Talk...I am sorry this happened to you. As a man with anger and emotional problems, it will take some time for Herb to be able to change his behavior (if that is what he truly wants to do). Based on what you wrote (and there are ALWAYS 2 sides to every story), he came home looking for a fight/blow off some steam. That is on him. You keep doing what YOU need to do to keep yourself happy. Your trust issues are real and you have every right to have them. You are a good person and deserves happiness, peace, and love.
Herb...I don't know what happened or why, but please let me give you some advice. I was a hot head and was always right. Whenever I got mad at ANYTHING, my wife was the one to get the brunt of it. Do you know what this does to them? It tears away the love they have for you each time you do it. I did it so much, when my wife told me she was leaving, she had really checked out about a year earlier. I was told yesterday that she is already interested in someone else (and the ink is barely dry on our divorce). I tell you this because it is obvious that your wife STILL LOVES YOU. You can save your marriage. I guarentee you, everyone on this site would give their almost anything to be in the situation that you are in. To have their spouse care so much about them that instead of just leaving, they are fighting for the marriage to work. CAN YOU SEE THAT??? I just want to grab you and shake you so you can wake up and see what you have and what you are about to lose.
NO MORE REACTING OR BEING DEFENSIVE. If your wife questions you about something, you stop, take a breath, think about the answer, and CALMLY answer her. She isn't asking it to piss you off or to make you angry. She's asking it because she needs/wants to know something. Your answers help alleviate her fears/worries. The WAY you answer (tone/civility) helps her know you are trying and will make her fall deeper in love with you. Try this from now on...Whenever your wife (or anyone for that matter) says something to you and it iritates you are you are angry, don't answer for at least 60 seconds (or longer if that is what you need). Gather yourself, calm yourself. Think about what you want to convey to them. After you do all of that, THEN answer. You will be amazed how much easier it is to not react or be so defensive if you just take the time to think.
This is for both of you...It is going to take a LONG time for both of you to get back to a place where you are absolutely secure in your relationship. I think the book says for every bad year, it takes a month of doing everything right to make up for it. My Ex said it takes longer then that, but she didn't give me a chance. There WILL be setbacks. There WILL be some backsliding. That is OK. Just make sure you CALMY talk things out. Take the time to apologize if you did or said something you shouldn't have. Tell each other you love the other.
I really want to see you both work out. I want you both to be happy. Happy with yourself and your spouse.
