While I have been rearranging the house for the first time since this whole thing began and no matter how many times I have read it and no matter how many times it's been said I just now am beginning to understand that I can't change her. I can only change me. Even though I have realized some stuff I had done I still hadn't truly realize the things I did to own up to it.
If she was a little late from work I would ask her what took her so long. If she was going out I'd want to go with her. Sure my intentions were to spend more time with her but that's not the point. When she spent the night at her friends I would worry if she was actually sleeping with another man and quiz her about it the next day through things like "who all was there?" "so it was just you girls?" trying to pose it as innocent questions about her night. I would say I didn't mind her going out but in reality I did. I might as well have handed her divorce papers myself and said here do yourself a favor and get rid of me now.
What do I do now? Do I ask to speak to her so I can apologize? Do I say nothing at all? Do I just let her go? Now I'm not confused as to why she left and potentially seeing someone else I'm confused on how to fix myself. I have clearly been a controlling jealous husband.
I went over there and I did apologize. She didn't really have anything to say to it she just said "mmhmm" and then talked about the divorce. yes talking about the divorce was painful but I fully believe I needed to let her know that.
She doesn't realize I'm willing to fight for this marriage and now I know what I did wrong and I'm not sitting here wallowing in self pity. Am I sad? Yes I am but I understand.
I have been reading your thread and it seems funny how many similarities there are. I too am caring for W's cat and she is going to have to bring more litter over at some point.
I just want to point out that while you should be proud of yourself for looking in and reflecting on the role you played in things, you are absolutely not the only one who played a role. The dynamics of a relationship always have two people and I'm sure your W was playing a role that contributed to the situation continuing the way it did. Perhaps you even 'took turns' playing these roles in your own unique ways?
You talk about being jealous and controlling - I can relate. I didn't recognize the controlling thing at the time, but I do see that it was there. I also see that some of that came about because I felt out of control w/ my own life and what was happening in it, and was trying to do something about the things I did feel in control of. i'm really fond of this quote from Dr. David Schnarch "People who can't control themselves, control other people" I like to think that these behaviors are, for most of us, situational. But your awareness of it gives you a tremendous opportunity to change it and become a better person for it - you can make a conscious effort to change and probably will end up being much better off as a result.
M: 32 W: 29 T: 9 Years M: 4 Years I hit rock bottom: 2/11 PA admitted: 4/11 WAW: 5/11 D filed: 6/11 now: Patience, wisdom, and growth - hopefully.
I went and apologized to my wife today. Not for her. not for her to feel better. I did it for myself. She didn't apologize for anything she did wrong and that's okay too I wasn't looking for an apology. Just apologizing to her was a huge weight off my chest. I actually feel a bit of calmness now. I hope it's a lasting feeling. I still want to fight for our marriage but I feel like accepting my share of the blame is a good thing. It might have been something not in the LRT program but I strongly feel like it was something I needed to do. What gets me though is she text me a little bit ago. Not to talk about the divorce or anything. She just text me to say good nite and not to disappear. I said good nite (her name) I'm not getting hopeful or anything I'm just hoping it's a bit of a peace offering from her. I'll take any kind of little calm in the storm that I can find.
hollowed, it's a good (but small) sign. And owning up for your 'sins' can be a good thing. It shows that you know that the state you're in was a joint effort. Just don't get into the habit of apologizing for the same things over and over. Enjoy your moment of calm!
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
I got another job interview today here shortly. I think after it I'm going to go to the park for a jog and maybe get a haircut. Shaved my beard off this morning as well. gees do I look weird now lol
I didn't sleep very well last night between thinking about some of the things I did wrong in our marriage and then of course my dog was snoring so loudly I finally just kicked him out of the room about 2:30am. That's what I get for not taking any sleeping pills last night.
It's all one day at a time. I am going to do the LRT. I am going to find a life. Even though I really want to be with her I need to start actually working on myself and looking at my own future instead of "our" future. which if I'm lucky it will be with her but either way I got to be prepared.
