Hi Pei, thanks for replying. Like most people here Ive read and re-read a tonne of threads. Some did the family thing others couldnt. Some had success and others didnt. In my opinion its an individual thing and you'll only ever know if its going to work if you try it out.
What I do know for sure is to enable me to do this I need to be emotionally stronger. I need to detach and detach some more. Let go of any expectations but hold on to hope. I will also be setting boundaries eg, no physical intimacy if he is still with OW.
I dont know what the outcome of this will be but I am willing to give it a shot. As I said before I may get hurt but Ill pick myself up and dust myself off. Wish me luck....
W - 31 H - 33 Married - 7 years Together - 10 yrs Kids - S 3yrs old Separated - 27/03/11 OW - 10/04/11
So excited today - Im doing my first indoor rock climb. Im petrified of heights so its a big deal for me. But Im taking every opportunity to do things that I would normally not do or am scared to do. So excited!
Am feeling great too. Getting compliments on how great I am looking. Im eating soooo healthy. Used to be such a chocoholic and now hardly touch it. Dont even crave it. Lost a bunch of weight and now im gonna do personal training sessions to tone up. Woohoo
Also just to make my day even better H just rang to ask about going out tonight with S3. I said yes and he will come and pick S3 and I up from my mums house. Not sure why but he mentioned that he left the baby seat in the car. Gee I hope hes not reading this thread?!
He also asked whether we could still see a movie on Sunday. I said sure but I had to go to the gym in the morning but I could come after lunch. He seemed really happy about this. And said he was looking forward to it.
I cut the conversation short and said I had to go, got heaps to do at work. Better get to it then.
Hope everyone is having a wonderful day
W - 31 H - 33 Married - 7 years Together - 10 yrs Kids - S 3yrs old Separated - 27/03/11 OW - 10/04/11
Just came home from having gone bowling with S3 and H. I bowled really well and even beat H - only second time in 10 yrs! He said sarcastically "did you become better at bowling too?". What H meant by this is since we have seperated I've done everything well. Work is fab- got a raise, I'm great at golf, I'm going out, looking after S3 and looking fab. Sensing some resentment on his part. Not my problem though, I beat him fare and square!
Had a great nite. H was trying to get close because we were all havig such a great time. But I pulled away. Didn't give him the chance again.
H once again left his phone in the car. Once we got back in the car he saw missed calls, I'm sure u can guess who. On the drive home which is only 5 mins away his phone rang over 10 times. It was on silent but kept vibrating and flashing. Bet you can't guess who I could sense H felt awkward and was trying to speed home.
My goodness these OW are so desperate. Would hate to be on such a short leash. Oh well his problem again, not mine.
We once again talked about his new job and the fact he will have to go away to another state for at least a week and then some more during the year. H out of the blue says "maybe you two could come up for the weekend while I'm there". I said maybe.
As you know I'm going with H and S3 to the movies this Sunday. H said I was also welcome to spend the day with him and S3 on Saturday. I said thanks but I'm busy. He also said I was welcome to sleep over his apartment on the Saturday nite. Again I said thanks but I'm sleeping over a friends place. Looks like H is wanting to spend more time together but I'm going to make sure that it's not too much too soon. Don't want to overwhelm him or me for that matter. Besides he is still with OW.
Funny thing that hapenned after H said goodbye he rushed off in his car. Musnt keep OW waiting, she must be fuming that he didn't answer her phone calls. Wouldn't want to be in his shoes tonite!
W - 31 H - 33 Married - 7 years Together - 10 yrs Kids - S 3yrs old Separated - 27/03/11 OW - 10/04/11
You are doing great! Sorry I haven't gotten to the boards as much as I use to, but I am GALing as much as possible! I am glad to see you are mentally in a good place. Keep with the detachment and not being too available to H!!
Blessings!
Lorie W47 H48 D16 M20 H gone 11/9/10 lives w/OW
When you forgive,you heal. When you let go,you grow. When you cry to God, you surrender. When you love unconditionally, you show others Christ's love.
At times I look at my situation and think, hey Im doing really well. H is making forward movement and pursuing. H is talking about future plans and being really nice. H is respecting boundaries.
Then there are moments when I realise that he is still with OW and this makes me sad and hurt.
I have great people around me who I can talk to. This helps so much. One of the girls here at work was once the OW. She told me that OW calling obsessively last night is a great sign. It means that she is getting worried about H and my relationship. And will no doubt pressure him, which in turn will ultimately ruin the relationship. She has really great insight about what the OW is like and she is brutally honest. I feel sorry for her sometimes. I really hope my H is strong enough to realise what OW is like.
