H got home last night, and things did not go well.
Before he got home, I was feeling a little iffy about H's time away - his participation on the forum was minimal, his emails to me were all during the day, and I was wondering what he was doing at night. In my head, things were starting to spiral.
When he got home, I was reading up on the history of Tampa. He came home and I asked him a question about why he flew through a certain city on the way back. Instead of just answering me, he reverted back to "being accused" and started to take us apart.
He asked, if I was feeling the way I was feeling, then why was I reading about Tampa. I asked him if I should NOT be, and he said no, I shouldn't. Everything is black and white for him. There is no "working on things", or not for long. His tone was so defensive, he threw everything away again.
He doesn't appear to be able to deal with me not trusting him. He reassured me once the other night, and that was nice, it really was.
It hurts so bad that he isn't into this, unless I pretend to be fine. I'm not. I didn't dream up not trusting him. He gave me a ton of reasons why I shouldn't.
I wish we didn't have a home-coming like that. I know he was tired from travelling, but I could have asked him anything and he was ready to be defensive. He said he knew something was going to happen before he got in the house because the lights were on, and I was up. What??? How does that tell him anything? He was primed. Unless I completely acted last night, something was going to happen - him getting defensive.
But I can't act anymore. It only keeps us in an artificial state. I just want to know the truth, and if it's that he just doesn't have the patience to deal with my trust issues, I will move on. I don't want to force him to do anything, including being married to me for the wrong reasons.
He said the other night that "it will take time" to sooth me. And he was right. It wasn't hard to do. He was nice, he was understanding, and it was all I needed to hear. And I probably would need to hear those few soothing words a few hundred times, over a not-so-long period of time to ultimately feel safe with him. But it's obviously too much for him to do.
This just hurts so much more now. I feel like I was an open book for the last couple of weeks in so many ways. It did scare me and my gut was saying that I was being naive. The fact that he went away right before I felt that way didn't help. If he had been more involved while he was away, I might not have spiraled. But really, I would rather have the truth, whatever it is, and if he's not into it, I would like that to be seared into my brain, so I get it, and not open myself up to him, like I've been doing.
I think I need to take a step back from opening my heart too wide for now.
He only seems to want to work on things when I'm about to walk. When I'm all in, he is cold, defensive, and mean.
I can't go back and forth like this. I am getting the feeling that his heart is not involved with this, but mine is, and it can't take the back and forth.
