Possibly because my life has been swarming with addicted personalities, I spot it so easily...
I find it hard to believe that the idea of addiction is foreign to you. At least not entirely foreign.
Staying here is up to you, but Seeking is right, the work, the answers, are basically the same.
Originally Posted By: lifejustgothard2
So you are saying given his drinking and the downward spiral he was on this should have been somewhat predictable. If I had known to what extent he was drinking. Just so I understand.
Definately with a pattern of continued and progressive drinking, a downward spiral should have been predictable and pretty easy to spot. Even if you weren't aware of the extent of the drinking.
When my MIL started again, I was not aware that she was drinking all of the liquor in my liquor cabinet (she is a beer drinker), until after she moved out...
However I was very aware by her behavior, her hiding in her room, her mood swings, etc...that she was drinking MORE than she had been...
Originally Posted By: Life
When will he get over or come to grips with the shame? His kids need to see him. Even if just for an afternoon.
No one can answer this.
It is something that he has to want...
And I believe you are projecting your feelings onto him right now.
I don't know that there is shame, or at least that sort of rational thought, with an alcoholic.
If there were, I don't think my Step-Grandfather would have drunk himself into his grave. I don't believe my father and his wife would still be drinking everynight like they do. I don't believe that my step-father would have turned down being put on the recipient list for a liver transplant that he so desperately needs because "I do not want to stop drinking so give someone who can use it a healthy liver."
They don't really seem to have shame to me, however, I was ashamed of them for a very long time.
I was embarrassed by their behavior. I wouldn't bring people around or I would warn them ahead of time and apologize profusly afterward.
Now, I handle them differently. When they drink, I remove myself from the situation. When they are invited to functions, I tell them, if you can't NOT drink for a few hours, don't come. They know my boundaries and that I will enforce them. I no longer apologize for their behavior. I also no longer accept it into my life. I still love them though.
You can continue to live in the victim role with this, refusing to work on healing yourself and becoming stronger, not accepting that this is HIS problem and you will continue to feel as you do and you will do more damage to your children than what is being done already.
Or...
You can choose to accept that this is HIS path to walk...
And you can begin to walk your own path...
Accept that you MUST be the strong one, for you and your children, that you are the one who is going to show them how to heal from this and that you are there for them even if he is not...
Your H is NOT going to swoop in and make things all better right now...
He isn't even capable of it...
Alanon is a great and wonderful support group for wives and children of people with drinking problems...
There are chapters in almost every community...you should look into it...
The unknown is scary, but once you take the first step toward your healing, each one gets easier and easier...
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
