H will be home tonight, not tomorrow like I thought.
Hopefully we can continue the communicating. And hopefully he will start thought-dumping too. It's been very cathartic for me that he's been so remorseful and understanding about MY hurt, but I would hate for him to stay in that mode forever. I don't in any way want to punish him.
I'm sure he has a lot to say and I really would like to hear it.
H got home last night, and things did not go well.
Before he got home, I was feeling a little iffy about H's time away - his participation on the forum was minimal, his emails to me were all during the day, and I was wondering what he was doing at night. In my head, things were starting to spiral.
When he got home, I was reading up on the history of Tampa. He came home and I asked him a question about why he flew through a certain city on the way back. Instead of just answering me, he reverted back to "being accused" and started to take us apart.
He asked, if I was feeling the way I was feeling, then why was I reading about Tampa. I asked him if I should NOT be, and he said no, I shouldn't. Everything is black and white for him. There is no "working on things", or not for long. His tone was so defensive, he threw everything away again.
He doesn't appear to be able to deal with me not trusting him. He reassured me once the other night, and that was nice, it really was.
It hurts so bad that he isn't into this, unless I pretend to be fine. I'm not. I didn't dream up not trusting him. He gave me a ton of reasons why I shouldn't.
I wish we didn't have a home-coming like that. I know he was tired from travelling, but I could have asked him anything and he was ready to be defensive. He said he knew something was going to happen before he got in the house because the lights were on, and I was up. What??? How does that tell him anything? He was primed. Unless I completely acted last night, something was going to happen - him getting defensive.
But I can't act anymore. It only keeps us in an artificial state. I just want to know the truth, and if it's that he just doesn't have the patience to deal with my trust issues, I will move on. I don't want to force him to do anything, including being married to me for the wrong reasons.
He said the other night that "it will take time" to sooth me. And he was right. It wasn't hard to do. He was nice, he was understanding, and it was all I needed to hear. And I probably would need to hear those few soothing words a few hundred times, over a not-so-long period of time to ultimately feel safe with him. But it's obviously too much for him to do.
This just hurts so much more now. I feel like I was an open book for the last couple of weeks in so many ways. It did scare me and my gut was saying that I was being naive. The fact that he went away right before I felt that way didn't help. If he had been more involved while he was away, I might not have spiraled. But really, I would rather have the truth, whatever it is, and if he's not into it, I would like that to be seared into my brain, so I get it, and not open myself up to him, like I've been doing.
I think I need to take a step back from opening my heart too wide for now.
He only seems to want to work on things when I'm about to walk. When I'm all in, he is cold, defensive, and mean.
I can't go back and forth like this. I am getting the feeling that his heart is not involved with this, but mine is, and it can't take the back and forth.
This really is so sad. I blurted out all that "stuff", got the anger out of my system, and I thought I was actually moving on to a place where I could hear HIM, his complaints, his hurts.
Maybe he can't move there, and needs to keep us stuck. If he reassures me too much, maybe then we'll actually end up somewhere real. And maybe there is no "real" for him.
I'm sorry things didn't go well for you two last night.
I think that maybe there are dynamics to this that are hard to see under the circumstances, and I don't know enough to begin to propose what those are in your specific case, but I would consider that he is probably going through his own pain and his own troubles, and his defensiveness is a way of keeping himself and you from having to recognize that too much.
I doubt he really 'wants' to remain stuck. Getting angry or defensive is an example of 'short term gain, long term pain' because we have the pain of our anger and then the repeated pain of our failures to learn from it and grow.
I suppose there is a hurdle low enough that he could walk right over - what might it be?
M: 32 W: 29 T: 9 Years M: 4 Years I hit rock bottom: 2/11 PA admitted: 4/11 WAW: 5/11 D filed: 6/11 now: Patience, wisdom, and growth - hopefully.
Talk...I am sorry this happened to you. As a man with anger and emotional problems, it will take some time for Herb to be able to change his behavior (if that is what he truly wants to do). Based on what you wrote (and there are ALWAYS 2 sides to every story), he came home looking for a fight/blow off some steam. That is on him. You keep doing what YOU need to do to keep yourself happy. Your trust issues are real and you have every right to have them. You are a good person and deserves happiness, peace, and love.
Herb...I don't know what happened or why, but please let me give you some advice. I was a hot head and was always right. Whenever I got mad at ANYTHING, my wife was the one to get the brunt of it. Do you know what this does to them? It tears away the love they have for you each time you do it. I did it so much, when my wife told me she was leaving, she had really checked out about a year earlier. I was told yesterday that she is already interested in someone else (and the ink is barely dry on our divorce). I tell you this because it is obvious that your wife STILL LOVES YOU. You can save your marriage. I guarentee you, everyone on this site would give their almost anything to be in the situation that you are in. To have their spouse care so much about them that instead of just leaving, they are fighting for the marriage to work. CAN YOU SEE THAT??? I just want to grab you and shake you so you can wake up and see what you have and what you are about to lose.
NO MORE REACTING OR BEING DEFENSIVE. If your wife questions you about something, you stop, take a breath, think about the answer, and CALMLY answer her. She isn't asking it to piss you off or to make you angry. She's asking it because she needs/wants to know something. Your answers help alleviate her fears/worries. The WAY you answer (tone/civility) helps her know you are trying and will make her fall deeper in love with you. Try this from now on...Whenever your wife (or anyone for that matter) says something to you and it iritates you are you are angry, don't answer for at least 60 seconds (or longer if that is what you need). Gather yourself, calm yourself. Think about what you want to convey to them. After you do all of that, THEN answer. You will be amazed how much easier it is to not react or be so defensive if you just take the time to think.
This is for both of you...It is going to take a LONG time for both of you to get back to a place where you are absolutely secure in your relationship. I think the book says for every bad year, it takes a month of doing everything right to make up for it. My Ex said it takes longer then that, but she didn't give me a chance. There WILL be setbacks. There WILL be some backsliding. That is OK. Just make sure you CALMY talk things out. Take the time to apologize if you did or said something you shouldn't have. Tell each other you love the other.
I really want to see you both work out. I want you both to be happy. Happy with yourself and your spouse.
In addition to Brian's suggestions I will share what I have learned.
Pay attention to the physical signs of your anger rising. The heat in your ears, the balling of your hands, the increased respiration, the flushed feeling from your neck/face. If that begins to happen: Give yourself a TIME OUT. Excuse yourself, tell the person " I am getting angry, I need time to think clearly. Recognise your anger- what is really going on, what caused you to react? Identify how you feel. "What is it I'm really feeling?" Check your perceptions: " Maybe I misunderstood." After you do all this, go back and discuss using "I" statements. ( I heard you say...., so I began to feel,....and reacted by....)
If a list of words of common feelings helps you identify things better, make that list, but remember, anger is not one of those feelings. It's what is underneath that anger you need to express.
Hope this helps you.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
I will Brian as I can recognize situations and the tools to pass on.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
