Went to church this morning. It was the first time that I went in about 10 years. I've come to the conclusion that I can not do this alone. The constant struggle between showing compassion, to being angry. Wanting to show love to my w, but realizing that I also need to love myself and that I can't necessarily balance it right now. It has me exhausted.
The sermon was on humility and pride. How pride plays into our almost every aspect of our life from anger to perfectionism, to being consumed by others, controlling, blame shifting, etc. Pride undermines unity.
So are all of these feelings for my w have pride in them? I think so. If I want to be humble and constantly work towards that, than I must let these things go. Give up what I think my rights and entitlements are, express gratitude, and learn to identify God's grace in others.
Makes sense. It's so hard to do with w. So hard to do with someone who hurts you. But I am going to keep trying. God shows her grace, People show her grace, I should too.. just how do I do that without losing myself is the question.
On a side note, she did initiate a call on her own for the first time in 7 wks. I didn't answer caz I was GALing. Her message was kinda cold. She received a letter from our insurance company saying that I didn't take care of the accident. She wanted me to email her to tell her that I indeed did take care of it. Didn't ask how I was, didn't say it very nicely. I wish I could say that I deserved it because in our relationship I didn't take care of things.. but the truth is that I always did and it was her that didn't.
Oh well. Whatever the reason, I just texted her back.
me: State farm is taken care of. BTW - Can't meet next wk. w: How about the week after that. I'm free all week. me: I don't know
She didn't respond. I answered truthfully. If that upsets her. Nothing I can do except keep working on me. It needs to be on my time now.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
