My W is upstairs, lying in bed on a Sunday afternoon because she’s depressed and because I think she is repulsed by my presence; her words. I don’t know what to do.
I went upstairs because I thought she was cleaning up, but instead she was in bed. The house is a mess; dog feces and urine on the floor; her clothes are everywhere. I tried to control her in the past, when she was at home and I was working, by expecting her to clean-up after herself, so I’m sure that any mention of cleaning shuts her down. I should have been gentle when I went upstairs, but I wasn’t and now the situation is worse.
I thought moving into the apartment was a temporary measure, buying us time to work things out; I was wrong. W said that she doesn’t see moving out as having any positive effect and that as soon as I go, people will begin to talk. I said “don’t tell anyone”, but W’s not up to playing charades. I can’t blame her because that would become very tiring, very quickly.
Our S will suffer greatly if I move out, which is something I’m desperate to avoid. He’s worked extremely hard and will graduate from University in another year, free of debt. I don’t want to throw him off because I can’t get my act together.
I’m sure my W will chime in, so please read her posts to get her side of the story.
My W is upstairs, lying in bed on a Sunday afternoon because she’s depressed and because I think she is repulsed by my presence; her words. I don’t know what to do.
Her words : "You think I am repulsed by your presence" or "I am repulsed by your presence" ?
So - what is moving into an apartment going to solve?
What is the problem that actually needs solving?
It seems like there are Three obvious categories - 1.5 of which you can control. Your behavior and the thinking that continues it, the relationship you have with your W, and your W behavior and the thinking that continues it.
Its obvious to me that both you and your W are sincerely making an effort to improve things for the better, and I can't help but appreciate how meaningful that is, in and of itself. It also seems clear to me that you are actually moving along with starting to recognize your behavior and the thoughts that continue it. Thoughts are habits and it takes time to break them. It sounds to me like you are moving in the right direction but it sounds like you are getting stuck on a couple things.
You _should_ have been gentle - maybe, but you didn't. You _could_ have been gentle, right? That was an option you had but why didn't you think about it before you went upstairs and choose to do things differently? What motivated you to engage in a way that you did? It doesn't sound like you approve of your own actions so you are recognizing that something needs to change. I think thats one of the earliest 'R's of cognitive therapy - recognize, refute, remove, reframe, replace?
The 0.5 is your role in the relationship you have with your W. That can only really be improved as you work on the bigger picture - who you are, how you act, and how you feel about yourself. It is hard to be truly intimate with someone else when we hide ourselves behind anger and control or whatever other things we do to try to keep ourselves from getting too destabilized. From what you type, I get the sense that you genuinely are trying to do better at this but are struggling to find a path that works for you. Forgive me for any faulty assumptions, but it sounds like you want your W to be happy and to have a good relationship with her, you want things to improve, and you would like your relationship to be both more stable, deeper, and even more meaningful. Can any of that happen as long as you are operating in the state-of-thought that you are in?
Rather than think about your W, think about yourself - what are you preventing yourself from experiencing by holding to this mindset that leads you to act in ways you regret? Aren't you violating your own sense of integrity every time you do that?
I get the impression that you do have options for counseling available to you - I can't encourage this strongly enough - not because you 'have a problem' but because you 'want to improve your life from where it is now.' You and the people you love the most will all benefit from you being the best HerbGarden that you can be. It sounds cliche, but I believe its absolutely true.
People may talk - that is life! Ultimately you and your W deserve to do whatever it takes for you to both have satisfying and fulfilling lives as individuals and in your relationship. If that might solve things, then its one possible solution. One of the biggest takeaways I got from DB is that there are limitless possible solutions to a problem and we often only fixate on one or two and then give up if they don't work. You guys deserve to choose solutions that will really help your situation.
Talk - I apologize, as it feels like your thread is being hijacked. I can only imagine that you are having your own experience here and there are dynamics that really aren't as apparent to HerbGarden as they are to you. I hope your feeling of depression has passed and that you can share your perspective on all of this.
M: 32 W: 29 T: 9 Years M: 4 Years I hit rock bottom: 2/11 PA admitted: 4/11 WAW: 5/11 D filed: 6/11 now: Patience, wisdom, and growth - hopefully.
