And I'm not saying that a part of me didn't find it fascinating. I hunted/fished and snowmachined a lot. I learned to fly a plane. I killed (and consumed) a caribou.
But the darkness for months (SIGH)...and h was strange the month we got there too. We arrived when I was almost full term with our 3rd child (idiotic of me to consent to a move then, and leave a great support system at that time BTW)
We had a newborn and he just went AWOL on us. Fishing/hunting every weekend. I was stuck with a newborn (bless her heart for being an easy baby) and the "DEATHLY COLD" (per the newspaper) and the coming dark...geez...
So part of me probably was "irrational" in that I had a bad taste of it right off the bat when we moved there and he got wacky. Bought expensive items without discussion, more than once, even after it was clear how hurt I felt about that. Totally new behavior on his part. So I associated his selfishness with the place b/c that's where it surfaced and until he got it out of his system, years later,
he didnt' seem able to shake it. Didn't want to either.
"That which we resist, persists."
That's why I think HB has to let her h seek out his version of freedom. She needs to back off and pretend she's had an awakening, until it's true she'll have to fake it. Her present approach has done nothing
although at least they're on good terms.
Particularly if there's no OW, there's a good chance he could turn this around in a year.
But the more she clings, the more he'll struggle to free himself. Whatever it is that feels like a trap to him-he needs to feel he's setting himself free
(and I know my doctor h felt trapped by choices HE made,but seemed to think had "happened" to him, sometimes subconsciously blaming me e.g., leaving one career to enter a new, relentlessly demanding career, having 3 kids, being in the military for a chunk of it, buying a big house, etc)
They need to feel Free to choose what they want and they'll only CHOOSE
if they are free.
All the speeches and talk about marriage vows and commitment just sounds preachy, self righteous and oh, btw, is NOT effective. Plus it's clingy and controlling. Guilting a man into returning NEVER lasts that I know of.
That's why all the speeches and manipulations miss the point.
Heart, if you only knew how much time i WASTED on figuring out the exact right words to say and the right thing to wear or what to do...
you'd learn fast NOT to repeat my mistakes.
Please don't fret about your h's past or his childhood...this is DB land and we focus on solutions, meaning
what will help my M today?
Not how did HE feel about his mother, or what happened to him when he reached puberty?
Those questions have their place
but it's not here. You're wasting time on your version of his journey and where
you think his solo trip should go
and it's NOT YOURS to figure out.
Please let go.
Read Laura Munson's article --(I bet I already suggested this)
"Those Aren't Fighting Words"....
she let go.
He returned.
You have to start taking our advice or at least acknowlege you are not taking it
so you don't think it's DB that not working. It's you lacking the focus and discipline to follow through...
This DB stuff CAN work. But you have to do it. Re-read the 37 rules I posted to you about DBing.
Re-read the posts you find helpful....but please stop the pursuit! You are repeating yourself and your actions...it's not working so why keep doing it?
Cheeseless tunnels...find another route...trust what we are telling you.
Have you hired a DB coach?
Back off and GAL and change YOU so he can someday believe that marriage to you
can be different. He does NOT want the old M....
have you changed at all? What have you owned in this?
Yes you say you didn't treat him as well as you should but that's an easy answer.
As I've said before...you have to dig deep and be brave. (I dislike repeating myself, just so you know... )
Enough of blaming him and involving others.
That's easy to do, but never helps. Own your part, change, show him BY ACTIONS
that it could be better.
He could have his best friend and lover,
also be the woman who is the mother of this children.
BACK OFF...read the posts you already have b/c you already have the answers.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
) 