Hoping not to be a WAW

[aeolianchaos]

My W is upstairs, lying in bed on a Sunday afternoon because she’s depressed and because I think she is repulsed by my presence; her words. I don’t know what to do.

Her words : "You think I am repulsed by your presence" or "I am repulsed by your presence" ?

So - what is moving into an apartment going to solve?

What is the problem that actually needs solving?

It seems like there are Three obvious categories - 1.5 of which you can control. Your behavior and the thinking that continues it, the relationship you have with your W, and your W behavior and the thinking that continues it.

Its obvious to me that both you and your W are sincerely making an effort to improve things for the better, and I can't help but appreciate how meaningful that is, in and of itself. It also seems clear to me that you are actually moving along with starting to recognize your behavior and the thoughts that continue it. Thoughts are habits and it takes time to break them. It sounds to me like you are moving in the right direction but it sounds like you are getting stuck on a couple things.

You _should_ have been gentle - maybe, but you didn't. You _could_ have been gentle, right? That was an option you had but why didn't you think about it before you went upstairs and choose to do things differently? What motivated you to engage in a way that you did? It doesn't sound like you approve of your own actions so you are recognizing that something needs to change. I think thats one of the earliest 'R's of cognitive therapy - recognize, refute, remove, reframe, replace?

The 0.5 is your role in the relationship you have with your W. That can only really be improved as you work on the bigger picture - who you are, how you act, and how you feel about yourself. It is hard to be truly intimate with someone else when we hide ourselves behind anger and control or whatever other things we do to try to keep ourselves from getting too destabilized. From what you type, I get the sense that you genuinely are trying to do better at this but are struggling to find a path that works for you. Forgive me for any faulty assumptions, but it sounds like you want your W to be happy and to have a good relationship with her, you want things to improve, and you would like your relationship to be both more stable, deeper, and even more meaningful. Can any of that happen as long as you are operating in the state-of-thought that you are in?

Rather than think about your W, think about yourself - what are you preventing yourself from experiencing by holding to this mindset that leads you to act in ways you regret? Aren't you violating your own sense of integrity every time you do that?

I get the impression that you do have options for counseling available to you - I can't encourage this strongly enough - not because you 'have a problem' but because you 'want to improve your life from where it is now.' You and the people you love the most will all benefit from you being the best HerbGarden that you can be. It sounds cliche, but I believe its absolutely true.

People may talk - that is life! Ultimately you and your W deserve to do whatever it takes for you to both have satisfying and fulfilling lives as individuals and in your relationship. If that might solve things, then its one possible solution. One of the biggest takeaways I got from DB is that there are limitless possible solutions to a problem and we often only fixate on one or two and then give up if they don't work. You guys deserve to choose solutions that will really help your situation.

Talk - I apologize, as it feels like your thread is being hijacked. I can only imagine that you are having your own experience here and there are dynamics that really aren't as apparent to HerbGarden as they are to you. I hope your feeling of depression has passed and that you can share your perspective on all of this.