My Final Chapter

[Denver_2010]

Boundaries Denver. It's about what is or is not acceptable behavior.

It's about respect for yourself.

Hmmm... I don't pretend to be in a position to define what is or what isn't acceptable behavior for another human being... whether they are married, separated, or divorced.

Do you honestly believe that your W appreciates that you define what is and what isn't acceptable behavior for her?

I am familiar with Coach and some of the other vets who advocate the hard line approach to A's. Very familiar. I struggled for a while trying to choose what approach to adopt ... which approach was best for my sitch.

Ultimately, I chose to reject the hard line approach. BUT, I've also learned, as Faith stated in his reply to you, that there is a time and a place to use boundaries.

I am also familiar with your sitch SBH. I kept up with it when you used to update.

Yes, I know your W had an EA. And that you do not believe that it was ever a PA.

I saw Sandi pound you day after day for being self centered ... for being impatient with your W bc she would not ML... and for not understanding your W's emotional state.

Do you believe that your hard line approach caused your W to end that EA... I will assume that you do bc you advocate it.

If so... she probably felt that she HAD to end that EA. That she had no choice. How do you think that made her feel as a human being SBH? Not as your W, but as a human being with the right of free will?

Do you think that she does NOT think about her OM today if she was forced to end that EA?

If she felt forced to end it... my guess is that she thinks about him... or at least did for quite some time.

Do you feel good about the fact that you forced your W to stay in her M and drop her EA? Do you wonder if it's what SHE really wanted?

The problem under this possible scenerio is that she didn't end it of her own free will... after she had had an opportunity to deal with whatever life issue that she was dealing with.

If she DID end freely and without influence from you, your values, or your definition of acceptable behavior...

Then your hardline approach or views really have no bearing on anything at all... because they had no effect on your own W's actions.

See... our WAS's have to choose their own path. We cannot force them to do anything at all. We CAN choose how WE respond to the path that they choose.

Forgiveness? What would any relationship in life be without it?

Punishment and/or consequences? Where does that get us? Divorced? ... um, yes...

And if we, the LBS, choose to punish our S who has chosen what we believe is unacceptable behavior by leaving them, walking away, divorcing, exposing or whatever... what have we done??

WE have broken our OWN M vows! We have made the choice that it is too hard to forgive or to accept that our S has made a mistake... a poor choice. That it is too hard to stick with our M through a very 'bad' time.

Do 2 wrongs make a right SBH?

Do we do ourselves disfavor by choosing to play tit for tat on M vows with our WAS's?

I think so.

I view my W as close, if not closer, to me than any family member that I have... she is the person that I CHOSE to spend the rest of my life with ... through good times AND bad... through sickness AND health...

I choose unconditional love for my W... despite her faults, despite her poor choices, despite the times when she chooses a path for her own life AS A HUMAN BEING trying to find her way through this life... a path that I may not agree with.

In the end... I think that I will be able to look myself in the mirror and have more self respect for MY choices to do this than I ever would doing otherwise.

And if my W and I reconcile our M... She will know that I stood by her, remained committed... that I loved her .. through a hell that we BOTH created.