Dazed and confused...

[lstincali22]

Looks like my best bet is to continue to post, mostly journaling, it helps me get my thoughts in order or released so they can’t cause any damage or at least minimize it.

Baseball game with S9 was fun, he took one of his friends and they both had a great time. I need to continue to do things with them individually so they continue to feel that I am there for both of them no matter what the situation.

Although I have been knee deep in this roller coaster ride for over year now, and it’s not getting any easier.

It is such a difficult living situation, being physically close to the women I love, adore and want to be able to hold close to me and yet we are miles apart from each other. The worst part for me to accept is that it seems to be just the way she wants it.
I am trying my best to detach, but having her here under my nose makes it all the more difficult.
I would so like to just get to the “the from this day forward” but I have to be patient, she needs to decide what she wants and I need to give her time.

I need to continue working on me and keeping a great relationship with my boys.

My SS14 really has a lot of resentment toward W, I have decided that I cannot be the referee or get caught up in the middle of their relationship. She needs to work on having a better relationship with her S, with the way things seem be going around here I may not always be there to be the ref. so they need to figure out how to get along.

My SS14 knows what is going on and in more than one occasion he has asked if it would be possible for him to live with me if W and I split up. All I tell him is that we will have to work those things out if we get there and that he has no need to worry about those things. I tell him that he just needs to focus on his school work and the things he love, sports.

I worry because according to my research I have absolutely no legal rights to him as a step parent even though I have been “dad” since he was 3 years old. It would devastate both of us if we were not able to be in each other’s lives. I would hope that my W would never let things get to that point, but you never know.