My story is long and fairly crappy - but I could definitely use some advice and hope because my internal reserves are wearing thin.
I definitely take the lion's share of the blame for where my marriage is at, and expect some harsh words, which I will try to handle gracefully.
My husband and I have been married 9 years, together for 10, and have 1 son, age 7, as well as my daughter from a previous marriage.
When I met my husband, online, I was in an abusive relationship - physically and emotionally. I left my abuser for him, but in retrospect, should not have entered in to a relationship as I was very broken.
I was dishonest with my husband about the state of the relationship I was in, telling him it was over when it wasn't yet.
In the year before we married, I had unacceptable conversations and interactions online. I was physically unfaithful once. He found out about everything almost immediately. I stopped, but 2 years later - about 6 months after our son was born - I entered into 2 other inappropriate relationships with friends from online. They both went as far as kissing before I stopped. My husband later informed me he was aware of them, although I had not known that at the time.
About 5 years after that, in 2009, my husband had an emotional affair with someone he met online. It included cybersex. I began an emotional affair with a coworker, which became physical to the point of kissing.
We had a DDay and I promised to break it off, which I did not. While he was out of town at his grandmother's funeral, I saw my affair partner again. My husband found out, and we had another DDay. This time I did break it off.
I have been affair free since then but the issues that caused the affairs were left unaddressed. He asked for marriage counseling but I was too scared to sit in front of someone and tell them what a horrible person I am.
Three weeks ago, he told me he can't see us together in 10 years and "I love you but I'm not in love with you". He can't see how to get past all the terrible things I've done. I can't blame him, but I want to try tom save my marriage. We are seeing a marriage counselor who we both like - we've been to three sessions.
In the last 3 weeks, he's stopped hugging me, kissing me, saying "I love you", really touching me at all. He will occasionally tell me to come hug him if our R talk has led to me crying, but that's it. He sleeps in the same bed with me and we do "family" things, but he's very distant.
After receiving and reading DR last week, I've been trying to put some things into practice - no R talk unless he initiates it, no asking for reassurances (hugs, no "I love you"), no inviting him to do things (although I do say "I was thinking of taking S to the Aquarium tomorrow" and he will say, "Yeah that sounds like fun, let's do that"). I don't follow him around or ask when he's coming to bed, what he's thinking/feeling, etc. He's noticed - he mentioned it in counseling on Thursday. He said he feels bad because me not asking for hugs has made the last week less stressful for him, but he knows it's hard for me.
But any words of hope or advice? I know there will be the "leaving you is the smartest thing he could do" posts, and part of me agrees, but I'm hoping to save my marriage, so hoping to see those posts too.
H: 39, Me: 37 SD: 18, S: 7 M: 9, T: 10 "I love you but am not in love with you" - 5/11 Discovered online affair - 7/11