Piecing my marriage back together again.

[Denver_2010]

Okay... you two need to get a room!

Denver

[Talkartoon]

He has one - but he's in another province.

He'll be home tonight. I will be out painting a nude model! I hope she has something draped over her, or I might be embarrassed for a minute.

[HerbGarden]

My W is upstairs, lying in bed on a Sunday afternoon because she’s depressed and because I think she is repulsed by my presence; her words. I don’t know what to do.

I went upstairs because I thought she was cleaning up, but instead she was in bed. The house is a mess; dog feces and urine on the floor; her clothes are everywhere throughout the house. I tried to control her in the past, when she was at home and I was working, by expecting her to clean-up after herself, so I’m sure that any mention of cleaning shuts her down. I should have been gentle when I went upstairs, but I wasn’t and now the situation is worse.

I thought moving into the apartment was a temporary measure, buying us time to work things out; I was wrong. W said that she doesn’t see moving out as having any positive effect and that as soon as I go, people will begin to talk. I said “don’t tell anyone”, but W’s not up to playing charades. I can’t blame her because that would become very tiring, very quickly.

Our S will suffer greatly, which is something I’m desperate to avoid. He’s worked extremely hard and will graduate from University free of debt. I don’t want to throw him off because I can’t get my act together.

I’m sure my W will chime in, so please read her posts to get her side of the story.

I’m completely lost.

[HerbGarden]

All

Reference my post above.

You'll need to read Talkertoon's thread to get the history and full picture.

[HerbGarden]

All

Please forgive me. In hindsight, I provided too much information in the previous post which has embarrassed Talk (W). She’s not to blame for my actions.

A short time ago, I went upstairs to speak with my W, who was in bed. She was lying down, void of energy because she's been dealing with me, not because she's lazy.

My response to her should have been "I'm sorry for draining your spirit, please forgive me. You stay in bed, relax, have a bath, whatever you want to do. I'm going to the store so I can fix a nice, home cooked meal".

I didn’t say that. I chose the “weak” path. I said things that made me feel good for a minute. After pestering my W for the morning, she finally told me to leave…..so I did. I got in my car, bought a coffee and then drove by the house where my vacant apartment is…I couldn’t stop. I was ashamed and embarrassed.

I’ve hurt my W, again. I’ve misquoted her on a very public forum, which was the one place she felt safe. My W is trying to run a business and doesn’t need the hassle of dealing with good-intentioned customers offering their advice.

W – I am so sorry for being a DICK. There’s no OW. I’m not having an affair of any sort, nor do I intend to in the future. I want us to work…..desperately, but I’m failing because I have no plan to move forward.

Here’s my plan; stay engaged in DB, stay in counseling, read, and research, be patient and respectful; finally, communicate with respect and love.

HG

[MrBond]

HG,

WTF's the matter with you? Do you know how many here would kill for the chance to have their W's open up to them to fix their marriages? Your W comes here and pretty much tells you EXACTLY what she needs and how she can be comforted, yet you crap all over that and then whine about how you messed up.

You've been doing that from day one. What exactly have you changed? Nothing. Zilch. Nada.

"Here’s my plan; stay engaged in DB, stay in counseling, read, and research, be patient and respectful; finally, communicate with respect and love."

NO! This plan is crap. "communicate with respect and love" THAT is what you should do first. Not last. It's no wonder why you've screwed up.

She's gone dude. You've said the same promises here over and over again, and then continue to break them. Each time you do, you're at ground zero. There are so many times you can bomb your W before she takes off and you've more than past that limit.

So you f'd up. Now what is your definite plan of action? Right down a schedule and stop with the expectations.

[25yearsmlc]

HG...what Bond said ^^^^^....

I said in my post to you that maybe you are just a bully.

After all, you manage to hold your tongue at work in the military.

Yet you blast her and criticize her, here and elsewhere...

And you never addressed what I said. You completely ignored my post.

What do you think that looks like?

IMO, You are behaving like a fool...AND a bully.

Make some different choices or lose what you barely still have.

[~ kd ~]

Herb, I'd say now's the time to do the real work.

I concur that having the two of you here, working your lives out in your own threads, was quite amazing.

Unfortunately, it gave both of you an opportunity to snoop on each other. And while I don't know how that worked for your W, I'd like to ask...

How's that working for you?

I mean this with no disrespect whatsoever, but the game is over.

You are being DB'd and your W has gone dark. That's an LRT, if you remember...

My experience of you is you are a man of deep convictions and deep love.

And you've messed up a couple times...

So...

What are you doing for you? What are some of your 180s? How do you intend to be a man that only a fool would leave?

[Denver_2010]

Herb, I'd say now's the time to do the real work.

I concur that having the two of you here, working your lives out in your own threads, was quite amazing.

Unfortunately, it gave both of you an opportunity to snoop on each other. And while I don't know how that worked for your W, I'd like to ask...

How's that working for you?

I mean this with no disrespect whatsoever, but the game is over.

You are being DB'd and your W has gone dark. That's an LRT, if you remember...

My experience of you is you are a man of deep convictions and deep love.

And you've messed up a couple times...

So...

What are you doing for you? What are some of your 180s? How do you intend to be a man that only a fool would leave?

Herb - Bond and 25 are just trying to be real with you and trying to help you. It may seem harsh, but what they are saying is very true.

You have to STOP making excuses and just do it. Take control of YOUR life and stop making these mistakes...

You ARE very lucky that Talk is even considering working on your M... Don't let this opportunity fall away... you very well may regret it.

I can tell you from personal experience, as bad as things may seem now, you will feel much, much worse... even desperate... if Talk gets to the point where she is D-O-N-E and no longer has any desire to work on the M... if she gets to the point where she is moving on without you.

Be careful here man... that's all I am saying. Kaffe is absolutely right... now is the time to really start being an adult and begin working here.

BITS
Denver

[MrBond]

IMHO,
If Talk was open to re-posting it would be great for your sitch. Both of you communicated better here than you did in real life. The reason being that you're actually able to think here before acting rather than just going what comes naturally to you.

My suggestion is this...if at all possible, keep your day to day interactions in person. During those periods when you are about to say something your are going to regret, or think you might, get away from her and right your thoughts down. Read them over, then give them to her without saying a single word. As hard as it is, you need to express yourself in a different way when it comes to personal stuff. Slowly you can wean yourself off the writing and talk to her directly and hopefully by then you'll be able to think before speaking.

I don't know if you've got another chance, but you've got nothing to lose. Especially when you've lost everything.