Yah I got a lot of work to do. Habits to break and changes to make. I'm still trying to figure out exactly how I detach myself from her. Trying to find enough things to keep from texting her and such. It's a big challenge really
took my forklift test passed with 100%. had no doubts about it anyways. hopefully something comes up real quick. The guy that gave the test to me says should be a couple of jobs coming up next week.
Congrats on passing your test! You didn't sweat it b/c you were self-confident in your knowledge and skills, right? Hopefully, you will begin to have that confidence in your personal relationships, especially your M.
Please understand that I wasn't trying to make you feel badly about apologizing to your W. I'm not saying you were wrong to do that. I was trying to explain that that doesn't fix the problem with a WAW.
So, start from that point and don't feel that you have to continue apologizing for something you've already said you were sorry about. Does that make sense? And, if she ever tries to bring up something you did wrong, remind her you've already apologized and you can't go back and change the past.
Have you read any material on codependency? I believe you can obtain quite a bit of free information on line. When I read about your R with W, it reminds me of a person who is a caregiver. In a MR or a parent-child R, it can easily happen if one of the persons is ill.
I can identify with a little of that. My child has a chronic disease and I felt that I had to be the responsible adult to make sure she did everything her doctor said. When she grew up and left home.....it was difficult to not "remind" her that she had to take care of herself, yada, yada. Bottom like was that it was her turn to be the responsible adult with her disease.
I experienced something kind of like a void, b/c so much of "me" was linked or centered around her health. It almost becomes second nature.
I wonder if you may be feeling something like that. You've had to be the responsible adult in the MR. When she lost her parents, you had to be her strength and emotionally nurse her through that bad time. You have had a lot put on your shoulders. Now, it's hard to lay the burden down b/c you still feel responsible for her.
As I told you before, I don't pretend to know very much about BP. I know of some cases where it was bad. So I'm not telling you to turn your back on her, okay? But there are some things you can handle a bit differently.
I believe she will go back to you, but you've got to kind of stay in the background and remain calm. Be the strong, silent type! You probably know her better than anyone else, so you'll see signs if it's time to step in and get her emergency medical help. It seems her brother isn't paying much attention to anything but his problems. Do you know if his new roommates are male or female....or both?
I hope you will read things that are inspiring. Watch movies that are comical....not sad. I know one lady who chose to watch nothing but Disney until her stress let up.
We can't help others when we are down for the count ourselves. I think you are very sensitive to other's feelings. When others hurt, you give a part of yourself trying to be there for them. Am I right or wrong?
You have a lot on your plate. I suggest that you make a daily goal of just taking what that day offers, and if it is too much stressful emotional stuff that is going to totally drain you, then purposely choose to not deal with it that day. Some things we can't ignore, but some things we can choose to not take on as a burden that day. I think you realized that when your friend sent that text.
I don't want another person reading this post think I'm telling people to run away from responsibilities, b/c that isn't what I mean. This is just for you, while you get adjusted to a new job, a new living arrangement, and being there for your parents.
Got to stop this long post!
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Oh yah I know what I'm doing when it comes to a forklift!
It took me a little bit to actually come to terms with what you were saying but I got it now
I understand what your saying. I feel in my apology I covered the the things I know that I did wrong and there is no reason to go backtracking on what has already been said.
Actually I haven't ever really thought about codependency. You are right though when I read that it was absolutely something I could identify with!
Since she left I have felt like something is missing. I'm doing a lot better as far as being by myself in the apartment but I do often times find myself worrying if she is okay. I gave so much to my wife and keeping her going that now that she's not here I don't really know what to do. Maybe part of that is because during the time we was together I focused more on her than on myself and gave up a lot of things to help her.
When I first met my wife she was a habitual cutter,horrid self esteem and to say she was shy would be an understatement. Since we've been together she has come out of her shell a lot and hasn't cut in about 2 yeas now. Her self esteem is still pretty bad but she is a little more confident in herself. I've watched her grow and have been her rock more or less in every obstacle she has faced. I've always been able to keep her just close enough that when she starts to fall I can catch her. It hurts me to think of her potentially failing or backsliding into her old habits.
