Red, I think you should read and re-read all that 25 has told you. There are so many gems in that one post.
My situation has been going on for a long, long time and I stuffed up so many times but I finally realised I really had to ignore that ow existed particularly when H kept moving towards me and making steps towards reconnecting with me.
It's been a long, long journey. I looked and listened for evidence that the R with ow was 'on the rocks.' My gut told me that it wouldn't last but it seemed to go on and on even though they hardly seemed to see each other.
25 said, " I find most men (maybe women too, but I'm biased) are like swinging monkeys and cannot let go of one vine unless they have another one already in hand." This is certainly how it seemed in my case.
Now, I am in the very early stages of reconnection and there were times that I worried and fretted about ow's existence as H and I began to reconnect. And, so many people gave me their advice, invited or not......they told me I wasn't loving and respecting myself enough and I should be telling H to disappear until ow was gone, gone, gone.
And as we got closer I wished ow would be gone and then finally she was. Now I understand that there is email contact and my therapist has advised that I shouldn't give this too much attention and I should instead just focus on the positives and with time and when our R is more secure I can state my boundaries.
