I thought I MIGHT be able to be pleasant temporarily. I intended to do it for the girls but dang

after a day of forcing myself NOT To panic or get angry

I actually began to see h in a better light

for instance,

instead of thinking h was being nerdy or monopolizing conversations by talking

I saw his intelligence and how much the d's were learning from him...


I recalled that one of the reasons I had married him was his intelligence


And for the negatives, I put a STOP SIGN in my mind whenever I began to drift to negative thinking, anger or fear


I just shelved the fear and anger TEMPORARILY

I recall thinking I could[i] always be mad and tell him off later if I wanted to
[/i]

(I'm embarrassed to say that the thought of later dealing with it, comforted me to think that...)


So I managed to pull this off and you know, after a day or two, h really responded.

We got along a lot better and I found myself thinking,
"Thank God I'm giving h something to MISS!!"

and I was indeed. I could tell he began to wonder if his choice to leave soon was going to be so painless after all...

The girls had a blast and so did we...hey, it was just for a trip.

You can do this too.

IF HE SAYS ANYTHING ABOUT NOT WANTING TO GIVE YOU THE WRONG IDEA by you two getting along so well...

say, "I'm having a good time. Don't worry, I don't expect anything"...and mean it .

You want to give the twins something fun to remember

and at least THAT will be something you can achieve by NOT having all the tension and awkwardness. Right? Okay...


Aim for that first...and do your best to SHELVE THE PAIN...

(you can wallow in it later)


but you are also giving your h something to remember....

something to miss...= YOU at your best


So contrast the negative images and comments he made about what is wrong with you (like if you have a temper, become the frickin' Dalai Lama,

if he says you are sloppy, become the world's tidiest housecleaner, etc)

OR What is wrong with the M...if he says you have nothing in common,

make sure you find interest in whatever you know he likes...point out the art work or the music or whatever it is that he loves

and show how you enjoy it too...


your 180s are what?

The 180s need to relate to his negatives of you. You need to undermine those justifications he's using

with the new "real" you...


For 2 weeks, your h has no faults. For 2 weeks, all is well. You are at peace.

You are a FUN LOVING TRAVELLING MOM...for 2 weeks be the most nurturing mother you can be.

Nothing makes you "lose it"... You are uber calm mom... Get it?

The kids need this so they can reminisce fondly....

Most of the things that annoy us in daily life are really NOT big things. They are the "small stuff" we should not "sweat"...

so don't sweat the small stuff. And for 2 weeks, it's pretty much ALL Small stuff!

If your h brings up R talk, try to steer it away b/c you want to have fun "for the kids"...

If he insists and then revises the marriage TOO MUCH you can say,

"Wow, I don't recall it that way but I'm sorry you were hurt" and if he says

something negative but it rings true,

say "IF I had it to do over, I'd do a lot of things differently"....

both statements are not argumentative but concede that you are not perfect and most important

you must show him that marriage to you now, from this day forward,

would be different than before.

Arguing or reasoning in this matter does NOT work so don't do it.

it backfires b/c it forces him to cement his choices by defending them.
IOW,

You cannot TELL Him marriage would be better...you can only demonstrate it...

Say nothing about your changes...just do the above ^^^ and BE the woman you want to be.

Be a woman only a fool would leave.


we want him to ask himself what the heck he is doing leaving YOU...
when you are such a great catch!!

you can do this! It's just 2 weeks of your life and you're going to cool places abroad, anyhow...

If you want, feel free to respond to him physically IF he initiates and maybe

if it feels natural...and you're okay with it...you can initiate.??? Up to you.

Don't let anyone tell you what to do on this. As my DB coach said,
"it's very personal".

For my m, since I knew ml was my h's love language and it was something that bonded us, after some confusion, I chose to keep it in our R...and I"m glad.

I recall thinking, "no man ever came home to the great sex he NEVER had"...


So, just do and be your very best, for 2 weeks,

and leave the results up to God...

[grr]

ummmmm......exactly what she said............well done 25!

[Julz]

Thanks that's all that I am doing. Not going to innate anything intimate unless he does or he gives a signal that he wants. Bit hard seeing we are in separate beds anyway.

[Julz]

Dunno if I'm getting somewhere or he just said it out of habit but he called me Hon tonight - his pet name for me. Guess time will tell.

[Julz]

Mmm. It's 9.30pm at night. Freezing cold outside and dh has gone outside to access the wireless Internet at reception to check his email. I'm getting suspicious if he's that desperate to access his email.

[Julz]

Good day today. We went and did some indoor rock climbing. The family really enjoyed it. We came back to the motel to relax and he called me Hon again. Probably habit but it gives me hope. Yesterday I could tell he didn't want to be around us bar went out in the morning and came back after lunch and he took off bike riding for over an hour and then went down to the hot pool for another hour. We are staying at a timeshare resort and yesterday morning went to a sales pitch and played happy families. They tried to sell us stuff and kept saying how great it would be for the "family". I so wanted to tell them not to bother as he wants out. But I played along with him (it was his idea to go to it to get a $50 voucher to spend at the restaurant here). Then we had owner drinks last night. He was going to go down on his own whilst I looked after the kids. I ended up saying no I wanted to go too. So we all went down and spent over two hours drinking and chatting to other couples. I drank too much wine - which is out of character for me. I hope he's starting to realise life without me is going to be very lonely.

[Julz]

And again tonight he called me Hon! Dunno if this is progress or habit.

[Julz]

I've post a few more posts but they haven't shown. Things have been going well. Still getting on well. Neither I or him have mentioned our relationship at all. Still sleeping in separate rooms. He has called ms Hon three times but this is probably out of habit. Have ordered my DR book and can't wait to read it. Holidays are nearly over and it's going to be a tough road ahead. July to October is my busiest time for work but so I know time will fly. Hard to think that no matter what happens the next six months will be on my own (as he will need to sign a six month lease on a rental). Still no idea how to show him ghat my intimacy issues can be fixed. I just know I need to make more of an effort. Wish I had of known this three months ago! I could have fixed a lot of this then.

[Julz]

He's been heading out around the same time each night to access the free half hour free wireless here at resort reception. He also has told me he's not sleeping. Could be nothing or his brain has a million thoughts like just before he left - could be good or bad news.