WAW, Filing as Fast as Possible

[aeolianchaos]

Oh - one other thing.

W apparently found a place but can't move in until Sept. Asked me if I will keep watching her cat until then.

My first inclination is to say no. I have been watching this cat a lot the past 3 years and W has never said 'thank you' or anything to acknowledge that I have been doing it. Watching the cat puts a limitation on my freedom - I need to be responsible for making sure she gets fed and arranging to have her looked after if i go out of town for more than a few days - and means I have to take care of all the unpleasant aspects of having a cat (litter, random acts of catness) While I like the cat, she is clearly my W's cat. I feel like W is just further taking advantage of me in doing this, and I really feel no desire to continue to allow this.

[aeolianchaos]

Got back to W this morning - I thought it would be best to sleep on it before I responded.

Ended up saying No to keeping the cat for the summer. It is a big inconvenience for me, and she has never expressed any appreciation of the times that I have watched _her_ cat. She is always very eager to talk about _her_ cat and how _she_ did this or that. Never seems to acknowledge that other people were involved. It just isn't worth it to me to deal w/ the hassle.

Going to have to write a big check to the L soon for a retainer. L says that given the limited amount of assets, if I spend over 2K on this, there is something really wrong with the picture. Not looking forward to that, but grateful that I don't have children under these circumstances. Apparently things get a lot more complicated when there are children in the mix.

Meditating is getting better - I was enjoying it so much when I thought that I was the big problem, and that it was just about me getting over my burnout/anxiety/depression issues that would improve our relationship immensely. It's clear to me now, that while those problems were real, and were profoundly impacting things, they really didn't begin to deal w/ some of the bigger issues that I was not even recognizing.

It seems like day by day I'm getting better w/ all of this, and finding myself more at a point of knowing that I will be far happier in the future than I have been in the past. Its the now that gets a little sticky. Confronting myself has meant confronting issues and erroneous thoughts that I've had long before I ever met W, and the R and subsequent M did not really 'resolve' those issues so much as cover them up.

It would be good to get a dbmod bump, or something.. while the journaling is cathartic, the insights of others would be much appreciated.

[aeolianchaos]

Just journaling a little bit more.

Had a fantastic yoga class tonight - I am really glad I'm doing it .. I am being put into positions I didn't realize my body could get into, and its really wonderful. my mind is probably 85-90% focused when I'm in there. That is such a difference from the usual way things are during the day. I really like the pace of the class and the teacher is just phenomenal. It is also good to be around new people and recognize that if things don't work out, there are lots of other people in the world who would be very happy to get to know me and might even appreciate me for who I am.

Got almost everything checked off my list for today in terms of to-do's. Guess that means its time to add more to the list. I really feel better when I've got a good amount going on. Just wish that most of it didn't cost money - its forcing me to confront that demon more than I'd prefer to right now. Oh well - I will get through it and be better off for it.

When i responded to W e-mail this morning, I told her that she didn't need to apologize for calling me, and that she didn't have to limit her communication with me for my sake. In a way I mean this - I think communication is the essence of what makes a relationship work. But at the same time - going dark - possibly even LRT has been healthy for me, and I am finding myself getting more and more detached from this situation. I know I'm not completely detached but I can definitely feel that i am reacting less intensely to things.

W responded telling me "well I am glad that you are ok with communicating" - my first instinct is to take this as sarcasm, but then I recognize that she tends to run away from people when she thinks they are mad at her, so maybe she is sincere. I don't know - maybe its not important that I do know.

She ended her e-mail w/ "Hope you are well, W". I imagine this is just more of the 'well we can still be friends" things, but I don't know. Again - maybe I shouldn't give it too much thought.

[Talkartoon]

Hi, I just caught up on your thread. I can't give you any advice, but you remind me of both me and my H in many ways.

This forum really helps so much, even if it's only by getting your thoughts out there, and out of your head.

Are you sure you don't want to remain cat-sitter for a while, if only to keep a link with your W?

Have a good night, Talk

[aeolianchaos]

Are you sure you don't want to remain cat-sitter for a while, if only to keep a link with your W?

