Monday afternoon I got a call from S12 saying he had been arguing with D14 (well she is 14 next week), who had shouted at him that it was his fault that mum and dad split up. This upset me somewhat, so I had a long talk with them when I got home (they both said they had said it to each other).
Took the kids shopping Monday night and then to Starbucks. Tuesday we went bowling again, and had a fab time with my brother's family, including air hockey and pool. When at Starbucks and Bowling D14 tagged us all into fb. Whilst these GAL activities are for me and the kids, it's good that W can see we are getting on with things and enjoying ourselves.
Its our 12th wedding anniversary a week Sunday, but I am not going to mention anything to W. I have purchased a basic card, not wrote anything in it and it will stay in the draw. Usually for Valentines Day and on our anniversary I send roses, chocolates and a card with a balloon to W (at work or at home) but not planning on anything this year.
I have received only 1 text from W (about collecting S12 jeans) in the last week and a half, so no physical or communication signs, however W seems to be acting like the LBS, and MF's have said she is acting like she is the one who has been dumped as W:
Is not eating properly and lost a lot of weight Is drinking more than she ever did Is not calling MIL like she used to Is not opening up to friends Is moody with the kids Is arguing, shouting and swearing at the kids Is not feeding the kids properly and can not be bothered to cook Is not doing things with the kids, and seems to just stay at home, watch TV and drink wine, plus the kids just stay in their rooms when at W's Has not talked about D Has not contacted a solicitor/lawyer (as far as I am aware) Potential OM disappeared after 1 week and just going out for drinks, so fantasy of problem free new life somewhat changed
Don't know if these things mean anything, but they are actions (I have no words to go by), but then again her actions are no contact to me (she communicates through the kids) and she has moved out!
I am not reading to much into above as out of my control, detachment is improving by the day. After the conversation with the kids on Monday I was about to just give up as I was concerned over kids and annoyed with the sit and how they felt, but will just carry on getting on with my life, and if W wants back in she will have to show a lot to do so, the path remains clear and smooth though.
Me - 37 W - 38 D - 14 S - 12 Together - 16 Married - 12 Bomb - April 13, 2011 W moved out - May 13, 2011
The man I became is changing back to the man I was........... and more
GAL: Many of W's actions are similar to mine, and may indicate depression. Has she ever been diagnosed with depression? It adds a very serious roadblock to moving forward in my case.
H 51, W 46 no kids T 22 years M 17 years ILBNILWY 2/10 1st D talk 6/10 partial recovery W files D 5/11 long distance separation 8/11 moving forward on D 10/11 legal separation complete 1/2012
GAL, as someone who grew up with an alcoholic parent who used to call me similar names as your W to D14, get the kids out of that sitch! Most people have no idea how damaging that is to a kid.
Not sure how to go about it, based on what hard evidence. Will talk to friends mum who works in social services
Originally Posted By: LearningPatience
It's good that you are not disparaging their mom to them, but don't mistake that for putting up with her behaviour. The kids might not know how to set appropriate boundaries for her, so you'll have to do it.
I'm so glad you are being the rock for them during this hard time! Hang in there!
Thanks LP, told the kids that I was trying to be the stable rock for them during this time, to give them a sense of "normality", not going to sugar coat it, ITS HARD!
Originally Posted By: any chance?
GAL: Many of W's actions are similar to mine, and may indicate depression. Has she ever been diagnosed with depression? It adds a very serious roadblock to moving forward in my case.
Hi ac, no, never been diagnosed with depression, and I dont think there is/was any in her immediate family
Me - 37 W - 38 D - 14 S - 12 Together - 16 Married - 12 Bomb - April 13, 2011 W moved out - May 13, 2011
The man I became is changing back to the man I was........... and more
MIL called this morning and spoke to D14 to say her and FIL will come around on Sat to drop of D14 birthday card, which is on Tuesday.
Strange really that they are not taking it around to W's at the weekend or on her birthday!
Think they want to come and have a cup of tea and see how I am, which is nice, as we do get on well.
Been in bed most of the day with a cold (Man Flu LOL) so feeling down. Thought this am that yes I am in a dark phase, W doesn't even text or call to see how I am, after 16 years together!!!!
(Think its just having a cold and being down)
Me - 37 W - 38 D - 14 S - 12 Together - 16 Married - 12 Bomb - April 13, 2011 W moved out - May 13, 2011
The man I became is changing back to the man I was........... and more
GAL, my ILs and I also get along great. We're very close. I've been able to tell them when I'm down and when things are going well. I don't know how close you are with MIL, so I'd probably stick with the upbeat GAL you. I probably wouldn't get into a long talk about getting W back, maybe mention it in passing if MIL brings it up.
I say this because I found out (it should have been crystal clear before this) that MIL and W *will* talk. Even if their R is strained, W is still MILs daughter. If you keep things positive and upbeat on your end, all MIL can say to your W is that you are doing well.
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
GAL, my ILs and I also get along great. We're very close. I've been able to tell them when I'm down and when things are going well. I don't know how close you are with MIL, so I'd probably stick with the upbeat GAL you. I probably wouldn't get into a long talk about getting W back, maybe mention it in passing if MIL brings it up.
I say this because I found out (it should have been crystal clear before this) that MIL and W *will* talk. Even if their R is strained, W is still MILs daughter. If you keep things positive and upbeat on your end, all MIL can say to your W is that you are doing well.
Thanks LP, just what I was thinking
That's 1 thing I have learnt from these boards, take onboard the advise
Me - 37 W - 38 D - 14 S - 12 Together - 16 Married - 12 Bomb - April 13, 2011 W moved out - May 13, 2011
The man I became is changing back to the man I was........... and more
Il's have been around and just had a chat really, they wanted to see how I was.
Commented that I looked well, and discussed the GAL activities I have been doing with the kids, which they already knew about bowling. I said about the games night with pizza and other things we now do as well.
Discussed washing and ironing so they can see I am managing very well, and the house was spotless.
Not too much talk about W, MIL said she is very sad and that W is 39 so they feel they shouldn't have to try and tell W things. MIL again said that W hardly calls her now, when W used to call at least once a day. MIL said they do not think W is happy, but know what she is like and trys to show the opposite. I didn't say anything about getting back together or what W or I need to do. I did say however that if W lets her pride and stubborness dictate her happiness and what she wants out of life then that is up to her, we can not help her, W needs to figure things out for herself, she is on her own journey.
Had a long chat with D14 last night as she found my dr book, so I explained what it was about and what I am trying to do. D14 was really pleased and told me some new stuff about W. D 14 said W has been getting up at different times late in the night (2,3,4 oclock in the morning) and either watching TV or having a cigerette. D14 also said she had found W crying a couple of times at about 5am. This makes me sad as this is the first she has shown any emotion to anyone. I want to try and reach out, but know I shouldn't.
W called me yesterday lunchtime, but I didn't answer. I sent her a text this morning just saying that I missed her call, been busy, hope she was well and catch up tomorrow (when W drops kids off)
Me - 37 W - 38 D - 14 S - 12 Together - 16 Married - 12 Bomb - April 13, 2011 W moved out - May 13, 2011
The man I became is changing back to the man I was........... and more
