The show goes on

[25yearsmlc]

hmmm You were doing what worked and then...you stopped doing what worked...why?

Why sabotage what was working? Maybe you want to punish him? Or maybe you don't want to be married to him after all?

Or maybe, you just have not changed all that much...

let's look at some lost opportunities and learn from them and see what did work...

a month ago you wrote:


I'm not scared anymore. I know I'll b ok. In fact better than ok. Is it normal to feel this way? If u had asked me two months ago if I wanted my H and M back, I would have not have hesitated. Of course i do! Today is a different story. The truth is I don't know. I haven't felt loved by H for a long time so this empty feeling that I have right now isn't that different. 

The truth is he never gave me the time of day during the week. He was too busy with his work or the gym. Then on weekends it was the same story. So the fog seems to have cleared for me. My marriage wasn't that great. H wasn't that great and probably in turn neither was I. 

So where does that leave me? Ive realised i need to create my own happiness. No more codependency for me. Heres what I plan to do:

- concentrate on being the best mum I can be. have heaps of fun/expeiences with S3
- concentrate on my work and do a course
- lead a healthy life. Continue going to the gym and not eat junk food. 
- spend more time with friends and enjoy life
- go on a holiday with just S3


The show must and will go on. How will it end? Who knows? It's only just begun....
___
You sounded so healthy here! What happened to THAT Plan? Oh, it began to work...??

Another good plan you had:

I'm not sure entirely what to do. So I've decided to follow what I know the right thing to do in this situation is: to live my life like H is never coming back. And u know what I'm ok with that.

what happened to that plan?

Here's some things your MIL said to you and your replies...

- I'm not saying who's wrong or right. To which I replied, well I have text messages to prove I'm right.

Red, do you want to be "right" or happy? Why do you think it's smart to argue with her? What difference will it make TO HER if her son is 'wronger' than you? She wants him to be happy...

She also said:

- You know what H is like.... you should try to make it easier for him

SHE'S SAYING "KEEP THE ROAD HOME PAVED & SMOOTH AND YOU are arguing that??

or he'll run away if he feels it's too hard. Excusing his behaviour!

SHE IS NOT EXCUSING IT AT ALL. OMG.... SHE'S TRYING TO HELP YOU


- He "has every right to see S3 as much as he likes and you shouldn't control when or for how long." Again I was gobsmacked!

WHY ARE YOU 'GOBSMACKED" BY THIS?

SHE'S 100% RIGHT^^AND

SHE'S TRYING TO HELP YOU SEE THAT YOU ARE COMING ACROSS
(ACCURATELY OR NOT) AS CONTROLLING.

- The Wednesday nite outings are good for S3 to show positive parenting. I said it hurt to sit there knowing my husband is sleeping with OW. She said well if you're going to act like a hurt wife it's never going to work. OMG!
I'm livid just livid!


To me, she's saying the same thing I've said to you, which is

"Lose the anger" b/c IT DOES NOT WORK!


June 11 you wrote that he said


then he told me that he wants to file for 50 per cent custody of S3 cos MIL said that they needed to spend more time together. I can't believe this! He does everything she tells him!
The puppet master at her best! She's not even taking into account what's best for S3!

Are you taking into account what is best for s3? Really?


The fact that H is not a good father ATM.


So he's been AWOL? But he sees s3 on a regular basis. Is it possible you want to punish him for OW by withholding s3?

And btw, if he's AWOL from s3 and that bothers you, why aren't you thrilled he wants more time with s3?

So, you'd be happier if he wanted LESS TIME WITH S3?? Hmm

Something tells me he cannot win with you.


MIL doesn't see that. I know why she is doing this. It's because H lives a block away from her and now she can have more time with S3. Just another puppet to control! He'll no!

Well I guess you'll show HER! Wow, Way to manipulate time with the s3 to punish her and your h. Oh and btw, you are doing major mind reading (negatively of course) about her... super helpful...oh wait, no it isn't.

