H's Sudden Awakening-???

[lifejustgothard2]

I am right there with you. It seems so unfair when we have put up with so much worked on ourselves and then they decide to divorce US!! So tired to it too.

[braveheart]

Tipper, your H is looking for a way to push your buttons. Pay no attention to it, stick to your guns.

[WCW]

tipper, you're doing good on breaking the pattern but it does take a long time. Your H sends you stuped txts, you're not responding, so then he escalates the content of his stupid texts to egg you into a response. It'w worked time after time, and he is expecting it will still work. Don't get pulled back in.

You've got goals, keep your eyes on the horizon.

[Andabelle]

He's still making out that it's all your fault-- he had to file because you won't talk to him. I think maybe it's time you got a little angry. Not so you go off on him, but just enough to help you stay dark for a while and detach. It is not healthy to hang on to anger very long, but in the short term you can use it to protect yourself.

[Tipper]

Thank You all.

Man do I wish I had internet access at my house. I cant get online very often and really wished I had seen all your advice before yesterday. Then Maybe I wouldnt have been manipulated into responding to my H. Oh well cant turn back time. But Now I know I will not make the same mistake next time.

I totally messed up and fell for his egging me on because he text me on Monday and said: "If I were to get sober would you still be avoiding me?"
I stupidly text back to him:"No, that is my deepest desire to see you get sober. I have a letter I will drop off to your house tonight if you'll accept it". He said: "Of course I will accept it,thanks - I think."

So later that night I dropped my letter off to him. The letter was something I wrote becuase I needed to somehow let him know my thoughts and feelings on this D thing since I am avoiding any contact with him ever since he left two months ago.

The letter was heart felt, short and to the point, and all "I statements", it said I will not fight him on a D if that is what he wants. It said I would rather work on our M and have allready started to do the hard work on myself by going to alanon and ridding myself slowly of my character defects. I said, I will love him forever and I understand that we just want different things in life right now. I said That due to all the things I have been through, Healing is my #1 priority, I can only fix & change myself, ETC...

Well when he got home from the bar and got the letter, he text me: "Its very evident that everytime I walk out the door, you only focus on you. I not sure you understand the amount of pain that I have been in". I said: "every marriage book I have read, counselor I've had, & alanon member all tell me not to pursue you when you leave me and to accept the fact that you do not want to be with me. I am taking the advise from many wise sources. I am sorry for the pain your choices have caused you, but I am in a lot of pain also".

He said: "Dont you recall you asking me to leave many times?" I said: "I recall me getting angry with you many times about the amount of time you spend at the bars everynight. I recall you threatening to leave me every time I brought it up. I recall our last night together I got mad about your drinking again, and you said You were leaving.I said fine, let me help ya. Then the next day, I told you you didnt have to leave and you chose to anyhow".

He said: "Its always my fault. I wanted to get sober with you but you thought it was a joke. Your depression led me to the bars everynight".I said: I sat at home sober for several weeks while you went to the bars everynight. Your alcoholism and lack of even trying to get sober made me depressed.So you must ask yourself now what is still driving you to the bars everynight, since you no longer have me around to put the blame on? Look within. No more texts tonight please."

Wow, thats the most we had talked in a long while and I see now that he is still angry, full of blame and self pity. He has no real sense of reality right now. I need to detatch much more again and not respond to his texts as I was. I guess I did it out of fear and I need to stop that fearing of a D. I need to accept the things I cannot change much more. I will work on it!!
TIPPER

[Tipper]

Hey all,
My H is coming around again. Or so I think.

He text me twice last night to basically say that he misses me so much and loves me and would do anything to work on our M, and asked me if there is anything he can do to make it work out.

I basically responded with a text and said I would love to but I feel he needs to get sober and try A.A. and read the "big book" on alcoholism.

He said He would try to figure something out.

My question to you all is: I feel like he is actually serious this time. He Keeps texting me since then about how serious he is and how he will get what it takes to make this work. He wants me to come over (but I am not really ready, I dont think). So where do I go from here.

I want to believe him. But I am afraid to push him away more if I request that I want him to go to a.a. meetings. I know in alanon they tell me that if an alcohlic wants to get sober, they should be given the chance to try to do so in any way they see fit for themselves. My H says he is not the sharing type or the kind of person that would seek help from an outside group. I know this about him too. But I feel it the only good option for alcoholics that really want to stay sober. Cold turkey is too hard for them, and that is currently what I think he thinks he is capable of.

He has suggested M counseling and I said that I agree that would be a good idea.
Any suggestions???????????
TIPPER

[WCW]

Get off the teeter totter with your H. Let him prove with actions that he wants to be sober. Keep your communication at a minimum, don't get pulled back in.

I don't see anything different in the cycle than any other time you've posted about him wanting to be sober and wants you back, and then your next post will be that he is filing papers again. Break the cycle.

[Tipper]

Thanks WCW,
I have thought about it tonight and decided that if I talk to him at all tonight I will call or text him and let him know that I need to see actions before we just jump right back into a relationship.

I feel I need to set some ground rules up. Such as lets take a week or so to see how sobriety is going for him. Then maybe we can get together briefly to talk about things. If that goes well, then maybe we could set up M counseling.

I am just so afraid that he will slip again. Cold turkey is just not practical for most alcoholics. Last time it only lasted him a day.

This time only feels different to me becuase he is not just saying that he wants to do what he can to get sober, but also that he would do anything to get back our relationship. Last time , he said he knew he had to get sober, but he was saying he felt that our M was still over. This time, he is showing me the desire in words at least that he wants to work on our M.

I am so scared to push him away with demands though. However, I know that I need to see actual actions to believe him. I miss him so much it is hard to resist wanting to just get together with him soon, but I know I have to be patient and watch from afar. I like your suggestion to keep communication brief. I will try to do just that.

I will try to update through out this week any progress, if I see any.
Thanks,
TIPPER

[25yearsmlc]

Oh geez Tipper

not again...

see what WCW said and just Do something really different.

For once I'd like you to actually follow through with real changes in YOUR behavior


expect something from him other than words...

good grief

the other day he blamed YOU for his drinking

2 days later he's "really different"?


Really?

Have you really read "Co Dependent No More"?

Do you think you are helping HIM by

repeating the same insane behavior over & over?

As if HE can go cold turkey...um the reason he won't go to AA is b/c he'll have to be accountable to someone

and he does NOT want that...I have known ONE man who got sober without AA (and 44 who had to use AA)

But

He did not have an enabling wife. HIS Wife said

"Get sober or get divorced," and she left him...he hated AA b/c he's atheist,

but he did get sober...

If your h could do it on his own, he'd have done it by now.

IF your same behavior was helpful, he'd have gotten sober by now.

Just read my older posts to you and see if they make sense to you today...

[25yearsmlc]

don't monitor results after a WEEK!!

seriously?


try 90 days at least...