Thanks GAL Man.. I just know that the posts end up buried, so I don't actually think anyone is ignoring them, just think nobody sees them. Gosh I've been a rambling mess this week.. Sorry to anyone reading my stuff
To answer the question of friends and family. Friends - yes I have tons, and they are fabulous in supporting me but they all have young families of their own, so they can only help me out so much.. Also, they pretty much all hate my H for what's happened, so while I know they mean well, they are urging me to divorce and move on with my life. I have no family close by - and they don't help out with anything, as the 20 minute drive to my house is 'out of town'. They are nice people though and would support me on whatever decision I make. I love my family b/c they are my family, but we're just not very close. I have also started talking to an IC recently, who is pretty good.
Any free time I have I do my best to GAL - but my free time is limited with two little ones and nobody who is ever willing to babysit. My H comes by a few nights a week - but he's only here an hour - not really enough time to do anything...
Today has been a better day - I've calmed down quite a bit and whenever I get to spend time with the kids, I always feel better (thank goodness for weekends). I do continue to flip back and forth literally every 5 minutes about the divorce - one minute I think divorce is the best thing for ME to should I not give up quite yet. At the end of the day, it still doesn't feel 'right' to me - and even my H admits it doesn't feel 'right'. But he also says staying together doesn't feel 'right' either.
The only thought that I keep going back to is the antidepressants - thats the one piece where i wonder if giving up is the right thing to do, b/c I am 100% convinced he IS clinically depressed - and the fact that the dr prescribed him the meds makes me even more convinced. He just keeps saying how unhappy he is with his whole life. Maybe I'm the reason for his unhappiness, and maybe I'm not - I dont think we'll ever really know. But I keep thinking - I married in sickness and in health - and I wouldn't walk away from him if he had cancer, should I walk away from him now? Obviously I am not going to have this discussion with him as its such a personal private thing for him, but I have to wonder if he's even in the right state of mind to be making major life decisions. He's only been on meds for three weeks - is there a possibility of the meds kicking in in a few months? I'm by no means naive enough to think that meds could magically make him love me or anything silly like that, but I have to wonder that if meds do eventually help him, and the fog lifts a bit, then maybe he won't think our marriage is so awful. Or maybe he will still think that, which is okay too - as long as he is making that decision with a clear head. Does that make sense? I don't know what to think anymore.. gosh I just wish I could have FIVE minutes where I wasn't thinking about anything...