I cannot see how this approach helps YOU or your sitch in any way....and btw, it looks petty and mean, in court.

Stop making this a power struggle b/c you are hurting.

Your pride is hurting your cause. A lot...and anger plays well with pride.


Later on, your h made several conciliatory comments to you...they may have been totally sincere or they may have merely been probes to see how hard you'd make it for him to come back...

Then he said - "I havent ruled out reconciliations between us". I didn’t reply or react to this statement.

Well done. Way to hold your tongue.


Then H stated that he would like to buy an apartment close to where his new job might be. After which he asked would I consider moving there? I stated that if things were to change and we were on the right track I would consider it.

Stay general and vague about your conditions. He's still on the fence...you have no real leverage...yet. Don't overwhelm him with the mountains he'll have to climb to "earn you back"...remember you had a role in this too.

Make sure you tell HIM that you own your role and that m to you from this day forward, could be different!!! I'd probably tell mil something like that too.

He looked happy to hear this. He went on for a while about what type of apartment we should have and that we should sell both our cars and get one new one and which school S3 could attend. To me it sounded like he wanted to start new. New job, new place, new car, new life. I’m not sure what to think of this?

Who cares? He's SAYING he wants a fresh new start and that sounds reasonable. The proof is in what he DOES to implement these wishes.

Another positive me thinks - inviting me to family functions. This is a few months away so we will see how things progress. No expectations, I said thanks for the invite I will consider it.
I went home and felt at peace. I know it was a positive experience but that is what was. I realise things can change in a heart beat. I will still work on myself and focus on what I need to do and accomplish.
-
all sounds great at your end, so far...Oh, here it comes...

I cannot have too many expectations. If however, I were to be honest with my self, thats the part that scares me the most. I am starting to get expectations and I dont want to. I need to slow my thoughts down and back the hell away......
----

I stepped on something which I didn't recognize and I picked it up and saw that it was OWs corset/underwear. I wanted to vomit. I froze and felt completely paralysed

I felt so afraid. I knew they were still together but to see and hold the evidence was too much. I just wanted to get out of there.....but I couldn't. What was I going to say? I had no right to confront him. I knew and he knows I know that they are together. But it still hurt. It hurt my husband was sleeping with OW. And in an apartment that we use to live in. And who knows maybe they live together.

the same bed that my S3 sleeps in when he is there. It makes me ill. In fact when I got to Hs apartment yesterday S3 was taking his nap and I went in to check on him. He looked so peaceful in that bed. It really makes me sick. 


How do those last 2 sentences make you feel about you, when you read them?

As I sat there on his floor I realised I was faced with two choices:
1. Get mad and confront him
2. Get up and act as if

"You might want to reconsider the LRT only b/c "No family time" sounds punitive, AND couldn't you argue that time together as a family, if it were fun, warm, loving, kind and forgiving, would demonstrate to him that you CAN forgive and that the Road Home is Paved and Smooth...??".

Yeah, I think that's my quote actually. But I'm not saying the LRT is what you need now.

Unless it's for you. Since you have trouble lately keeping your thoughts to yourself, maybe no contact is the only avenue you have. That's too bad but it might be realistic.


He also said I was welcome to sleep over his apartment on the Saturday nite. Again I said thanks but I'm sleeping over a friends place. Looks like H is wanting to spend more time together but I'm going to make sure that it's not too much too soon. Don't want to overwhelm him or me for that matter. Besides he is still with OW.

H has said he has not ruled out reconciling, he has talked about us living together and buying a new car, he wants us to come to BILs engagement party, he wants us to join him interstate for the weekend, he wants me to sleep over at his apartment. Yet in saying all of this he is still with OW.

So is the OW a dealbreaker for you or are you trying to punish him? I mean you sure do bring her up a lot...like every time your h says a kind word to you or if he brings up a future together with you and s3...

THEN at those potentially loving moments, you bring her up AGAIN...

to remind him of how wrong he is and how hard it's going to be for you to forgive and how hard it's going to be for him to be happy with you....

b/c you are having such a hard time forgiving or letting it go...

