you are choosing not to go to the wedding. Don't blame him for not being invited, you were.
More later...but as for the kids speaking their minds, good for them. They gave it a shot and didn't want to look back on this and wonder if they could have made a difference. I think it's good for them that they did it, regardless of outcome.
Realistically no one will say exactly the right thing to get him to change his mind.
My h was, simply put, irrational about Alaska. No two ways about it. Instead of saying it was damn cold there (we're talking -40'F) he'd say it was "brisk & fresh"...he "felt alive there"
never mind his turning 50 was approaching and mortality loomed ahead.
He said there was a "gold rush" (I swear he actually said this and he's an MD and double board certified so he's not an idiot)
and I was "being negative" when I pointed out the downsides, like almost zero work for me,
NOT liking the dark in the winter, needing anti-depressants for every day life in the winter for LIFE!! etc
Friends and family tried, as did I and I'm a L and I argue well. ALL of our mc's (we saw 3-4) said h was "acting like a single man"
and "not considering his family's desires" and the chaplain said he was "being selfish"...
NO Change...he really felt he'd prove us all wrong and we'd come around once we all got there.
He eventually went there, alone.This was after he got another credential (un-needed except to the "heroes" he worshipped in Alaska).
That meant that he took a 90% pay cut for a year and lived 300 miles north, only to then go farther north to Alaska, the ONE state I was not willing to live in again.
I said I'd move ANYWHERE ELSE including overseas but could not handle the winters there again...
so off he went, for the 2nd year away from home...
a few months later he began calling often, then daily, sometimes more than daily. Started out friendly and discussing what was happeing with the kids and my job search and performances (I do some comedy/acting as an avocation)
and we stayed on happy neutral topics.
He began to ask when I'd visit.
For his 50th, I decided to surprise him by going up there to celebrate. I discussed it with my mc and b/c it was solely MY choice, mc was supportive. IOW, I wasn't being pressured specifically and it was a loving gesture on my end.
He cried when I got there and we had a really good weekend.
I figured that if he really wanted to reconcile, I'd see what happened. Fast forward,
d18 graduated from HS and d11 and I joined him the following year for ONE YEAR
with the proviso that we'd ALL leave if either of us didn't want to stay.
I DID ask him, "why should I believe you'll leave for me, when you were willing to live here alone in the first place?"
TO which he said what I needed to hear (ie he missed us terribly and it sucked without us and etc etc
So we get there and guess what? The job the "heroes" gave him DID SUCK and
was a Ponzi scheme with a dishonest Chief of Staff. THey had given me a great job in terms of pay and responsibilities, but it was easy for me to leave given the stress of their 'fly by the seat of their pants' approach.
I never said "I told you so". I did not want to. I kept my mouth shut b/c there was NO NEED
to say it. (There rarely is a healthy "need" to say it.)
He knew he'd made a huge mistake that had cost us a fortune.
We both knew...and I felt sorry for him. He gambled so much but lucky for us
he had not lost his family.
When the time came to declare our intention to leave and confront the heroes, my MIL got diagnosed with terminal cancer so we exitted without having to confront.
Which was fine. So we came home to a warm house in a sunny place.
And began really piecing.
MY point in sharing this story is to show you two things
1) your timeline must be slowed down in terms of your expectations. Frankly, whether the Div gets finalized or not only makes some difference....
If your h wants to reconcile, I doubt the finality of the divorce will stop him.
2) he may need to do this, as my h had to discover for himself that
neither a place nor a job, are going to give a man happiness.
Release your h to his "mission" and let him find out that the grass is greenest where it gets water.
AND start to GAL
so he knows that you might NOT be there when he finds out...
b/c he has to believe you're a good catch and that he may lose you
OR he'll have no reason to stop cake eating.
My h was lonely b/c he was there and we were here. I DID NOT go with him
for a year and only under MY/D13's terms.
You have to let him go b/c he's not yours now anyhow,
and you have to let him figure out what the costs of his choices are.
Warning or threatening consequences always backfires. Don't do that.
He has to discover what you and I already know. You can't teach him this.
Stop the manipulations. You Not going to see MIL when he first asked, wondering about the words the kids use in their talk, not going to the wedding and then feeling bad about it, etc are all about
YOU trying to control the results and the situation.
Maybe, just maybe, there's some truth to his feelings about being controlled in the marriage
So How are you showing him that marriage to you from this day forward
would be any different than before?
THAT QUESTION HAS BEEN ASKED OF YOU BEFORE.
SADLY, IT'S NOT GETTING THE ATTENTION IT DESERVES....
Give that some thought and dig deep. It's worth it.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