The words "repulsed" only came out of H's mouth. He is referencing a conversation from weeks ago, and taken out of context.
He baited me all day about moving out. He wanted me to tell him to leave. He wants to be able to tell people that I kicked him out. I finally did, I screamed it in fact.
I was the talk of the town when we gave our girl up for adoption. I had to learn how to deal with people talking. I can live with that. He was misquoting what I said in my earlier post about not falling apart in front of customers. And I am still worried about that.
But I had a bath and tears didn't come. I feel in shock, but also strangely calm. I feel that now I will find out what the real issue was. Now, if there is anything going on, everyone will be running to tell me. I am going to have to brace myself for that too, because I feel that that is next.
In 26 years of seeing dozens of military families fall apart, I have yet to see a man leave the marriage with nothing going on on his part.
don't they already talk about the yelling and the behaviors anyhow?
and since you have no control over it...who cares? It's easy for me to say but I do believe in the Serenity prayer and letting go of that over which
I have no control.
Besides, when you come out of this on the other side,
and they see you as a healthier happier woman,
let them talk then.
As for your son, surely he has seen the downside of the M himself.
Please don't assume he has all positive images of your M, and no negatives,
and that all his new views will be negative and none positive.
It's not that clear cut.
It's interesting which words were recalled by your h and how.
We all have our own camera lens with which we see our R's...
Hang in there. You will survive this.
And though many military families do collapse under the weight of the moves and the stresses
of long deployments and the fears that go with it
many survive intact and are close.
Maybe it's because we have only ourselves to hang with in each new environment.
It happens.
Have you ever thought of trying to find your daughter?
Not saying you have to crash her gates and jump into her life,
but to simply know she is fine...?
Might be therapeutic.
We're all rooting for you
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
are you saying that you think he has OW and that's why he wanted you to kick him out?
Really? Why do you think that?
I understand the "Statistic" about most men only letting go of their wives when they have another woman in mind
but it's not all of them...and if that's the only "reason" you have, it's hardly "evidence".
Plus he does have issues he wants to work on that have nothing to do with OW
don't you think?
Is there any evidence of ow?
If not, you are inflicting damage and pain onto yourself and
that's SOOO not a good idea.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Please forgive me. In hindsight, I provided too much information in the previous post which has embarrassed Talk (W). She’s not to blame for my actions.
A short time ago, I went upstairs to speak with my W, who was in bed. She was lying down, void of energy because she's been dealing with me, not because she's lazy.
My response to her should have been "I'm sorry for draining your spirit, please forgive me. You stay in bed, relax, have a bath, whatever you want to do. I'm going to the store so I can fix a nice, home cooked meal".
I didn’t say that. I chose the “weak” path. I said things that made me feel good for a minute. After pestering my W for the morning, she finally told me to leave…..so I did. I got in my car, bought a coffee and then drove by the house where my vacant apartment is…I couldn’t stop. I was ashamed and embarrassed.
I’ve hurt my W, again. I’ve misquoted her on a very public forum, which was the one place she felt safe. My W is trying to run a business and doesn’t need the hassle of dealing with good-intentioned customers offering their advice.
W – I am so sorry for being a DICK. There’s no OW. I’m not having an affair of any sort, nor do I intend to in the future. I want us to work…..desperately, but I’m failing because I have no plan to move forward.
Here’s my plan; stay engaged in DB, stay in counseling, read, and research, be patient and respectful; finally, communicate with respect and love.
don't they already talk about the yelling and the behaviors anyhow?
and since you have no control over it...who cares? It's easy for me to say but I do believe in the Serenity prayer and letting go of that over which
I have no control.
Besides, when you come out of this on the other side,
and they see you as a healthier happier woman,
let them talk then.
As for your son, surely he has seen the downside of the M himself.
Please don't assume he has all positive images of your M, and no negatives,
and that all his new views will be negative and none positive.
It's not that clear cut.
It's interesting which words were recalled by your h and how.
We all have our own camera lens with which we see our R's...
Hang in there. You will survive this.
