my heart is breaking

[kermitdfrog]

It continues to be an difficult weekend.

Last night I spoke briefly to my husband on the phone. (he called in response to a text I sent with a question) It hurts so much to talk to him, but I try really hard to sound upbeat. I usually succeed. But it makes me miss him more. Then my son got home while I was in tears and I ended up talking to him and he was really supportive. But although he and my daughter are adults, they shouldn't have to deal with any of this. It makes me even madder at my H, because he could stop all of this pain. My kids are grieving the loss of what we ALL thought was a happy family life.

I had a horrible nights sleep, but today a (divorced) neighbor, who is my age and went through a divorce years ago, called me and asked me to go to dinner tonight. So that will be helpful. She is a Christian and feels that my husband is not following the word of God. He is being very self centered. She, also, was divorced against her will. So she understands. But I am so tired of my life being all about this drama! I want my life back! I feel like I am in a holding pattern, Everyone says I should get on with my life. But how can I do that, really? I am still living in the house where our lives took place. It is torture. I can't go out with single people and meet men- I am still married. I really think the DB principle I am struggling the most with is detaching. I am trying to figure out how to let go, without really letting go. Does that make any sense? How to I get him out of my mind while I love him so much? I am also incredibly attracted to him. He had a new professional picture taken that is on his linkedin page. It hurts so much to see it. He is a beautiful man. I was so lucky for 27 years. He is a gorgeous, sweet, kind man. I took advantage of his love. I didn't appreciate him. Now that I realize it, it's too late. Maybe I deserve this.

Anyway, as always, thanks for letting me vent. I am rereading the DB and DR books to try to muddle through this. I am also scheduling an appt with my DB coach. I've got to find a way to stop this pain. It's killing me. I understand now the meaning of "dying from a broken heart"

[AloneAt35]

Kermit,

I'm just here to offer my support again. I KNOW the pain you are in. I truly understand. I don't have the answers, I don't know how to make it better, I just want to tell you that you aren't alone.

I hope things go well when you speak to your DB coach, I hope you feel empowered by it.

I know how much you love and adore your H. There is nothing more painful than unreturned love. Losing a spouse through death is easier because death isn't intentional.

I'll pray for you and your marriage. I hope it helps.

[kermitdfrog]

My husband's mom is in the hospital, and I texted him to see if he wanted me to come to the hospital to be with him (he was in the ER with her by himself all day. The rest of his siblings live out of town) He said at first "I'm fine" but later texted "feel free. She probably would like to see you" I texted "Would you like me to? Would it help you feel better?" (probably wrong, but I just wanted to feel like he wanted me there) and he texted "I am on autopilot. I will leave here soon and go back to my mom's and get some work done" (the whole workaholic thing) So I told him I wouldn't, then, but to tell his mom I was thinking about her. And that I was wanting to give him support. He responded "Thanks for the support. I will keep you posted"

I am just so sick of this. I should be with him. These are the kinds of things he and I supported each other through for the last three decades. Now he is at the hospital alone. And doesn't seem to even need me. He told me he has a bad feeling that his mom may be dying. (she is 90) So, why am I no comfort? Maybe I am just in denial. I still can't believe
he wants me out of his life. As my friend says, that is like telling the sun not to shine. I AM his wife. I don't know how to be anything else.

I am still having a crappy weekend. And I feel really angry. Usually sadness dominates, but today I am mad. My life is a mess and our kids are sad and our world is upside down, and he doesn't seem to be the least bit bothered.

The thing that I wonder is, can DB work if your spouse seems to really be doing better without you? He is getting more work, and does seem more relaxed. How can I ever make him want to be with me if he is perfectly content without me?

A few weeks ago, after I got the papers and I backslid (arguing, etc) I said "What if we start all over...go slow and date again, get to know each other and fall in love again" and he said "I don't want to date you. I don't want to fall in love again." and I asked "What is the difference between starting over with me, or starting new with someone else?" and he said "Because I have already experienced you" Ouch. Now, he seemed cranky, probably because I was arguing, but it still was hurtful.

I guess I am feeling really hopeless today. I am emotionally exhausted. I hurt so bad. I still love him with everything in me. But I am SO ANGRY at him for doing this to his family. How selfish can a person be.

Can anyone see any hope in my situation? Does it seem that he is completely determined to D, or is there still a chance? I am so hurt and confused.

(I have a call in to get a session with my DB coach. I realize I have been all over the place this weekend and not focused) But any response would be appreciated.

