I texted STBX today to check on her after last nights talk. She texted that she can't do this anymore, that all our conversations are long emotional ones. I agreed and actually suggested that we stick to email, text or BBM and only about kids,logistics, legal or financial. She agreed. Now, I need to honor my commitment.
More importantly, I have been looking at things from her perspective today. After last night, I believe that she and OM really didn't have sex and/or start a relationship until this year. That means something, because it means that even after one year of separation, she hadn't given up and was still working on saving us to some extent. I was so occupied with my efforts, I didn't even give her credit.
The biggest thing that came out of last night's talk is something I have forced to the back of my memory. I am warning all that what I am about to say is very graphic and upsetting. You may want to stop reading now.
Many of you were not even here when I returned almost 2 years ago, so you don't know of a horrendous thing I did to my wife that was the final straw for her and the ultimate end of our marriage. Up until today I had not admitted anywhere but here in my original thread from August 09 and in my counselors office. Today I told two friends.
One night more than 2 years ago now, I came home from work and my wife was naked in our bed. She was suffering from a lupus/arthritis flare and had taken pain killers and sleeping pills. She was essentially comatose. Again, you may want to stop reading. I won't go into full details here, but the bottom line is that I sexually assaulted my wife while she was passed out. There was no penile penetration, but it was very rough and lasted for quite some time. It was horrendous and is the worst thing I have ever done in my life. I could still be in jail right now. I thought she slept right through it, but she didn't. A couple months later she told the truth during an argument and that day - August 26 2009 - our marriage really began to unravel.
I have never dealt with my guilt and shame for what I did. I violated the woman I claim to love more than any woman in the world. I destroyed the woman I am supposed to protect. It has stopped me from making all the changes I want. I managed to allow myself to not see how that moment affected everything in our life since. That horrible event is the one reason my wife could never fully let me back into her life even though we dated etc after she moved out.
I could go on for pages about it, but the bottom line is that I have decided I need to tell our kids about it to some extent in order for them to understand what happened between their Mom and Dad. They need to know that I was the bad guy. They need to know why she couldn't feel safe with me and couldn't come home.
I won't tell them enough to hate me or to embarrass their Mom, but they deserve the truth. It will also help them to understand why I still have so many bad days. The guilt consumes me.
I have been wrong about so many things for so long. I finally need to start doing what is right for my kids,myself and STBX. We all need to heal and it starts with me being more honest with myself and with them.
It is 100% too late to save my marriage, but not too late to save the people I care about the most in the world.