Thanks for reading it, Talk!

I feel like the motivation that would have me remain cat-sitter is the same motivation that my W already has taken tremendous advantage of. She knows that I love her and believe that D will not solve any of our problems, and in ways I feel like she keeps putting stuff out there to control me, implying that there is hope so I shouldn't do X, Y, or Z.

MWD talks about this a little bit - the idea that in a relationship dynamic things can get out of balance if one person is always giving and the other one is always taking.

I can definitely see that in my M - I have been the one giving emotional support to my W when she felt overwhelmed, yet I never asked for it in return. Even when I was going to therapy intensely and not staying @ home, she was the one calling ME to talk her down from whatever crisis she felt like she was having. I don't say that with sarcasm at all - she would literally call me up in tears and having serious anxiety about things and I would listen and try to help her see that whatever the situation was, it was something she could handle and that her 'worst-case scenario' interpretation was just one of many possible perspectives.

I'd be dishonest if I said that I didn't feel like I have been really taken for granted and taken advantage of by W over the course of things. Esp. over the past year and a half, it seems like the worse I felt, the more happy she was to take what I did do for granted - of course I played into that because when she talked about what I had given up, I didn't want to recognize how much pain I truly was in and how overwhelmed I felt by the way it felt like my life was going. I was clearly in a state of denial about that. At the time, it felt like to acknowledge that would be to find fault w/ our R and w/ her in some way, and of course to acknowledge that perhaps the career I've been pursuing was looking less and less viable.

Perhaps I too took her for granted at times - I'm sure I did when I was so wrapped up in myself and my own aspirations - and for that I am truly sorry. We had a plan, and that plan had good intentions, but you know what they say about those..

[aeolianchaos]

I've got a quandary. W is asking me to watch her cat for another month or so until its convenient for her to take it to her folk's place.

I don't want to. The cat is p!ss!ng on the kitchen rug every other day now, and I'm sick of cleaning that up.

My feeling is, W is choosing to end her marriage because, in her words 'I feel this is whats best for me'. She doesn't take me or my feelings into consideration, so why should I continue to take care of her cat and let her lead her successful life while I'm picking up chit (literally)?

I am inclined to write this in response:

"
No, I'm not ok with taking care of Cat until then.

She is peeing on the kitchen rug every few days and I do not think its worthwhile for me to have to deal with this. As you have said many times, she is 'your cat'. Not 'our cat'. Since you are choosing to end our marriage because you 'think its best for you', I have no reason to continue to take care of your cat for you.

You will need to find a person or place to take Cat until you can go to your parents."

Any thoughts? I am not trying to be manipulating, I'm just tired of feeling played and taken advantage of.

[aeolianchaos]

Just thoughts..

I ended up telling W that I was not willing to hang on to the cat for longer than absolutely necessary. I didn't say anything about the fact that she chose to divorce me or anything, just "no I am not willing to continue watching the cat until mid july."


She went from mid sept, to mid-july, to july 1st, to early saturday morning in a matter of hours. It seems like she just wanted to do it when it was 'convenient' for her, and didn't give a lick of consideration to the fact that I was doing her a huge favor in taking care of her pet.

I felt a lot of discomfort w/ doing that - not just because it furthers the disconnection between us, but because it does make her life more difficult. It is just not something I enjoy doing to other people. At the same time - she has had no qualms about completely destabilizing my whole existence and has not once apologized for any of it, so should I really be doing her any favors at this point? Probably not - probably psychologically unhealthy for me.

I don't like that its gotten to this point, but to continue along that path is to continue the idea that she is entitled to all of my help and support, and should never have to consider me in return. Entitlement seems to be the word of the day regarding W - parents apparently both thought she acted quite entitled the past couple of years, and in reflecting, I think that sense of entitlement began to infect me in certain ways as well.

