Yesterday was a bit uncomfortable, but no more damage done. We talked a bit this morning about H possibly moving into the vacant apt for the month of July - if only to prevent more damage. It was the thought I woke up with this morning. We have to list it in August if we want to attract students starting sch in Sept. It's a thought. I'm not sure how I feel about it.
We worked well together in the shop, and had an amazing day. Saturdays have a party vibe so it's hard not to have fun.
Shop assistant and I decided to do 20's theme, and we were pretty awesome. H told me quite a few times how good I looked.
He feels pretty bad. I told him this morning that I don't want to hear "sorry", excuses, or self-defeating remarks. I told him I will not punish him - I think he wants that, thinking it will make him feel better. So that doesn't leave much for him to do, but dig deep, reflect, and hopefully gain insight.
He is not catholic, I am not a priest, and I cannot grant him absolution. He needs to figure this out inside.
I'm exhausted. I need to watch a funny movie. Hopefully I'll make more sense in the morning...
The short term gain is getting less and less as time goes on. The feeling of regret and "don't go down this road" is happening almost immediately after the words come out of my mouth.
I think my ego and pride are getting in the way decency and respect.
Yes, yesterday was very uncomfortable; I don't sleep properly when I'm at odds with my W. Lying awake at 4AM, looking at my W and knowing that I've just put our relationship in reverse, again, is becoming an all to common feeling that drains us both.
This morning my W said that she appreciates the things I do for her, like working in the store, etc, but want she really wants is someone that makes her feel loved and does the things that she couldn't otherwise pay someone to do i.e. cleaning, etc (does that make sense).
Regardless, staying in our apartment is not something I want, but I'll go if it makes my W feel better and improves the survivability of our relationship.
Yes, I've created a poop-sandwich....again. My pride is getting in the way. Whenever I;m questioned, I instatntly feel like "who the ##$&%#&@ are you to question me"; "I worked hard when I was away on business" or, I think "that was a stupid thing to ask".
I always forget that I have been unfaithful and unsupportive, and that the effects of verbal and psycological abuse are cumulative.
Thanks again. I have to eat supper now. Will write later.
Herb , to me it sounds like you resent being accountable to your wife.
I offer this for you to ponder:
" To a person in arrested development, accountability looks like authority. As someone matures, accountability is safety."
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
The short term gain is getting less and less as time goes on. The feeling of regret and "don't go down this road" is happening almost immediately after the words come out of my mouth.
I think my ego and pride are getting in the way decency and respect.
I don't mean to offend but I'm going to be blunt.
I don't know if it's pride/ego so much as
you are simply a bully with a nasty temper.
When you lose your temper or make a cutting remark, you hurt someone.
An apology helps in the moment, but it does NOT ease or erase the pain you inflicted.
At some point, a spouse has had enough. With women, usually we only drop a bomb when there's very little love left in our tank b/c as long as there is some, we tend to stay. It's unfortunate in a way.
There are men who really will change if they fear losing their families but the tragedy is that even if the w stays, the R's with her and the kids and the bully are never as good as they could have been....
It'd be great if someone simply listened to what the spouse said
and cared enough about the pain they were inflicting, to change
EVEN WITHOUT the threat of losing them.
The real question is--How would marriage to you from this day forward,
be different than marriage to you before?
If you cannot show your w with actions, that it would be better
how can you restore the m or get her to recommit?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
you are very lucky she is here. Don't assume she always will be.
For you to lose your temper at her now, with what is at stake, is just very UNhealthy.
Have you seen a c about this? I'm a veteran and married to one as well. There are resources within the military and you can outsource it and maintain confidentiality unless you are a threat to the moral/welfare of your soldiers or self.
IOW don't use the excuse that it would hurt your military career to get help. That's an outdated belief/excuse. (my h and I were both field grade officers & I know there are things that can hurt your career. Like losing your temper at work OR having your rater learn that you lose it a lot at home).
Hmm, come to think of it, I would bet you don't lose your temper at work b/c you'd be court-martialed if you did.
So why not contain the temper at home too? You obviously know how to.
Prove me wrong about the bullying. I want to be wrong. I really do.
My fil, a retired Marine,
was a bully too. He's on his 4th wife.
I have to say, he bottomed out before he met her and began to change and evolve b/c he did not want to be alone the rest of his life
and he met a widow from a happy marriage who had healthy boundaries and did not need him or his money (she was independently wealthy)
He has evolved into the best h HE can be (meaning, although he can still be overbearing and boorish, which makes for a lot FEWER visits with the kids)
he is still a lot better than he was with his first 3 wives, all of whom left him.
And he is definitely happier than before.
HE changed....can you?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Herb , to me it sounds like you resent being accountable to your wife.
I offer this for you to ponder:
" To a person in arrested development, accountability looks like authority. As someone matures, accountability is safety."
That is brilliant. I knew someone would start cracking him eventually. I've been trying to figure this out for years, and one simple sentence just turned the lightbulb on. Thanks.
So we discussed H moving again this morning. He brought it up. The first thing that I thought was that if I was him, and I did NOT want to move, that I would not bring that up. So I thought that part of him wants to move.
He said that he does not want to move, so I asked him what he's going to do if he stays. He said avoid getting mad. I asked him how he's going to do that. He said he didn't know. I asked him how that worked for him before. He said it didn't. I asked him why this time would be different. He didn't know but he hoped it would. I asked him if he knew why he got mad and he said he didn't. I asked him how he was going to stop if he didn't know WHY. And he said I don't know, I'll take a chance. I told him that if that was what his plan was, then he was taking a chance with my mental health.
Based on his lack of motivation to dig deeper, stop doing what isn't working (hoping for the best - winging it), and lack of regard for what this does to me when winging it doesn't work, I DO think that moving into the apt might be the best option for now.
I hate to expand our situation. If H moves, our son would know (his girlfriend lives in the upstairs apt). He is working in another province for the summer. I hate to add to HIS stress! The kid is going full tilt and has been since starting univ. He never stops studying during the sch year, he works in remote locations all summer in a tough environment to pay for school. this would affect him so badly.
We live in a small city where everyone knows everyone. My business is gaining a modest profile, so I would be hearing about it from other people within days. I would be hearing about it all day. I don't know if I could keep up my happy-shop-persona in the face of that!
If we could take this option without anyone knowing about it, I think it would actually help us to reveal what we actually have. I just don't know if I can take doing this to our son.
I know that there may not be a choice if H doesn't go further than "not wanting to get mad again". But he just doesn't seem to know what to do, and seems willing to keep doing what hasn't worked for him before.