I find most men (maybe women too, but I'm biased) are like swinging monkeys and cannot let go of one vine unless they have another one already in hand.


You guys then had these texts messages....

HH: I hope that we work this out Red, like you wrote in your letter
Me: Is that what you want?
H: Yes. I think that getting to know each other again whilst giving each other space is good?
Me: I like the getting to know each other idea. I couldn't however, consider being with you if you are still with another person 

OMG Not the OW again! The man is on the fence and you are pushing him...OFF the to the other side. You are not in a position to make conditions YET.... LATER, YES...NOT NOW....NOT WHEN HE'S STILL ON THE FENCE...

H: I understand that. I am presently extracating myself from a difficult situation and this is the main reason I am leaving X (current work place)
Me: I understand. And I'm glad you read my letter. I meant what I said
H: Hopefully time will heal us. I just pray that by the time I have sorted out my shyte Johny (personal trainer at gym) hasn't snapped you up
Me: Johny is the least of your problems . I trust you'll get your shyte sorted. I've never lost faith in you. 

Nice ending though.

THEN THIS "R TALK" HAPPENED...AGAIN...


Whilst at the park H got all teary. I asked him what was wrong. After a while he said he missed his family. I said we missed him too. Anyway we got talking a bit. And I asked whether he wanted to talk some more. So we went back to his place. And things went from bad to worse.

After S3 went to bed I started a R talk. I just wouldn't shut up. I kept pushing. I kept asking. I wouldn't stop. I told him I knew everything. And that he needed to make a decision. I royally effed up!
THEN you laid out all the conditions YOU would require and went on and on about how much he has hurt you and s3 (as if s3 cares about OW at this point. Sorry but at most your son misses daddy time. So if h gets 50% custody I guess that will make it right...seriously, you have to let go of OW. I would act as if she did not exist. But I would not move back in with h until she was gone. I would not even say it out loud...it's obvious.


I told him that I couldn't see him any longer. That there would be no more family dinners/outings. In fact we couldn't be friends. I said he had hurt me and he was continuing to do so by choosing OW over me and his family.

though he tried to conceal it. I am so hurt.

So you want it to be over right? You want to end it now
b/c you cannot forgive him...

Right? Oh wait, that's NOT what you meant?

Oh, too bad b/c that's what I took from your talk.

You punished him for hurting you...and now it's all over....


After I left he sent the following text:
I'm really sorry Red. I don't know anything at the moment. I am so confused. I didn't need to be pushed for an answer because I am not in position to answer anything at present.

Lucky for you, he thinks there's still a R to work on....and He says he doesn't need to be pushed. I believe him. Do you?

So, does that matter to you? Seriously, does it?

You have the right to say "fini!"

but don't say it's a DB method that didn't work...b/c this is NOT DBing...

Since you must have known at the time that you were hurting your cause

I think you should look at the reasons for the sabotaging.

Were you merely lashing out in anger and impatience?

Or were you saying "i really don't want this m anyhow"?

After all, less than a month ago it hit you that the m wasn't so great after all...

So, sounds as if you are confused too. why not tell your h THAT?

"I'm not sure I know what I want anymore either. Let's give each other some space" and then

you detach FOR REAL...

IF YOU CANNOT DETACH NOW,

WHEN YOU CAN SEE THAT IT MAY ACTUALLY HELP THE SITUATION

YOU NEVER WILL

and

YOU ARE EITHER COMPLETELY UNDISCIPLINED OR

YOU REALLY DO NOT WANT THIS...

You decide. It's your life.

I really do understand if you want to throw in the towel. There are good people here who cannot deal with an affair, period.

If you are one of them, so be it. So decide, b/c we can't decide for you.

You'll have to let go of your obsession about OW

IN ORDER TO BE HAPPY IN YOUR LIFE

WITH OR WITHOUT H....but that doesn't mean you have to be m to him.