My Final Chapter

[25yearsmlc]

God knows this thread is going to close soon...

I also think most of SBH's admonitions are dangerous for newcomers and angry betrayed spouses. Still wanting to punish under the guise of "teaching the WAS a lesson" is counter to DBing.


2stp, you said
I think most of us come here in the hopes of saving our M and or R and while some are able to do so sadly I believe a large number of people are not. There are two kinds of people that walk away from this whole experience. Those that become angry and resentful because they did not reach their desired "goal" and those that throughout the process realize that the true goal is to find themselves grow and learn their role in the whole thing so that they NEVER repeat it.

Changing yourself is perhaps one of the most difficult things you will ever do and while I don't believe you need to overhaul who you are you do need to become more aware.

2step, This ^^^ rings so true for me. I was asleep in my m before the crisis hit. Now, I AM AWAKE...

Denver,

you wrote
"I have learned in my 7 months here that there is A LOT of gray.

I've also learned that acting out of anger, hurt or desperation is the wrong thing to do.

We all come here, not out of fear, but out of love for our Spouses. It is here and through our work here... that we learn how to love under the most difficult of circumstances.[/b]

And TRUST ME... all of this that I talk about has been as difficult for me, and on me, as it has been for anybody else.[b] I have struggled and wanted to lash out at my W too... I've wanted to quit...

But I know at the end of the day, I will feel better about myself knowing that I left no stone unturned in trying to be a better man... and to save my M."


and this is ^^^ pretty much why I told my MC what I told him. I said I did not want to quit and he asked about whether that was fear of dating or being alone and I said "no. I have no fear of that and in fact, it's an upside if we divorce"...

But morally I wanted to try and not to be a martyr...on the contrary.

I knew myself well enough to know, that

if I feel I lived a moral life, it will make ME HAPPIER knowing that.

I want to be able to look myself in the mirror when I'm 80 y/o and KNOW I did my true, bravest best to save the m.

I'd rather stick around a bit too long, than leave a bit too early.
I don't want my false pride or ego or anger to be a factor

There's a fine line, sometimes a shifting line, between self respect and pride and we ALL have to find it.

The only way to know this is with a brutal utter inner honesty, and that's a tough thing for most of us.

For me, it was the first time in years that I had to really dig deep and face some things I did NOT like in me.

I sometimes found myself rationalizing angry action by calling it something like SBH would, "consequences" and "why should I protect/enable?" etc...

and I struggled with that so much. I rationalize so well!

Dangerously well. But like I said,

now, I AM AWAKE and my awareness of my life

and all my relationships has, on the whole, been a huge blessing.

I feel more connected to the people in my life and LESS involved with unsupportive or unheatlhy people.

It's great to weed that out and have the best of the best in my life.

Yes, now I am awake.

Love this stuff and hate it all at the same time.