[25yearsmlc]

I don't have time to reply to you really


but you are stuck and you are making the sitch worse


Follow the rules that I gave you...what else can I say?

you have to actually DO THE WORK to get results...

I'm sorry you are in pain

you should have gone to see MIL for YOU and for HER


but you made it about your need to see h

instead of about seeing someone with whom you were close

who may need you


but instead all you saw was an opportunity to manipulate imo


and it really was an opportunity to DB...don't repeat the mistakes please


at least make different ones!

seriously, look AGAIN AND AGAIN at those rules


your life will get better but you have to do the work

what work means sometimes

is discipline


and that's what you are lacking
b/c you do that which you KNOW you shouldn't...


and then you wonder why you get poor results...

come on


you CAN do this

you DO have choice


exercise choice...it's called free will

[hoswald]

kermitdfrog--

I'm going through this with my W as well--she says she "looks forward to the day when she never has to get an email from me again"--and on my end I still define myself as "her husband" in so many ways.

But I can't keep doing that when she doesn't want me to. And neither can you. Because a) it's not fair to us to do that, because it demeans our own identities as powerful, amazing, wonderful people, and b) it REDUCES our chances of getting our spouses back--because if anyone is going to attract them back, it's going to be powerful, amazing, wonderful people.

So be that. Be YOU. It's hard (REALLY hard--I'm going through this myself and I still have days where I wallow in lonely misery) but possible. Whether or not your H comes back to you, this is what you have to be to survive.

[kermitdfrog]

hoswald, I know what you mean about being ourselves. It is so hard when I have been my H's wife for 28 years. I have loved being a wife and mother, and although I know there are other great qualities about me, I really feel like H and I are connected in a way that I cannot imagine separating. It's hard to imagine me without him. Like the Bible says, we are one. And I really feel that way. That's why I feel literally sick if I picture him loving someone else. And, your wife seems like she has her own issues. You sound like a great guy, and someday maybe she will realize that.

25,
I continue to appreciate your advice and wisdom. You seriously should consider switching careers! (just kidding) But you really do have amazing insight. I take in every word. I just mess up a lot. But I keep trying!


The kids and I went to see my MIL at the hospital last night. She is doing ok for her age, but will almost definitely be going into a nursing home after her release. I swear, all my husband talks about is all the meetings he has had to cancel and he seems eager to get rid of her. Just how he does everything. If there is stress or pain, you just "get rid" of the source. Like he is doing with me.

In all fairness, his mother has always been a very difficult and cranky woman. My husband has never been close to her and she has hurt him (and me) over the years. But she is his mom and I think he needs to be more sensitive.

Actually, our marriage counselor had been starting to explore my husband's childhood as a source of his present day behavior. His family made it difficult to communicate in painful times, so my husband put up walls and shuts off feelings when he is in pain. Like he is doing now. But I digress...

Anyway, D24 just called and said she called her dad and told him she and S21 want to go to dinner with him to talk. (she described it to me as an intervention of sorts. To try to change his mind about the divorce. But she didn't say it that way to him) She said she wanted it to be a day where he had no stress and would be willing to be open minded about what they had to say. He assured her that he will. She also asked him to take me out to dinner or lunch this week just to enjoy each other and he said he would if his mom is ok. I don't know what made her do that, as he has taken me out before, but we'll see. Then he called me to give me an update on his mom and told me about the phone call with D. He asked about the kids and I told him S21 seems to be struggling. I didn't give him details (S seems extremely angry right now. It worries me and both kids have an appt with the counselor next week) but he said "I wish he would talk to me about it" and I said "Well, you make it hard. You don't listen. You are stuck in your ways and don't consider what others have to say." I caught myself, and then changed topics and tried to be upbeat. It just seems that when the topic is emotional, I tend to have a foot-in-mouth moment. But it didn't seem to be a big deal. The rest of the call was upbeat complete with a few laughs, and an offer from me to help with his mom in any way I can.

I am just really uneasy about this dinner with the kids. I really am not sure it's wise. And it terrifies me. I have kind of had a break from everything, since I am in the middle of the 30 days till I have to "answer" his petition for divorce. That won't be done till the first week of July. Then things will begin (I am contesting)

So I have been allowed to not think much about his feelings, and it allows me to hope that maybe he is softening. But the kids will get an answer out of him, and I am quite sure it will be one I don't like. He has never allowed others to make decisions for him. Stubborn man. And I worry it will actually push him further away.

