Words get in the way

[angel61]

Thanks 25, I am looking forward to that.

Your advice is so valuable, it helps me not only to understand my situation but also, more importantly, in recovering when I backslide. I know I seem like Eeyore sometimes, which is funny because I have always been the optimist, the sunny person in my family. My daughter tells me that it is precisely because of that kind of attitude that I don't know how to deal with a prolonged down period.

I am continuing with the update:

H's nephew with brain CA finally passed away, so H had to go home to his home country to attend the funeral, as all his siblings are going to, and this is the first death in his family. Happened when I was on my way back, and so that topic also provided us with a lot of conversation. One of the effects on H of all this is that sometimes, he seems to have lost touch with his empathetic side. He says and does the necessary thing, but I feel that it is because he knows what is expected of him.

I had some intimate convos with his sister, who asked me if H was angry at his parents because he is not really connecting or helping them out financially. I think he just does not realize that they need help, so I told her that they should meet as a fmaily and let H know of his obligations. They know I am generous too, and have always helped out myself whenever I could, but of course I do not want to impose on H.

She also reminded me to tell H to bring some gifts for friends who have been so generous in organizing hunting trips for H, and parties as well. I approached it this way: I asked H what he was going to bring to his friends, and when he seemed unsure, I volunteered to get gifts for him. I praised his friends for being so supportive and said that we should return the favor, and he agreed.

Somehow, H has always been one of those people who other people tend to take care of, and love, and his achievements always seem to stand out. The thing is he also has always been such a nice person before, also helpful in his own way. I remember how his family all said that of all the girls he ever dated, they all knew that he would marry me because I was the only one who he served more than I served him. He is one of those people who givers gravitate to, and mostly its because he is also such an appreciative person, but sometimes did take others for granted, and this has gotten worse with his MLC.

With this "acts of service LL" in mind, when I got back I redouble my efforts to do acts of service, going beyond my usual chores (I clean, do laundry and dishes, H cooks, does the groceries, takes care of dog, brings and picks up D from school)
by doing small, loving gestures (like you, 25 said about the medicines).

In the few days before he left, our R improved a lot with all this, and before he left, we even ML, and I felt that he was more emotionally connected this time. Now that he is away, I have made a conscious effort not to call him, and since I also went on a trip with D, I would just inform him by text that we landed safely, etc. I noticed that he texted me also quite a lot and has been even asking me to call. Our convos are nice, where he was sounding eager to talk to me, and share his experiences, not just like the "hi, just checking if you and D are OK" type.

As of now, I feel content to let it just go this way for a while, no pressure. Its time for some emotional rest.