WAW, Filing as Fast as Possible

[aeolianchaos]

W left about 20 minutes ago w/ cat to drive her to her parent's place. Basically no real information was exchanged, although she did thank me for watching the cat for all this time. I tried to stay out of her way and focused on writing in my journal. Let her talk.

I was up at 5:30 this morning, for me that is unheard of. I made sure the place was tidy and I looked pretty good when she showed up. I am working through this whole appearance issue - I have typically not put a lot of thought into my appearance

Last night we ended up in a conversation on the phone for almost 20 minutes. Longest conversation we've had since she said she wanted a divorce. I didn't bring up R, but she did - we ended up talking about a bunch of things:

- she feels like we are enemies (because I am not willing to watch her cat any longer). I told her that I do not consider her an enemy and don't wish her ill.

-I was firm w/ her that while we are not enemies, we are not going to be 'friends' following all this. I did not tell her this, but she has not once apologized sincerely for what she did, and I would not want to be friends with someone who deceived me, insulted me, cheated on me, and then tore my heart apart. And never tried to make any of it right. Originally I think I viewed this as 'consequences' of her decision, but more and more I think of it as what is probably best for me - I don't see a 'friendship' with her that would not feel like I was being a doormat and certainly the pain of seeing her with other partners would be more than I really want to expose myself to.

-She feels like she abandoned me. I told her that she abandoned the marriage.

-She now says "I care about you but I don't love you" and "I just don't want to be married to you." I told her she is entitled to her feelings and certainly has a right to choose who she is married to. Left it at that - my feeling is she made that choice when it was 'convenient' for her and then when things got tough, bailed.


Now she is headed off to her parents place and most likely I will be reframed as being a jerk, punitive, or a loser who she is better off without. Assumptions, I know..

Better get something going on for myself today or I'm going to waste it stewing in thoughts and worries.