Should I stop it? My daughter is leaving the beginning of July for 10 weeks for a Physical therapy clinical (2000 miles away) so if it is going to be done, it would need to be now. And neither kid has seen him in at least a few months. So I know he would like to see them. But it really terrifies me. I have a DB appt two days from now. I will ask what she thinks, as well.

In the meantime, I am trying to stay upbeat in our talks, although honestly, I have been wondering if it would be best to go dark. We have had a lot of contact lately (his mom, etc) and for example, I didn't get an ILY on the phone. He just seems to appreciate me more when we haven't had contact. But who knows.

Thoughts?

[kermitdfrog]

Well, my husband came last weekend and took me out to dinner. We had a really nice time, as usual, and he even suggested taking a walk when he took me back home. We did, and it was so nice. We did that a lot in the past. When it was time for him to leave, we hugged and kissed, and I asked if he really needed to go right then, and he kind of got defensive and said "yes, I want to go" I really think he thought I was going to seduce him again and he had gotten himself prepared for it. But I just said "ok" and let him go. Later he called to give me an update on his mom, and said "I had a really good time tonight" so I felt good about that.

The kids had their intervention the other night. They said it went the best it could have possibly gone. They even typed up a proposal stating what they would like him to do. (put the divorce on hold, continue to stay at his mom's for the time being so that he can focus on work, but try to have positive time with me, and them, in hopes of eventual reconciliation) They gave all kinds of benefits to this, etc. They did this because he writes a ton of proposals for clients, so they looked at it as speaking his language. They said he seemed to like it. They both also gave him a heartfelt talk about how this has affected them. D said it was a tearjerker when S talked, and he really is struggling and needs his dad. D said he seemed touched. They said they wanted to hear his feelings, and he mostly said what he has been saying. That he felt controlled and didn't feel like a man in the marriage. And that he is following his gut. D said "Couldn't your gut be wrong?" and he said "Yes, I guess it could" She also said that he said he loved me. He did not want to sign their proposal right then, but took it with him. He assured them that it didn't mean the answer is no. They felt fairly good about the night.

So I was feeling halfway hopeful and then he called to discuss some of the papers he needed for the D. Talk about bursting my bubble. But I still am choosing to hope and continue my DB efforts.

One of the things I hate is that several family members of his are in town for a wedding reception for his nephew (who was our ringbearer in our wedding) and I am not going. I was invited but don't feel comfortable since I am no longer really his "wife" plus the nephew's mom is my H's cheerleader regarding the divorce so I am not wanting to be around her. So I offered to sit with his mom at the hospital (she is not doing well, so is not able to be at the reception) and he seemed to appreciate that. But I am just feeling so left out. These people have been family to me for almost 30 years. How can my H just suddenly be without me? The other issue is that we need to have our financial papers in on Tuesday and he hasn't given me the ones from him. If his mom hadn't taken a turn for the worse, I assume we would have gotten together some time this weekend to do that. But I don't want to bring it up since his mom is really ill right now and possibly near death. And he is dealing with that and his job and so much stress. All the more reason to put this stupid divorce on hold. But I don't quite know how to handle it. God works in mysterious ways, and it would be great if he would decide to delay the divorce because of all of this. But if he doesn't. we still have the deadline for the papers. Do I bring it up or will he feel bugged? But if he doesn't remember on his own and we miss the deadline (which includes my answer) I am in default. Don't want that. So what should I do? Any ideas?

[25yearsmlc]

you are choosing not to go to the wedding. Don't blame him for not being invited, you were.

More later...but as for the kids speaking their minds, good for them. They gave it a shot and didn't want to look back on this and wonder if they could have made a difference. I think it's good for them that they did it, regardless of outcome.

Realistically no one will say exactly the right thing to get him to change his mind.

My h was, simply put, irrational about Alaska. No two ways about it. Instead of saying it was damn cold there (we're talking -40'F) he'd say it was "brisk & fresh"...he "felt alive there"

never mind his turning 50 was approaching and mortality loomed ahead.

He said there was a "gold rush" (I swear he actually said this and he's an MD and double board certified so he's not an idiot)


and I was "being negative" when I pointed out the downsides, like almost zero work for me,

NOT liking the dark in the winter, needing anti-depressants for every day life in the winter for LIFE!! etc

Friends and family tried, as did I and I'm a L and I argue well. ALL of our mc's (we saw 3-4) said h was "acting like a single man"

and "not considering his family's desires" and the chaplain said he was "being selfish"...

