To me, dating is part of being active. If an opportunity turns up, I'm not going to turn it down.
The Match girl in December. Yes. I did feel guilty. I was still married. I was very conflicted. I also didn't see anything in her other than a good time. I couldn't see myself EVER introducing her to the girls as daddy's GF. That in the end is why I let that go. Why waste time and money on someone when there's no future?
Now, Church_31? I would introduce her to the girls. In fact, they've already met her, although they don't know that I like her.
I'm waiting there not because of me, but because of her. I haven't gotten any indication she wants to be anything more than friends and she just came out of a failed engagement. I'm waiting for some sign on which way to proceed.
My worry is the opposite of what you are saying. I worry if I don't actively get out there and look I'll just melt into a life of work, working out, kids ... For me, it'd be easy to do that. I have four jobs, the kids 45 percent of the time and basketball/softball/tennis/swimming to play.
It's actually harder for me to get back out there. I hate rejection. I hate the chase. I hate the feeling of being back in high school. That's part of the reason I clung on the marriage so hard. It was safer to be unhappily married than to be happily single. For me, getting back out there is a SIGNIFICANT hurdle.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
I think the key here is to be emotionally D before dating, which could happen before or after legal D. That is, one shouldn't date to try to become emotionally D, but wait until after that point. Using someone to try to become emotionally D is a truly horrible way to treat another person. And, it invariably backfires on the person doing it.
Wii does not sound emotionally D, not anywhere close. Indeed, probably farther from it than a year ago by all indications. (Which, perhaps, is a good thing. Any kind of movement is often better than remaining stuck, but enough about that.)
CTH is sounding closer to being emotionally D (though not there yet perhaps.) His reaction to XW's plans to put up a profile seems more of a spectator/curious/detached reaction than stalker/bitter/how-could-she-do-this-to-me reaction.
I was emotionally D, DONE with shouting uppercase letters before my D was final. Others aren't DONE until long after. Some are never DONE.
Don't date if not DONE.
This I can tell you. When you are DONE, you know it with great clarity.
My worry is the opposite of what you are saying. I worry if I don't actively get out there and look I'll just melt into a life of work, working out, kids ... For me, it'd be easy to do that. I have four jobs, the kids 45 percent of the time and basketball/softball/tennis/swimming to play.
Ah, so you're going to date out of fear? That was my point, when we're afraid of something we feel we must jump right out there and do battle. Date because you're ready to date, not because you're afraid not to. That's a lot of pressure to put on yourself so soon after the big D. But, that said, you have to do what you feel is best for you!
CTH, YES! Life is about moving forward, but I think that doesn't necessarily mean dating. You sound busy, busy and moving forward with things for yourself and your kids. What's wrong with just spending some time working, playing, and breathing. Figuring out what comes next. I'm reading a book "Calling in the One" and hoping to do enough work on myself that I can be the person I would want to date. Does that make sense? If an opportunity arises and someone comes into my life, I'd be happy to go on a date. But, I'm not sure I'm where I need to be emotionally and spiritually to have that person come into my life. Are you? Yikes!! You don't want to be happily single? In my opinion, you MUST get there first and be okay with being alone before attempting to date. Your validation and love must come from YOU not from someone else. Then you'll be in the position to not repeat the same old patterns and attract the same type of person who was not a match for you last time. There's plenty of time and you're young....believe me, you will have no problem attracting women of all ages when you are ready. But, you want to attract 'quality' women, so spend this time on YOU!
Me 55 H 49 Married 21 years No kids bomb 5/09 filed 7/09 divorced and moving forward 5/10
"If an opportunity arises and someone comes into my life, I'd be happy to go on a date. But, I'm not sure I'm where I need to be emotionally and spiritually to have that person come into my life. Are you?"
The first question is the key. If the opportunity arises, I'd be happy to go on a date. Yes. Yes. Yes.
What's the opposite, if the opportunity arises and someone comes into my life, should I just tell her I'll call you in six months when the manual says I'm ready?
Everyone's concerns are noted. I'm ready for whatever is next in my life.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
I have actually done that exact thing. I was not in a healthy place emotionally and feeling kind of anxious, unstable, and vulnerable. NOT a good place to be in when dating (I think). I told the guy I was recently divorced and spending some time learning what I needed to do to be an amazing partner in my next relationship.
Me 55 H 49 Married 21 years No kids bomb 5/09 filed 7/09 divorced and moving forward 5/10
But hey, CTH - if you honestly think you are D.O.N.E. - then go for it! So long as you are ready to date clear-eyed, without getting overly attached just to salve your wounded ego - there can be something very healing about realizing there are other people out there who can float your boat.