W - 31 H - 33 Married - 7 years Together - 10 yrs Kids - S 3yrs old Separated - 27/03/11 OW - 10/04/11
You sound like you're doing really well. Most MLCers eventually see that the OW is not all they are cracked up to be. Your sitch sounds a lot like mine in that my H never could stop emailing, texting, having dinner etc with me. If you can maintain detachment it might work OK for you. But you can't have expectations. It's good that you can find some humor in the way the OW acts. I learned after the fact, that my H's behavior really freaked out the x-OW. They are very insecure. Keep up the good work!
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
Hi Al, so good to hear from you. I hope things are going well. Can you give us an update on how your sitch is going?
What did your H do to freak out OW?
My H is not frequently emailing, texting or calling. We stick to our schedule, that is 1 outing per week and he sees S3 1 day/night during weekend. Although now he is asking me to join them on the weekend. This will be the first weekend I will be joining them. I actually took my cue from you and the dinners you were having with your D and H.
Im trying to main detachment but to be honest it is difficult. And patience is at times excrutiating. But I know it is the only way to get through this roller coaster ride. But probably the hardest thing to deal with is trying not to believe any of what H says. H has said he has not ruled out reconciling, he has talked about us living together and buying a new car, he wants us to come to BILs engagement party, he wants us to join him interstate for the weekend, he wants me to sleep over at his apartment. Yet in saying all of this he is still with OW.
W - 31 H - 33 Married - 7 years Together - 10 yrs Kids - S 3yrs old Separated - 27/03/11 OW - 10/04/11
Although H told me it's over and told OW that he planned to get divorced (and he meant it), he would have panic attacks anytime he'd look at the divorce paperwork he printed out. I guess eventually, that started freaking out the OW. Plus, even though he had cut it off with her in November, he had to work with her in January. He allowed D and I to stay in his hotel room since it was in another town. When x-OW found out I was staying with him in his room (even though he had tried to cut it off with her) she totally freaked out again. That truly surprised me but as I soon learned (as did H) he did a poor job of cutting it off and she kept thinking he'd eventually come back to her.
If maintaining your patience is excruciating, then you're doing it wrong. It's not really patience. It's you ACTING as if you're patient. That's not the same thing. You need to look deeper within yourself and find that patience within. It's not an easy process but it can be done. What is preventing you from truly being calm and patient? Only you can answer that. That's not to say that even then, you can't have a break down. But it becomes much easier to deal with the day to day crap the LBS has to deal with once you have found that inner peace.
Not believing your H is very hard. But it was a mantra I told myself all the time. Believe NONE of what they say and only 50% of what they do. Most of the time, the mantra holds true. It's clear your H has no friggin' idea what he's doing. He's got his OW but he can't seem to completely let you go. And not to give you the wrong impression, but my H didn't text, email me ALL the time either. Especially when he was with x-OW, it was very infrequent. But when he did, it was unimportant "fun" stuff that he didn't HAVE to do but seemed to have a need to maintain some sort of contact. I always responded, but not always immediately. Each H is an individual and there is no one "right" way to do things. I know that had I gone NC with my H, it would have turned out quite differently. Sounds like your husband is similar. But I totally agree with you. No monkey business while he's still with his OW.
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
Yes you are correct - I am ACTING as if I am patient. If Im true to myself, which you need to be during this whole process, I am infact one of the most impatient people I know. Hence the ACTING as if. Fake it till you make it right! But I think Im doing ok. I dont contact at all. And to be honest Ive only been at it for a few months, so Im not going to beat myself up for being there yet. Time is my friend afterall. And if I look at my sitch, Ive come along way and have achieved many things along the way – personal goals that is. And yet in the same breath I know that I still have many things that I need to achieve.
I am upbeat most of the time. The nights are the killers though. Its difficult to fall asleep some nights as thoughts run through my head. Sometimes the thoughts are positive and some are not. I try to put my STOP sign up, but they creep in.
I did backslide the other night. I found H's old phone and I turned it on. Found some email correspondence between H and OW. Made me feel ill, mad, hurt, sad. Snooping must be the dumbest thing on earth and yet we cant help but do it. But now ive done it and I know more about their relationship. Did the facts make me feel better.....uhm no. Did it make me feel worse......err yes. So lesson learned. No more snooping.
I know that OW isnt going to let H go easily. She and he are "in love" afterall. And Im sure she wont hesitate to try the old "im going to kill myself" routine. I do feel a bit better that they wont be working together soon. But also realise that this will not be the deciding factor in their relationship. But it will at least end some of the ties to her.
I really appreciate your advice Al, it means so much to me.
W - 31 H - 33 Married - 7 years Together - 10 yrs Kids - S 3yrs old Separated - 27/03/11 OW - 10/04/11
