Moving here from Newcomers

[Queen_of_Swords]

In a bad mental hole today.

You know that song? Should I stay or should I go? That's me today.

I don't know whether saving my relationship with H is even possible or even if I want to anymore.
Seems futile and that I'm just prolonging the agony.
I don't know if I can stand for the few tatters of my M that remain.
I'm about out of patience, drive, and persistance.
I'm not getting any younger and my kids keep growing.
Is it best just to accept I'm going to be doing it all alone and stop hoping and believing in the possibility of R?

I'm beginning to think my initial instinct for self preservation was the right one. Pretend he doesn't exist and we never had a past because we darn well don't have a present and don't appear to have any future.

I am not sure I can continue to DB anymore, I'm not sure I CAN'T continue either. What's the alternative? I don't see one.


I want to phone my counselor, but what would I say? Nothing's really changed. I'm still alone, still exhausted, still raising kids, still looking for work, still doing the best I can.

I have tried to keep track of what things fill my cup and a few things do, unfortunately so far I've noticed the ones that help me feel cared for best take money to do.

I am not unhappy in the main but I'm rarely happy either. I'm still too close to the edge of tears too often.