And though many military families do collapse under the weight of the moves and the stresses
of long deployments and the fears that go with it
many survive intact and are close.
Maybe it's because we have only ourselves to hang with in each new environment.
It happens.
Have you ever thought of trying to find your daughter?
Not saying you have to crash her gates and jump into her life,
but to simply know she is fine...?
Might be therapeutic.
We're all rooting for you
Thanks 25, I appreciate your response.
I was originally trying to say that I wasn't worried about people talking. I dealt with that a long time ago and have never looked back. I was the whistle-blower at my last job, and I had to deal with it then as well, but it wasn't as difficult as I expected as I had learned not to worry about it when I gave up our daughter.
I was worried about retaining my composure in my shop when people talked to ME. The shop is a happy place, and generally a place where people come to ME for advice, and I was worried about losing my composure, crying, and not being able to stop. It's important to me that people enjoy their experience in the shop, not have to comfort me. I think I can handle it. I surprised myself today when H left, and I got in the tub to let the tears rip, and they didn't come. That doesn't mean they won't come later! But I'm in more control over myself than I thought I was...
No, I haven't thought about looking for our daughter. I won't until I am either alone, and recovered from this r, or in a good place with H. I can't deal with both at the same time. Making that decision is going to open a lot of repressed pain and guilt. H or our son can both register at any time. They don't need me to initiate it. Our son would like to meet her, and I have a feeling that the connection might start there one day.
I have a very strange story about multiple bizarre coincidences regarding the entire adoption process. That is for another day, but I have never worried about her since. If you knew the story, you would agree, she was never meant to be for us. She was meant to be with her adoptive parents.
are you saying that you think he has OW and that's why he wanted you to kick him out?
Really? Why do you think that?
I understand the "Statistic" about most men only letting go of their wives when they have another woman in mind
but it's not all of them...and if that's the only "reason" you have, it's hardly "evidence".
Plus he does have issues he wants to work on that have nothing to do with OW
don't you think?
Is there any evidence of ow?
If not, you are inflicting damage and pain onto yourself and
that's SOOO not a good idea.
No, I'm not saying it is happening. I am saying that it is the only thing that makes sense to me wrt our history, H's inability to admit to the same in the past, his constant threats of divorce, his resentment, and his latest preoccupation with moving to the apt - and I'm prepared for it.
It is what happened the last time - people were calling me long distance to tell me what they knew - but didn't tell me before I found out on my own.
I am just trying to prepare myself for anything I guess. I am strong, but I think that anything that surprises me now might just make me crumble. I don't have that luxury right now. I am doing ok though. Feels kind of like an out of body experience.
Please forgive me. In hindsight, I provided too much information in the previous post which has embarrassed Talk (W). She’s not to blame for my actions.
A short time ago, I went upstairs to speak with my W, who was in bed. She was lying down, void of energy because she's been dealing with me, not because she's lazy.
My response to her should have been "I'm sorry for draining your spirit, please forgive me. You stay in bed, relax, have a bath, whatever you want to do. I'm going to the store so I can fix a nice, home cooked meal".
I didn’t say that. I chose the “weak” path. I said things that made me feel good for a minute. After pestering my W for the morning, she finally told me to leave…..so I did. I got in my car, bought a coffee and then drove by the house where my vacant apartment is…I couldn’t stop. I was ashamed and embarrassed.
I’ve hurt my W, again. I’ve misquoted her on a very public forum, which was the one place she felt safe. My W is trying to run a business and doesn’t need the hassle of dealing with good-intentioned customers offering their advice.
W – I am so sorry for being a DICK. There’s no OW. I’m not having an affair of any sort, nor do I intend to in the future. I want us to work…..desperately, but I’m failing because I have no plan to move forward.
Here’s my plan; stay engaged in DB, stay in counseling, read, and research, be patient and respectful; finally, communicate with respect and love.
HG
You didn't embarrass me. I just started posting my own thoughts. I'm not going to let your words stop me from taking part in a forum that is allowing me to figure my life out.
Yes, it would have been nice if you had recognized that your W was falling apart for a day, and did something other than beg for an out. But it made me discover something about myself - that I didn't die, and I didn't fall apart.
