How long is long? I am so frustrated and feeling so rejected today. I know I need to focus on myself and I am trying. But, when will he wake up? He is ruining our family. NO contact with the kids. I don't get it!! But OW has a child. Is that one a replacement?
I want to throw in the towel.
I've posted to you before and you say that my posts help. But it seems you are retaining the information for about 2 days and then going back to square one.
It's frustrating for me to see you make zero movement forward. You say "I try to GAL and focus on me BUT WHAT ABOUT HIM/WHY IS HE DOING THIS/WHEN WILL HE COME BACK????? HIM HIM HIM HIM...
If you want to throw in the towel after a few months b/c you are "tired of trying", so be it. But don't pretend you've been DBing, even for that short time.
If you want to throw in the towel b/c you realize he's an alcoholic and you don't want THAT in your life, so be it. THAT I would understand a lot more than the small amount of time you've put in here, relatively.
See, again, my signature line.
However mine only applies so much since I didn't have the terrible realization that my h had a disease he's unlikely to solve, as you do...
The pattern your h is in now,
is one in which he seems to feel LESS like hiding and fooling everyone by being a "great dad and H"
AND
MORE like he just wants to get drunk. Sorry Life.
"How long is long?"
Normally, MY personal timeline is a year of good solid effort. Then it requires an honest assessment about any results.
The distinction in your situation is your h is an alcoholic & you claim not to have known this.
So some of what you are attached to isn't even real. He is not the man you believed him to be.
As I've asked you before on other threads,
what is it you are losing?
Let's do an exercise.
Imagine your h had crashed his car and died.
Fast forward to whenever it is that you would be more or less, over the grief.
What would your life look like then? I mean, at some point you would heal, correct? OR
Would you curl up into the fetal position and surrender to eternal sadness?
Would you emotionally abandon your kids?
The answer to all those questions, I hope, is No.
So then, what's really bothering you is that he's with someone else. That means your ego took a hammer blow.
I get it. That hurts. But at least see that it's a wall of ego,
and NOT true loss that you are smashing into.
Once you face that, you can do some cognitive work to talk yourself into realizing why THIS part, isn't about you.
Once you realize this part is about HIS DRINKING,
you'll feel a bit less frazzled.
After all, OW drinks w/him and you don't...gee that sure does sound like true love to me!
FYI, my FIL is a highly functioning alcoholic w/some money and good looks. He married wife#3 b/c she drank too...that lasted 2 years.
See, He had lost his first 2 wives due to his drinking and behavior while drunk,
(which also influenced his behavior even while sober).
When it came right down to it, at that time in his life, he chose to drink over working on the 2nd marriage (& the woman he really loved).
He lost wife#3 (no loss in my eyes but that's just me) to divorce.
He got really lonely after awhile (had a brief recon with #3, but finally it ended for good...)
He hit bottom over a 2 year period, and then finally began to look for a woman to date. Miraculously, he met a healthy, wealthy woman (so she didn't "need" him for money) who had boundaries.
She was a widow who had a long term healthy marriage before her h's death. She didn't have weird baggage or a drinking problem.
She had normal healthy boundaries and expectations. She was strong and loving. Think "iron fist in a velvet glove"....FIL was crazy about her. He was motivated!!
Today, My fil is the best man HE can be now. He still drinks and I wish he didn't. But in truth, he drinks a whole lot less.
He's the happiest and most loving he's ever been. He's 75...they've been married now for 15 years and
so it took HIM
60 years to learn how to love someone without needing to control them.
Take what you will from this.
But know that in your sitch, what you are feeling is mostly
rejection from a man whose primary motivation now is drinking, and hiding from shame.
That's what alcoholism is and does. I grew up with it, and it sukkks.
I wish you'd focus on the life you are creating, your children, and NOT on
what his drunken wacky thinking means.
Your h sounds like a raging alcoholic who is shacking up with another drunk. And you are obsessing about what it all means. THAT IS WHAT IT MEANS...
he's an alcoholic who chooses to drink with another drunk, OVER
coming home to a rejected angry wife and sad kids who are disappointed in him.
Don't ask the kids not to feel what they feel.
Deal with the reality that it's HIS problem, not theirs to ignore or "cope with"...that type of behavior is what screws up kids.
It's like telling the kids to "Pay no attention to daddy stumbling b/c the most important thing kids, is that he's HERE and is NOT what you are seeing.... look the other way and deny what is happening..."
That's crazy making, it's not right. It's unfair to them. But it's typical of co-dependent enablers...
There are wives who like that their h's are drunks b/c all the problems in the family are HIS. The wife is "right". The wife may also feel "he won't leave ME b/c of what I put up with"
...but they do leave...and when the wife gets honest with herself,
sometimes she realizes he's done her a favor.
The focus you need is on creating your new, healthy life. You can pray and hope
he gets help b/c he's the father of your children. However...
Since he's NOT presently interested in a recon w/ you
and he's NOT presently interested in much of a R with the kids
you are wasting your energy and time trying to figure out
why this is happening, why he's a drunk, when is too long and blah blah blah all about HIM...that misplaced focus is on you, it's your responsibility for how you handle this.
Take care of your kids and GAL...it all gets easier once you do that.
Stop resisting this advice please. We're telling you how we think you can get happier.
Do you want to be happier? Seriously...do you?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
