OnMyWay: to who knows where?

[OnMyWay]

Simple update:

Had a conversation with WAW last night; kind of interesting. It started off with her being kind of mad, as I have been doing some home improvement around home the day before. Then she informs me of how much she hates not being primary parent again - nothing new here, as we've traveled this road before. She even went so far as to again ask me to leave so she could move home to be a full-time mom. LOL, like that's going to happen.

Then it somehow came around to where we are at. She stated that she's put everything about our R on hold. I asked what her IC says about that and she told me the she feels the same - we're on hold. She doesn't want to come back, but doesn't want to let go either. I did get out of her that she is very angry at me, but I'm not sure she really knows why. However, I'm not sure that is not her just projecting her anger in general and placing the blame for it on me, if that makes sense. It's as if her anger needs to be focused somewhere, and I'm the convenient sucker. Oh well, it doesn't really bother me, as I'm feel pretty good in my own skin. I did finally ask her what she wants to do: work it out or get a D? She said, she wants to get into a time machine and go back to before all this happened. She also said she just wants to get through school - as if nothing can happen until that's over.

Anyhow, she had originally been in a hurry to get out, but ended up staying, talking, then having a glass of wine, until I informed her it was 11:30 pm - two hours had gone by. She had to be up in the morning - she had lost track of time only to rush out the door.

Later, I get this text: "I'm sorry I'm leaving u hanging... it's not fair to u, and I know this... I'm still trying to heal from all the [censored] we've been through... not sure I'm ready for more heart ache... I miss my little girl so much... I miss being her full time mommy. I just don't want that to be my only reason to be back in the same home as u. I hope that makes sense. Not trying to sound harsh."

It make perfect sense and I agree. It is the most sense she's made in a long time.

Poor girl. She's so obviously conflicted that she doesn't know what to do. The solution seems so simple to me, but she just can't see what's starring her in the face. I, of course, cannot show it to her, as she must figure it out on her own. Only question I have is how much longer can my patience hold out. My current options are limited, so I'm not planning to go anywhere, but there's also no guarantee that I'll be around if she figures it out. One thing's for sure, I've already had enough of this to last a lifetime.

On a side note, I read a book called "The Power of Eye Contact" by Michael Ellsberg as I wanted to rebuild my self confidence and learn to connect better with people in my business. It was interesting as I was reading, I remembered how when WAW and I first got together, she was very intimidated to look into my eyes. I have quite a powerful/intense gaze and she avoided it for the longest time. After remembering those times, I figured this could be a 180 experiment for me, as I've realized that much of the power of our connection was established through my ability to gaze at her. Part of the theory of the book is that, done properly, direct eye contact between two people is the most powerful personal connection possible. WAW and I haven't looked into each others eyes in years.

So, last night, I gave it a go and realize she is hiding from me more now that she ever had in the past. If eyes are the windows to the soul, there's something in there she doesn't want me to see. I've been using these techniques with clients and I find they let their guards down very quickly. WAW's biggest complaint is that we lost our "connection." Interesting to see if I can subtly "eye" some of that back. Perhaps we can at least offset some of the "pressure" of our R.