Positively moving forward

[ClingingToHope]

When XW starts talking about things at my house and my time -- the anger rises up quickly, and I'm concentrating very hard on trying to live without anger.

My house is my house and my time with my girls is my time and there are boundaries. If XW wants to set rules for the girls when they are with me then she should have stayed married.

It had better be very serious for you to bring it up because it will likely be a fight. Non-custodial parents already are a little leery because in the eyes of society and the courts, we are a lesser entity. Being dictated too would just be a double insult.

I have concerns about D12 and D8 and what they are hearing from XW, but I haven't said anything because that is her time. I can only offer them myself as a role model and let them decide.

Now, if she's snorting cocaine in front of them, that's a whole different story. I'm just saying it really has to be serious to bring it up.

[mishka422]

I agree with CTH here.

Unless something in that home that S will be exposed to will directly do damage to him, you really can't say a thing about it. Unless it is written into your D agreement that S can not be around certain people you are just going to have to be quiet and hope for the best.

I know that's not what you want to hear, but that is the reality of D. We can't be in direct control of our children's experiences and exposures any longer.

[awest1217]

I took the advice and didn't say anything. Class is almost over and otherwise nothing to report.

[awest1217]

A rough weekend or mostly Sunday. OW had S make a gift for XH for father's day which means they were alone together (I had bought him something from S). Then XH and S were supposed to go on an outing with just his dad for father's day. Then his mom wanted in and to make a long story short, OW went too.

It bugs me a ton, not because they are together so much although that does bother me, but more because XH doesn't respect me as S's mother to tell me as we both agreed when I first filed. Not because we want to know about each other, but because S is 3 and we need to understand what he is talking about. S was tellin me how XH lives with OW and I don't know how he knows that. S says gma and gpa told him, but I don't know. Then to tell me it would just be family, saying the specific members and to just not say OW on purpose is disrespectful and if anything I thought he respected me as S's mom.

[mishka422]

Playing devil's advocate here....as far as your XH is concerned, anyone he considers important to him is family and that would include OW. Of course, in his view OW is not an OW any longer, she is his GF, and a long term one at that. He wouldn't see anything disrespectful in involving a woman who holds an important spot in his life in your S's life.

I know that isn't what you want to hear, but it's the truth of D. You can't expect him to follow your expectations for your S. He will do what he feels is best in his own situation just as you will.

[awest1217]

Believe me mishka, I know XH sees OW as family, although he still tells me they are just friends. I think S should spend some time with her because she is a part of XH's life, but I hate the lying. I just want honesty. When he td me about the trip he didn't say family trip. He said guys only trip. Then his mom wanted to go so he told me individually who was coming never mentioning OW and never saying family or anything that would lump her in. We agreedto letthe other one know when significant others came into S's life because S is 3 and although he is extremely smart, he does mix things up so to be sure we are both telling S the same thing we agreed to tell each other when S is being introduced.

I know this will happen and I can't stop it and haven't even talked to XH about it. It just frustrates me that he asks me to keep him informed, but he won't do the same, and that even divorced he still can't be honest. Oh well...it makes me rethink being so respectful and nice to him, but I will still do it because it is best for S.

Also with S he is acting out a lot when he first comes home with XH. I am sure it is normal, but it bothers me that he yells at me for about two days after getting home. Then he is fine. He yells and tells me what to do. I have just turned to talking calmly and not reacting when S is that way and then once he calms down explain that he can't yell at mommy.

This is all exactly why I didn't want to D. D is hard, but besides last weekend, all is well. S and I made a tent in the living room and I slept the best I had in months so that was nice. We have dentist appointments this week. Spending time playing. An outdoor musical Friday with some family. Lunch with a friend from high school Saturday and Sunday will probably be the beach.

[ClingingToHope]

I can't remember, but have you sent him an email basically saying "I know she's your GF. Here's the times I've caught you not telling the truth about her. .... Now, can we please be honest with each other on this and then go from there."

Of course, I'm great at giving advice and not taking it. Although I'm trying to do better.

[awest1217]

I have e-mailed him, text him and even talked to him about the situation in the past. I have said, I know you guys are together so please just be honest with me now that we are Ding, but every time he has said "we are just friends". We even made an out of court agreement that I would drop something that he wouldn't budge on if he would answer a few e-mailed questions I had about our R, not so much about OW, but about our R so I could get my answers and really heal without always wondering if I was paranoid or not. Also to know if our R was always based on lies or not. Truth always helps me heal whether it hurts or not.

Of course, he has never and may never answer the e-mail. I figured that, but I thought I would try because I do feel part of me will always wonder because I never heard it from him.

Anyway, I have tried many times and calmly to get him to tell me, but he doesn't and probably never will. Even when previously mutual friends see them together he will split in two seconds and leave OW alone. Even at their apartment. He won't admit anything to anyone I know besides his family and I don't know how much he has told him (although xMIL or xFIL told S that XH doesn't live with them so I am wondering why because it wasn't XH). It stinks for OW because either she runs and hides while the friends talk with XH or he will bolt and she is left there alone.

Even with S, XH has never told him who OW is to him. I asked S who OW was and he said XH's girlfriend. I asked who told him this and he said he just knows. (My little sister has a boyfriend and so does my best friend so S knows what that looks like). I don't think XH has even told S anything besides OW is a friend.

I am trying this time to take a different approach and not say anything at all, which has been my approach for the last couple of months. I cannot control XH. It may bug me so I come on here to vent. I know I vent because of S and I am scared she will take my place with S although I know that can't happen, I am still scared. With XH as a romantic interest, I let that go the beginning of this year. Now it is just about S and also me being a little vengeful because XH already has his new life with OW and I am still alone and in some ways it makes me feel like his A was my fault and that I am not able to have an R.

I know, I know that is not true and I haven't even been on a date and probably won't for a little bit yet, but being honest on here about my feelings since it helps me to really heal to get those emotions and inadequacies out there in print so I can claim them, deal with them, and move on.

[ClingingToHope]

I won't beat you up by being honest. I used this site a lot to get those emotions out and took a few 2-by-4's for being honest.

Where do you think those feelings of the A being your fault comes from?

In my case, I finally figured out my anger at XW comes from fear that I won't find someone to love me, that the childhood taunts I heard of being ugly and unlovable are true.

That saying "sticks and stones may break your bones but names will never hurt you" is way, way off. Names hurt forever.

[BeingMe]

I'm glad you're not going to contact exH about this issue over OW's status again. It is annoying you ... I can tell ... but, your ExH does not seem like a very communicative, truthful person, so you're really butting your head against a wall, and getting nothing for the pain. It seems even OW doesn't know where she stands. Be thankful you're out of that madness. I mean, who just leaves a person when someone turns up?