WAW, Filing as Fast as Possible

[aeolianchaos]

Just thoughts..

I ended up telling W that I was not willing to hang on to the cat for longer than absolutely necessary. I didn't say anything about the fact that she chose to divorce me or anything, just "no I am not willing to continue watching the cat until mid july."


She went from mid sept, to mid-july, to july 1st, to early saturday morning in a matter of hours. It seems like she just wanted to do it when it was 'convenient' for her, and didn't give a lick of consideration to the fact that I was doing her a huge favor in taking care of her pet.

I felt a lot of discomfort w/ doing that - not just because it furthers the disconnection between us, but because it does make her life more difficult. It is just not something I enjoy doing to other people. At the same time - she has had no qualms about completely destabilizing my whole existence and has not once apologized for any of it, so should I really be doing her any favors at this point? Probably not - probably psychologically unhealthy for me.

I don't like that its gotten to this point, but to continue along that path is to continue the idea that she is entitled to all of my help and support, and should never have to consider me in return. Entitlement seems to be the word of the day regarding W - parents apparently both thought she acted quite entitled the past couple of years, and in reflecting, I think that sense of entitlement began to infect me in certain ways as well.

I have started to get this feeling that I am on a journey - that I am going to grow and evolve and learn and find myself in a much happier and more solid place than I've ever been in before. I don't know the specifics of the journey, but I know its going to be one that takes me into a place of much deeper fulfillment and a much more meaningful interaction with the world around me. Do I wish that W wanted to go on this journey with me? Absolutely I do. But I have to accept that I can't 'shanghai' her into going on it and that she is going to follow the path she is choosing to follow, and to be the person she is choosing to be. It is a shame, because I can see all the possibilities that are out there while it seems like she only sees two false choices:
"Stay and Be Miserable" or "Leave and have a blank slate"

Either one is fraught with false notions - the 2nd seems more insidious to me because it ignores that one does not just 'start fresh' after a D.

Planning to attend a meditation class this weekend - I think that will be very good, and help me along my path.