NO Change...he really felt he'd prove us all wrong and we'd come around once we all got there.

He eventually went there, alone.This was after he got another credential (un-needed except to the "heroes" he worshipped in Alaska).

That meant that he took a 90% pay cut for a year and lived 300 miles north, only to then go farther north to Alaska, the ONE state I was not willing to live in again.


I said I'd move ANYWHERE ELSE including overseas but could not handle the winters there again...

so off he went, for the 2nd year away from home...

a few months later he began calling often, then daily, sometimes more than daily. Started out friendly and discussing what was happeing with the kids and my job search and performances (I do some comedy/acting as an avocation)

and we stayed on happy neutral topics.


He began to ask when I'd visit.

For his 50th, I decided to surprise him by going up there to celebrate. I discussed it with my mc and b/c it was solely MY choice, mc was supportive. IOW, I wasn't being pressured specifically and it was a loving gesture on my end.

He cried when I got there and we had a really good weekend.


I figured that if he really wanted to reconcile, I'd see what happened. Fast forward,

d18 graduated from HS and d11 and I joined him the following year for ONE YEAR

with the proviso that we'd ALL leave if either of us didn't want to stay.

I DID ask him, "why should I believe you'll leave for me, when you were willing to live here alone in the first place?"

TO which he said what I needed to hear (ie he missed us terribly and it sucked without us and etc etc

So we get there and guess what? The job the "heroes" gave him DID SUCK and

was a Ponzi scheme with a dishonest Chief of Staff. THey had given me a great job in terms of pay and responsibilities, but it was easy for me to leave given the stress of their 'fly by the seat of their pants' approach.


I never said "I told you so". I did not want to. I kept my mouth shut b/c there was NO NEED

to say it. (There rarely is a healthy "need" to say it.)

He knew he'd made a huge mistake that had cost us a fortune.

We both knew...and I felt sorry for him. He gambled so much but lucky for us

he had not lost his family.

When the time came to declare our intention to leave and confront the heroes,
my MIL got diagnosed with terminal cancer so we exitted without having to confront.

Which was fine. So we came home to a warm house in a sunny place.

And began really piecing.


MY point in sharing this story is to show you two things

1) your timeline must be slowed down in terms of your expectations. Frankly, whether the Div gets finalized or not only makes some difference....

If your h wants to reconcile, I doubt the finality of the divorce will stop him.


2) he may need to do this, as my h had to discover for himself that

neither a place nor a job, are going to give a man happiness.


Release your h to his "mission" and let him find out that the grass is greenest where it gets water.

AND start to GAL

so he knows that you might NOT be there when he finds out...

b/c he has to believe you're a good catch and that he may lose you


OR he'll have no reason to stop cake eating.

My h was lonely b/c he was there and we were here. I DID NOT go with him

for a year and only under MY/D13's terms.


You have to let him go b/c he's not yours now anyhow,

and you have to let him figure out what the costs of his choices are.

Warning or threatening consequences always backfires. Don't do that.


He has to discover what you and I already know. You can't teach him this.

Stop the manipulations. You Not going to see MIL when he first asked, wondering about the words the kids use in their talk, not going to the wedding and then feeling bad about it, etc are all about

YOU trying to control the results and the situation.

Maybe, just maybe, there's some truth to his feelings about being controlled in the marriage


So How are you showing him that marriage to you from this day forward

would be any different than before?

THAT QUESTION HAS BEEN ASKED OF YOU BEFORE.


SADLY, IT'S NOT GETTING THE ATTENTION IT DESERVES....


Give that some thought and dig deep. It's worth it.

[♪CS♪]

25, I just have to ask.

Was your H a big fan of the show 'Northern Exposure?'

You know, a Dr moving to Alaska and all.

BTW. Loved that show.

[2stepboogie]

Kermit,

Saw your post on my thread and I'm just caught up. Unfurtanetely I left my laptop charger at home and I'm out of battery so I'm typing on my phone.

It looks like 25 and others are giving you some good advice but I have made a note to go back and post on your thread when I get home Sunday night.

The things I would like to share I will like to do on a computer and not on an iPhone.

The pain is very real and very raw and I'm so very sorry you have ended up here but glad at the same time, no place better.

Shock...........It will fade and eventually go away but it will take time you have been with your husband almost 3 times longer than I was with my X and sometimes I still feel the shock. No quick fixes here and no easy roads but it is worth every step, that I promise.

I'll be back Sunday and promise to post some thoughts I have on this.

BE SOUND