It means so much to me that you have taken time out of your day to write to me, me a complete stranger, on the other side of the world.
Your analysis and advise are so honest. It hurts to read them at times. But that's because it rings true.
Why did I stop what I was doing? Because I was mad. Because I was hurt. Because I was impatient. All things that do not bring me closer to what I want - my family back together.
Yes I was getting stronger. I could feel it, I could see it. So what happened? H and I had contact and well.....I started to concentrate on him. Him and OW. I took my focus off me. And worst of all I had expectations. Man the truth hurts.
Yes I have brought up OW waaaaayyyy to much. I am obssessed. I Google her everyday. I don't find anything new. I just look at her picture and get mad. And of course I hate myself afterwards. And I tell myself to stop but I keep doing it because I am hurt and really I am just hurting myself more. I feel completely embarrased and ashamed to tell you all that I do this. And yes I want to stop, and I will because it is so painfull. My self esteem has been bruised.
Is OW a deal breaker? No. I have forgiven, that won't change. I have love in my heart for my H. I realise it is me that needs to stop bringing her up. I won't from now onwards. I'm sure I'll know if they have broken it off.
Yes I effed up last night. I see two major faults: 1. Pushing R talk and not shutting up. And not listening to H that he no longer wished to talk about it.
2. Threatening H with no friendship. This is not what I want at all. I only did it to get a reaction.
I realise that I need to work on these for future talks with H.
You hit the nail on the head, I did sabotage in anger and impatience. It was stupid on my part but I don't think it's irreparable. My M wasn't perfect but I believe that it was great and could be greater. I think i said some stuff back then in anger. M can be great but it takes will work from both of us.
MIL rang tonite. She wanted to know how I was going. She told me shed spoken to H and he told her what happened. I told her my version. Her advice 25 is the same as yours. Keep the road home paved and smooth. Do not do LRT. H had been telling her that he was enjoying the last couple of weeks but now I did not want to be his friend. She again advised to keep doing the activities. Show him I can be fun. Do not talk about R or OW ever! She told me she met OW by accident. They were down the local mall and H and OW were there. At first he tried to avoid them but then they came over and said hi. H didn't introduce OW she did it herself. MIL said it was ackward and she said she did not think that OW was Hs type - said she looked slutty and older. She told H as much afterwards. H told her that he really enjoys being with her and is attracted to her. MIL said don't confuse being attracted to someone with enjoying the things you do with them. Most often you are attracted to qualities you yourself want. Apparently she is sporty. She pointed out that the activities they do together could be done with me, eg play squash. MIL still believes that H is not in love with OW and will break it off with her soon. But she did warn that it would take a while as she would cling. And that I could not help with any of this as it is something H has to do on his own. MIL invited me to BILs engagement party and even booked accomm for me. She said it would be great if I came.
She did say that she doesn't want me to try and rush things. She would even like H to be single and not rush straight into my arms after OW to figure things out. I said I agreed that he needed time by himself to sort out what was in his head and heart. She said he needs this time to figure out if this is trully what he wants as she does not want him to do this again. As it was hurting me and S3. I agreed.
So here's what I plan to do (as hard as it might be) - continue to see H - enjoy the moments but DETACH - focus on me and S3 - have patience - not obsess about OW. No more googling
Some of you may not agree with what I'm going to do but I do agree with 25 and MIL. Things have been improving. I sabotaged by being angry, impatient and focussing on OW. It's going to take alot of hard work but Im prepared to do that. I pray to GOD that i am doing the right thing.
W - 31 H - 33 Married - 7 years Together - 10 yrs Kids - S 3yrs old Separated - 27/03/11 OW - 10/04/11
