I am the devil....

[tadpole1025]

Thanks MHL and Eric. It has been a long time since I posted so I will give a little update and respond to your posts.

Tad, what is detachment to YOU? What does letting go mean to YOU?

I'm not exactly sure. Maybe not worrying so much about her and not wondering what she is doing. Letting her be her while I be me? Not initiating any contact.....I'm trying. 25 years with someone is a long time. She was my best friend.

Define better.

I'm not as sad. I don't think about her every waking moment. Sure do miss her though. I try to look toward the future and for the first time I am seeing it without her in it. Not really sure if I like it. God, she is beautiful.

I suspect that you really mean is that you are now beginning to understand the level at which she is in her own world. This Tad, is about HER. As for your “now doesn’t even care if I’m alive” comment….you do not know what she feels so how can you make this statement. She too is probably in pain. So much so that it is sooo much easier for her to blame you and everyone else.

Yes, I am beginning to understand it. As for her pain, why does everyone say that? I don't believe she is. If she is, she sure does hide it well.

Stop worrying about what she MIGHT…MAY….COULD BE….POSSIBILY be thinking or feeling right now. Tad, focus on YOU man. I believe someone posted earlier to you about telling us what you are doing for YOU…I never saw answer…so what are you doing for Tad?

What hobbies do you have?
What are your plans for the 4th?
What foods do you like?

What makes you happy Tad?

Right now buddy it is all about getting a job man. I've been out of work since March. Hobbies - I like to paint, garden and bowl. Plans - they finally made fireworks legal in Arizona so the boys and I are going to get some and set them off and maybe have a barbecue. Foods - Love chinese and mexican. The spicier the better. Happiness - still looking man. I do enjoy my boys a lot.

It takes time for your soul to be convinced that this pain will fade.

Yeah, it has taken longer than I thought it would. It is just so hard to believe that a year ago this month we were planning to renew our vows in August.

It might be a good time to stop a minute Tad and look back over your shoulder......

What do you see???

Think about the days when this first began.....

I bet those "bad days and nights" were more intense and closer together.....

Oh yeah. I was thinking about this the other night. I've come a long way. I know this. The pain is bad, but nothing like it was October-February. Thank God.

Fear is driving you right now, you can't see it but it is there.

Your fear of being happy without your W is ever present.

Yep. Scared sh!tless.

The best chance of healing your M is.......

Finding a way to be HAPPY WITHOUT YOUR WIFE.

Make sense????

Actually? Not really. Maybe it will with time.

Now the update:

W had her surgery. Everything is fine.

We didn't speak for almost two weeks. I actually didn't mind because talking to her just hurts. Not as bad as it used to though.

I am out of a job. I am broke. No income and no income from W. I have applied for foodstamps. They needed birth certificates. I sent W a text asking for them. She got hateful and refused to give them to me. I knew this would happen. Said they were hers and would not even let me borrow them for a few days. Said that it says on them that they are her property. They don't. Texting went back and forth for about an hour. Finally, I told her that I would just have my attorney (I don't have one) contact her. She accused me of threatening her and being controlling. A few minutes later, she threatened me. Whatever. She said that "you are certainly not my friend. I have no desire to be your friend." She also told S18 that she would give him his but: "I am not giving them to your father." Why does she think that I am so evil? A few hours later, she called and talked to S16 then asked to talk to me. She was nice as pie and said that she would bring them over when she picked up S16 today. She did.

She was at my house for about thirty minutes. This is after she said that she would never set foot in here again. She sat on my couch and we made small talk. I caught her looking at me deeply once. I just smiled. She turned away. I didn't ask ANY questions. She did all the asking this time. Why? I have no idea. Asked about my job hunt, a couple of questions about my blood pressure, the yard and stuff like that. To be honest, it was probably the most pleasant interaction we've had in a long time. It still wasn't how I want it to be, but it was nice for a change. I think a lot of it was because of how I acted. I am usually stupid and say something sarcastic or something that will piss her off. Not this time.

After she left we had a brief text exchange:

M: You looked nice today.

W: Thank you. I am starting to feel a little better since my surgery. Now I have to get my blood built back up and my thyroid fixed.

M: Well, I am glad you are doing better. It is good that you are getting things taken care of.

I have been talking to a female friend that really has an interest in me. I don't have one in her. However, she has a friend and a mother that have both gone through this in their 40's. Her mom was 46 and her friend was 43. My W is 44. She has given me a lot of great advice and insight.

The divorce is still moving forward. I got a "mediation conference" notice in the mail and it is scheduled for August 10th.

In Arizona, whenever there is a dispute over custody, both parents have to attend a parenting class. I attended mine last week.

I wish I could put a stop to this, but it is all in her hands. I've basically got 6 or 7 weeks for God to throw me a miracle.

That is basically all there is to report for now.

Thanks for everything.

Tad