I have started to get this feeling that I am on a journey - that I am going to grow and evolve and learn and find myself in a much happier and more solid place than I've ever been in before. I don't know the specifics of the journey, but I know its going to be one that takes me into a place of much deeper fulfillment and a much more meaningful interaction with the world around me. Do I wish that W wanted to go on this journey with me? Absolutely I do. But I have to accept that I can't 'shanghai' her into going on it and that she is going to follow the path she is choosing to follow, and to be the person she is choosing to be. It is a shame, because I can see all the possibilities that are out there while it seems like she only sees two false choices:
"Stay and Be Miserable" or "Leave and have a blank slate"

Either one is fraught with false notions - the 2nd seems more insidious to me because it ignores that one does not just 'start fresh' after a D.

Planning to attend a meditation class this weekend - I think that will be very good, and help me along my path.

[aeolianchaos]

I wonder if these posts are actually showing up in a queue somewhere or if they are just disappearing like so much thought into the ether?

Anyways, its Friday afternoon and I've been doing my best to keep occupied. Have a freelance gig I've been occupying myself with - I figure the sooner I can complete it, the sooner I can take on another one!

Honestly, there are points along this way where I am quite bored, as I don't have W to talk to and I don't really have many friends around here. Because we moved around so much, we relied on each other for friendship, many times. Making friends outside of institutions has never been something I'm strong at - I'm happy being around people w/o necessarily needing to talk w/ them. I'm more of a "5 Close friends" than "500 of my closest friends" type of person, I guess.

I find myself making assumptions about W is thinking or feels - a big no-no, I'm sure, but our contact is quite limited. Beyond issues relating to her cat or the D process, she has made no efforts to get in touch with me. I am doing the same, although sometimes I wonder if I should not be - typically we both called each other a lot just to check in, and when I was out of town earlier this year, she called me daily - almost always her calling me. I'm not sure what I should be doing with that. She knows she can call me if she wants to communicate - I'm not giving her the 'silent treatment - but I am doing my best to detach from her and her dramas so that I can most effectively manage my own.

Hopefully someday the last 5 or 6 posts I've put up will get cleared and then I'll be barraged with wisdom, insight, and a couple good 2x4's.

[aeolianchaos]

W left about 20 minutes ago w/ cat to drive her to her parent's place. Basically no real information was exchanged, although she did thank me for watching the cat for all this time. I tried to stay out of her way and focused on writing in my journal. Let her talk.

I was up at 5:30 this morning, for me that is unheard of. I made sure the place was tidy and I looked pretty good when she showed up. I am working through this whole appearance issue - I have typically not put a lot of thought into my appearance

Last night we ended up in a conversation on the phone for almost 20 minutes. Longest conversation we've had since she said she wanted a divorce. I didn't bring up R, but she did - we ended up talking about a bunch of things:

- she feels like we are enemies (because I am not willing to watch her cat any longer). I told her that I do not consider her an enemy and don't wish her ill.

-I was firm w/ her that while we are not enemies, we are not going to be 'friends' following all this. I did not tell her this, but she has not once apologized sincerely for what she did, and I would not want to be friends with someone who deceived me, insulted me, cheated on me, and then tore my heart apart. And never tried to make any of it right. Originally I think I viewed this as 'consequences' of her decision, but more and more I think of it as what is probably best for me - I don't see a 'friendship' with her that would not feel like I was being a doormat and certainly the pain of seeing her with other partners would be more than I really want to expose myself to.

-She feels like she abandoned me. I told her that she abandoned the marriage.

-She now says "I care about you but I don't love you" and "I just don't want to be married to you." I told her she is entitled to her feelings and certainly has a right to choose who she is married to. Left it at that - my feeling is she made that choice when it was 'convenient' for her and then when things got tough, bailed.


Now she is headed off to her parents place and most likely I will be reframed as being a jerk, punitive, or a loser who she is better off without. Assumptions, I know..

Better get something going on for myself today or I'm going to waste it stewing in thoughts and worries.

[aeolianchaos]

Oh.. something I forgot.

She did say "I'm truly sorry for screwing things up so bad.." last night. I don't know how to acknowledge that - so many times her apologies seem geared to get her something, so I don't know if I should tell her "I accept your apology" or "I don't know what specifically you are apologizing for" or "I appreciate your apology - can you be more specific about what you are referring to?"

Because its so general - I don't know if she is sincere or not. Does it matter?