I guess your right though. It makes sense that I need to stop nurturing her and just let her go and thrive on her own. Just be here to catch her if she starts to fall. Same time she needs to fall a little just to see if she can catch herself. She doesn't know anymore what life is like without me. That may actually be something she needs to experience to grow a little bit more as a person. It's easy to say and doing is a different thing but it is something I need to let her do and step back as hard as it is. Maybe that's why the LRT has been a hard concept for me to understand?
The new roommates are a bf and gf couple. her brother works with the guy and the girlfriend doesn't work she just cleans the house. They haven't moved in yet though her brother wants to make sure the landlord will let them stay.
Since she left I've been mainly watching shows I like...comedies and thrillers. I love thrillers!
You are right about that. I am very sensitive to other people's feelings. Usually when people come to me with their problems I'm very sympathetic and almost feel the pain their feeling. I think over the years I have lost a lot of what was me and what was me I don't know how to get back.
Anytime I say something you don't know how to think or not sure what I'm talking about, please tell me.
Thank you for sharing that information about your W. She has a lot of emotional stuff to carry around. I know you worry a lot. Loving her as you do, it makes it hard not to be concerned if she's taking care. I think she'll turn to you b/c you are the one she has relied upon for so long.
My little town rolls up its sidewalk after sunset, so not much action to fall back GAL. (lol) However, our three page newspaper announces various things going on each week. You might start looking in your local paper. What type of things did you like before M? Sports, music, shows, hobbies, games, maybe get back into some of that. If you have one friend to pal around with you, that would help a lot, however, I do understand how a shortage of friends happen.
I hope you can begin to have a life that will bring happiness. You sound like a wonderful, caring person.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
In some ways I figure eventually she's going to turn to me but the hard part is not going to her really. It's something to work on. Like as I sit here right now I'm desperately trying to talk myself out of sending her a text. There's absolutely nothing I actually need though that I can't do for myself right now.
Before I got married I liked to....hmmm. that's really a tough one. I liked to play the guitar. I used to be in a band back home and we were pretty good. However I sold my guitar quite some ago so that's not much use at the moment lol
Hmm I could go to the museum tomorrow. I used to love going there but my wife wasn't too much into artwork.
Just try to remember that when you pursue her, even if just a quick TM, it is as if you are pushing her away from you. If she gets enough of those pushes, she won't return. However, if she begins to miss you b/c she hasn't heard from you......she's more likely to search you out.
It's good that you are thinking of something to do this weekend. That's a start! Maybe you could check some pawn shops to get a guitar and brush up on the strings again. My H loves to look around pawn shops, go to garage sales, etc. It's a way to click off a few hours.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
So my wife sent me a text this morning asking if she could use my car in a couple of hours to run some errands. I took my time answering. I seen her text but purposely waited about 20 minutes to respond. Went outside took a walk around the complex. Walked my dogs. Came back in and sent her a short text saying I suppose. What time is (brother's name) bringing you over? she said can you come get me in a little bit he's at work. I just said I guess but I got a few things to do first. So she then offered to buy me lunch for doing so. So if nothing else I got a free lunch coming my way today
Glad I did my walking early though it's raining now and my dogs have decided it's a good day to sleep in. I could probably sleep more myself. Takes me a long while to fall asleep but lately when I do I don't want to get up. An old therapist I used to see a few years ago I remember told me that's how I deal with depression. Sleep a lot more. So I'm purposely trying to not sleep as much
The cat is mad at me. I went into the closet yesterday and apparently she had followed me in and I didn't know it and shut the door. For about 3 hours or so I didn't have a cat pawing at me wanting attention I figured she was off napping somewhere. Went in the bedroom shut off the lights and was well on my way to sleep and I kept hearing the closet door trying to be pushed over. I thought wtf? I'm too old to believe in a monster in the closet. Ignored it and tried to go back to sleep and it got more persistent. Finally rolled out of bed and went to the closet and out she ran. Looked at me gave me a death look and meowed at me a few times and took off. Got up this morning and she has yet to come over to be pet. Guess she'll be more careful next she's following me around!
You probably know her better than anyone else, so you'll see signs if it's time to step in and get her emergency medical help. It seems her brother isn't paying much attention to anything but 