The show goes on

[25yearsmlc]

Hi Dolphin, thanks for responding and im so happy that you are piercing your marriage back together.

I understand that I cannot worry about OW. She is not worth my time or effort. However, it does hurt when you hear your H tell you how much he cares for her and how wonderful and smart she is.


Geez, he's amazing...how about you
Tell him it's an inappropriate topic for discussion with YOU, and say it calmly but firmly.

It's a healthy boundary, and if you can't handle talking to him firmly without sounding like a beeyotch, then

ask him if maybe he doesn't think someone OTHER than his wife,

ought to be hearing about how great OW is...

I mean, is he doing it to hurt you? If not, he's really one clueless guy.

If there's any way you can laugh off his goofiness in this matter, do so. Sometimes humor is the way to make a point while diffusing tension.


But I guess thats why he is with her. It also hurt that she met my inlaws and has been hanging out with BIL and his fiance.

Don't assume that meeting went well at all

OR that your h got any good feedback about it. On the contrary, sounds as if meeting his family did not help OW at all... (gee, too bad... )


I just have to get over this I suppose.

OR see it more realistically, like I do!

I guess the only thing that I wonder about is this: doesnt my H have to hit rock bottom before the fog lifts?

No, and you need to Stop assuming there's an algorithm to this. There's no "have to hit rock bottom" at all, let alone first. There is no formula to this.

Frankly, it drives me nuts to see people reading books on MLC, thinking if they can label their spouses behavior or 'Condition," that it somehow increases the chances of a reconciliation.

I'm not aware of any empirical data that supports that.

Sometimes they wake up sooner, sometimes never, sometimes they hit rock bottom and find OW#2...and never come home. (Sorry!)



How will that work if I am in contact with him and he continues to see OW?
Wont he be having the best of both worlds?

You're in a weird sitch, frankly. Yes he may be cake eating, and at some point if this continues, he will be for sure. We can address that, then.

But since he is saying & doing (or was) more things indicating the desire to recon than to stay with OW,

and since his mom is on your side (do NOT antagonize that woman any more than you have. She's a real ally and you need to be grateful,and take the high road in this),

I'd say take the high road and give real DBIng a real chance.

In fact keep that in mind; you'll never regret taking the high road in this. It makes reconciliations, whenever they occur, far more likely.

And if you never reconcile, you're still a better woman than OW could ever be, and you'll be able to hold your head high.

There's a lot of value in that and what your son will learn from it. (And the regrets your h will no doubt have...)


I have 2 family members who divorced, only to remarry their former spouses years later. Yes, years...but the good news is that the 2nd time around was better.


25 I would love to hear your thoughts on this?

I think you are not doing enough "mystery" work.

You must GAL and that some of that must involve meeting new people.

A bit of a game? Why YES IT IS! So what?

I mean he's acting like a high schooler anyhow.

You want him to wonder..."Rednail is attractive...hey--she is ATTRACTING OM'S...what will happen if i keep di#)king around on her?"

As the saying goes, you want him to ask himself "why should I accept a sow's ear when I can have a silk purse?"
You get this by

Becoming a woman only a fool would leave.

If you can muster up some personal time where he watches s3 for you (or his mom does-but if she watches s3, don't play a game with HER...just state the activity and do it)

If someone else or h watches s3, be busy b/c you are taking a class or doing some GAL activity that you are happy but vague about

or meeting up with some "friends" (no need to volunteer they are female...If he asks, you can say "I THINK it's probably going to be MOSTLY female...")

and leave it at that. Be puzzled that he asks....basically you are

"busy going to exciting new places, meeting fascinating people and doing fun, interesting things"...in fact, put THAT on your voicemail


Be excited about your plans but muted around Him about it...a bit mysterious but not obvious.

Have your sister/friend call when you are with h and confirm the "event" and be a bit rushed to get off the phone. Tell her "H is here so I have to go...thanks for reminding me & see you there!"

Then be vaguely happy about the plans...

IF he presses you for details, then you tell him the truth (e.g., it's MOSTLY female THIS time...)

but be surprised that he would ask like this. After all, aren't you BOTH taking a time out?

Aren't YOU BOTH re-thinking your commitments???


Make sense?

You are trying to keep the road home, paved and smooth BUT you are also

implicitly showing him that he might lose you! AND

You have had an awakening...you now see that

life without H is acceptable too...fact is, you are excited about YOUR future NO Matter what HE is doing...

you want him to want to be part of YOUR FUN & loving and healthy World...you can mention the new words s3 says and the fun things you did, etc
and

your personal growth things. You are Not saying "look, I'm changing" but "btw, work is going well b/c that interesting project is complete", OR

I'm looking forward to x and y" and

that's just you being excited about YOUR COOL LIFE

and contrast THAT with whatever he's doing...which isn't nearly as interesting or important...(obviously)

IF he SAYS he wants to reconcile (but you know he is still with OW--)

you can say

"H, let me know when you are free to reconcile

and THEN we can talk."

That way you are NOT mentioning OW...yet you are making your boundary clear.

But you then change the topic b/c really

what's there to say if he's still with OW?


No need to point it out. It's obvious!

Good luck Red, seriously...what a wacky situation to be in.