WAW, Filing as Fast as Possible

[aeolianchaos]

Interesting day -

Spent most of it working on a project, but did get out and go to a coffee shop. I find that just being around people does something for me, even though I tend to be an introvert. I guess that's something I'm working on is being an introvert, without being introverted. A friendly person with a rich inner universe. That make sense?

A stranger actually commented that I looked very happy - that I was radiating positivity. I replied with 'sorry I guess its false advertising'.. not sure why I do that - killed any possible interaction and I felt a little bad about it afterwards. It was a really nice thing for someone to say and I guess I feel like being happy feels wrong under the circumstances. But, I wasn't focused on W or M, I was doing some thought-exercises involving feeling better about my sense of loneliness and wanting to feel more connected. Guess it was working!

I still feel a little weird about last night's conversation. It does feel a little like I'm walking on eggshells with myself and how I communicate w/ her. I am trying to work on being appropriately assertive but at the same time I want to choose actions and responses that would increase the odds of W re-considering her decision. I don't know if telling her "We are not going to be friends after this, especially as you have never apologized for what you have done." was good or bad in that regard. It sets a clear boundary and lets her know that she won't have all my best aspects w/ none of the commitment. But I feel like its a harsh thing to say.

On one hand, I would not be friends with someone like that - it doesn't make sense. But, I wouldn't be too friendly with someone who treated her the way that I did. I guess that is one of those pathological dynamics of marriage - we often see an ugly side of someone that most other people never see.

On the other hand, she tends to be the kind of person that will run away from a situation where she doesn't believe she can be forgiven, or that the other person wont forgive her. I don't know if she knows how to ask for forgiveness. I don't know that I've ever seen her do it. This leads me to the question of - should I acknowledge that she said "I'm truly sorry for how much I screwed things up" last night? Its kind of an apology, albeit a general one said after prompting from me. But, its better than her usual "I'm sorry" (with the implicit 'stop being upset with me NOW!' tone).

My feeling is that I could e-mail her and acknowledge that she did say that and I appreciate that she would apologize. However, I don't know what she is referring to: never speaking directly about what was bothering her before she went off and had an A? Having the A? Lying to me about it? Resenting me for keeping her from being w/ OM? Not being more insistent about me seeing an IC? Sleeping with OM while I was away getting therapy (this one still stings - less, but stings)? Lying to me about wanting things to work? Being willing to go to MC but never really being committed to making things work? Saying hurtful things about me to our families? Being in my sister's wedding photos now that its out that she was having an A by then? I mean, what specific thing is it she is sorry for?

I know that its not my place to teach her how to apologize, and I'm not even going to attempt to. But if she is trying to apologize, is there a way I can help her? If she is trying to work that out, even if its just for her benefit, is there a 'better' communication?

I thought about 'modeling', but I have done a lot of apologizing of my own already - in writing and verbal - I fear that to continue to apologize would be 'more words' and could be seen as pursuing.

One thing I'm very grateful for from all this is the tremendous sense of clarity it has given me about the kind of person I am, the kind of person I'd like to be, what I was doing that was hurting me, and some notions I've been clinging to that are holding me back from enjoying my life more. I find myself taking action to seek to become that person more than I used to. In general, I feel like things are going to move forward for me, even if during the day there is plenty of pain and hurt that I haven't learned to let go of yet. I would like it if W was on that journey with me - I know that its going to be a beautiful thing - but I know that part of that journey is accepting that she has chosen not to take it.