I am so lost... Please someone help me!

[Johnnieno1]

Journalling...
As per my previous post (not up yet).

Here is the letter I want to send to my W. I can't believe that I am putting it up here first...

I need help pleas...

WIFE

I can't get my mind off this email I showed you yesterday...  I just don't know what to think.  I want to believe you that it is just a spam, or a virus, but my mind is going a million miles a minute.  Can you blame me?  I Have always believed in you and felt I could trust you, I NEVER questioned that, but... After you gave me that letter a month ago, I don't know what to believe anymore.  Here is what I do know...

1. You no longer wear the rings I gave you including your wedding band
2. You go out all the time to bars and out late
3. New clothes that are totally different from what you have traditionally wore
4. Going to the gym all the time.
5. Cell phone that you never put down
6. Secretive texting all the time
7. Closed Facebook and took me off as your husband
8. New perfumes and sexy underwear 

If you are cheating on me, I have the right to know.  I hate this feeling that I can't trust you.  You must have a great feeling of guilt that you are carrying around too.  I know that it is weighing heavy on your heart, and you will have to carry that for the rest of your life.  One day you have to be honest with yourself and own up to what you have done, if you don't, it will eat you up inside.  If my suspicions are correct then all I ask is that you be honest with me.  

I have been giving my all to be a better man, and I like who I am becoming, a much more patient, loving, supportive father.  I am proud of the new me and I don't want to go back to the old me.  I feel like my life is brighter in a way (in part thanks to you) , even though I am losing the MOST important person in my life.  You are that person to me.  I can't bear to take off my wedding ring because that would kill a big piece of my heart.  Truthfully I am in more pain now than with my heart attack.  

For what it is worth even with all the suffering you have put me through since Feb, I forgive you, I hope that one day you can forgive me too.  I know that, that is the big roadblock that is stopping you now is your ability to forgive.  I can promise you that it feels good for your soul to forgive.    I never thought I would have been able to do it, but I can because I love you and I always will.  When you are ready you will need to see a therapist to discover why you can't forgive... Or admit when you are wrong,  it is what is holding you back from truly being open to a meaningful, happy, fulfilling relationship.    

We have shared many happy memories together and some sad ones too.  I know I have been a far from perfect husband for you, but I have learned from my mistakes and am a better man because of them.  If I could go back and undo the things I regret, I would.  I am sorry that I was so reckless with your love, I realize now how fragile it is.  I am not going to take all the blame here either.  There are lots of things that you have to take ownership for too.  

I had a dream the other night, it was of the day I proposed to you in the park.  It was such a beautiful dream, I can still see your face beaming back at me grinning from ear to ear, it was one of the times that I can truly say I could see your soul... It reminded me of how it used to be between us when we were so much in love and it made me very sad, but it also inspired me to do everything I can to rekindle that honest, innocent warm love between us.  Ideally I want to work on our marriage.  Dispute everything, I feel we owe that to ourselves and our 3 angels.  I know you think they will be fine but, I know that our breakup will scar them for life.  They will have difficulty in making their own relationships work, they will only be following the example set by their parents that is when things got tough, it was easier to take the selfish path and call it quits.  That is not the example I want to set for them, and I think in your heart you don't want that either.  I have read a lot about marriage and divorce recently, and everything I have read all confirms my belief that what we are going through can be overcome.  Even if you don't want to put any effort into saving our marriage and family, I will.  Because the end result will be beautiful.  Our new marriage together will eclipse the old one (even in the beginning)  and we will both be very happy because we didn't quit.  

I don't want to lose my best friend...


What should I do?

Should I send it?

Should I send only part of it?

Should I send none of it an just stay the course, even after the email I found yesterday?

Am I being naieve... Or am I just choosing to believe the email was spam because I want to believe in her?...

I am in hell...