It's going to take time for Herb to show me that he is changing his behaviour. Today, he caught himself trying to control me. That's huge!
I too am changing/softening as he is listening/reading. But what complicates your sitch is that she is probably feeling guilt as well. And that can make someone very defensive if they don't know how to deal with it (look at my H!).
Is she going to IC? I can relate to your W feeling that you were trying to control her with money. My H did that and my response was to provide my own. It was also an opportunity for him to see that I was serious - I think he thought I would flop though.
He used to scream that I would get half of his pension, alimony, etc. I loved to tell him that I didn't want it, and he could drown in his money, all alone. God that was mean.
Your W used a bandaid to meet her emotional needs. That complicated things. Now, she feels hurt, AND guilty. But I feel that every time guilty feelings pop up, she replaces them with how hurt she was and justifies it for the moment. Believe me, I've done a lot of thinking about H on this topic - toxic shame. That's why I ask if she's seeing an IC.
I'm going to miss you as well. Our walk/talk was nice; the dogs had fun.
Talking about our past/posts makes me nervous because I'm very conscious about the pain I've brought to your life.
You mentioned that you still don't trust me, especially when I was away teaching two years ago.
With my hand on my heart, you were, and will continue to be my number one priority.
I’m so sorry for being unfaithful and for not being the husband you deserve.
Herb
hey Toon. I think that you have a pretty good beat on what is going on with my W. No, she is not in IC. Probably not a bad idea at all.
Anyway, I don't want to hijack Herb's thread here... he is still moderated, so the above post may have been missed ^^^^^^
Don't want you to miss that... it is sweet.
Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I think that the last week was good for us. Yesterday was the first time in along time that we have talked about things, without me feeling that you were going to blow.
I couldn't tell that you were nervous; I thought you seemed open and receptive. That's why I even dared to tell you that I still wonder about your tasking in QC. I think it was 3 years ago. I thought that your calm reassuring response was what I've been needing all along. For the last 3 years, whenever I did mention it, you got so ugly that it only made me wonder more.
I think that this week has been so good that I was actually worried that you were thinking that everything is fine now. I know that that has happened many times before, then I say something to indicate that no, not all is well (in my head), and then you would bail, ask "why are we doing this anyway", or threaten divorce.
I'm so happy to be communicating and I'm thrilled that you are self-calming. I am still healing, but if you can keep talking like that, maybe we can put your anger and my fears to bed.
Keep doing what you're doing H, it is what I need to feel safe with you.
Denver, thanks for pointing that out. Herbs post snuck in there on the previous page, and I would have hated to miss it!
It was sweet. I'm so glad that H seems to be looking at our sitch from a different perspective now. I am finally feeling like my hurt is being acknowledged. His apology feels like it means something now too, where as before, they actually caused me pain.
This might take a while, with patience on both our parts, but I would rather have a slow road to recovery than a fast one to divorce!
I think that the last week was good for us. Yesterday was the first time in along time that we have talked about things, without me feeling that you were going to blow.
I couldn't tell that you were nervous; I thought you seemed open and receptive. That's why I even dared to tell you that I still wonder about your tasking in QC. I think it was 3 years ago. I thought that your calm reassuring response was what I've been needing all along. For the last 3 years, whenever I did mention it, you got so ugly that it only made me wonder more.
I think that this week has been so good that I was actually worried that you were thinking that everything is fine now. I know that that has happened many times before, then I say something to indicate that no, not all is well (in my head), and then you would bail, ask "why are we doing this anyway", or threaten divorce.
I'm so happy to be communicating and I'm thrilled that you are self-calming. I am still healing, but if you can keep talking like that, maybe we can put your anger and my fears to bed.
Keep doing what you're doing H, it is what I need to feel safe with you.
This kind of communication is just so awesome!!! It is really good to see. I hope that it is translating to the 'real' world.
Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I think that the last week was good for us. Yesterday was the first time in along time that we have talked about things, without me feeling that you were going to blow.
I couldn't tell that you were nervous; I thought you seemed open and receptive. That's why I even dared to tell you that I still wonder about your tasking in QC. I think it was 3 years ago. I thought that your calm reassuring response was what I've been needing all along. For the last 3 years, whenever I did mention it, you got so ugly that it only made me wonder more.
I think that this week has been so good that I was actually worried that you were thinking that everything is fine now. I know that that has happened many times before, then I say something to indicate that no, not all is well (in my head), and then you would bail, ask "why are we doing this anyway", or threaten divorce.
I'm so happy to be communicating and I'm thrilled that you are self-calming. I am still healing, but if you can keep talking like that, maybe we can put your anger and my fears to bed.
Keep doing what you're doing H, it is what I need to feel safe with you.
This kind of communication is just so awesome!!! It is really good to see. I hope that it is translating to the 'real' world.
Talk Please don't get me wrong. I was nervous, but in a good way. While we were talking, I kept reminding myself not to become complacent or to expect you to roll over in ecstasy because I'd stopped yelling for five minutes. I do feel good about the direction we're heading, and I really appreciate the opportunity your giving me. I also know trust has to be earned.
I had a good today and my W and I are communicating easily, allbeit via e-mail and phone. It's nice to read encouraging words from my W about the positve effects of communicating.
