worst night of my entire life. H said we had to get a divorce b/c we can't keep living like this. He still can't say with 100% certainty that its completely over, b/c according to him he just doesn't know. So b/c he doesn't know, we must get divorced. We talked about some stuff (or shall I say cried through some stuff). I asked why things were going so great only a few months back - he said that was him 'trying'. Apparently he didn't think it was as good as I thought. He admitted it was good but not 'amazing'. So now I know - he's looking for amazing. He just keeps shaking his head saying he's just so unhappy - and he says he doesn't even know if its b/c of me. He admits he's not happy with anything in his life right now. But he doesn't think he's depressed. I cannot believe we are about to throw away 12 years without even really knowing why. I am completely stunned and utterly baffled. Of course I totally broke down during the conversation - I dont care what the books say, there is no way I'd ever be able to control myself during a conversation that heavy - and I'm just talking about tears/sobbing - i didn't yell or argue or beg - although i was shocked at how defensive he has become about stuff. My heart is physically aching right now, and I just wish I could just sleep for 5 days and wake up feeling better. I can't even take a sleeping pill tonight to knock myself out b/c my 23 month old had a nasty fall this morning and I have to wake him up every 3-4 hours to make sure he doesn't have a concussion. Just another reminder that I am completely on my own - I will never have my H - my children's father - supporting me on anything. He will always be there for the kids, but he will never be there for ME again.
Honestly, do people still hold out any hope in situations like this? If so, how the heck do you do it? How can you believe anything will ever be good again when your spouse tells you that your marriage is completely over and that don't think they are in love with you anymore... I know I know - believe none of what they say, but I've been physically separated for over 8 months now, and I'm starting to feel like a complete fool for ever believing there was any hope.
Clearly the last few days have been my darkest. It doesn't help that my posts take days to appear, and nobody ever comments on them b/c I dont think anyone ever sees them. I have never felt more alone.
