25, thank you for stopping in, I really appreciate it.
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But that's not the case with CS's wife. She's openly miserable. She's NOT having the best of either world and it's painfully obvious to her (and me). True, this isn't necessarily moving her towards CS either b/c she thinks things have gone too far, (my first guess)
BOY HAVE I THOUGHT ABOUT THIS A LOT!!!
So many times I have wanted to somehow show her something to make her believe otherwise, but the reality is there is nothing I can do. I could tell her I forgive her, but my words won’t make her believe it. It also doesn’t fix the issue if she cannot forgiver herself.
TBH, I can completely understand. I can see how she would believe there is no way we could ever be happy with each other again after what has happened. I could not say 100% she would be wrong either.
I know this, it would be a very tough road putting all of this behind us and moving forward if she ever did want to try.
She has shown a lot lately that she is not happy. However, it is tough to know if it is due to her grief of losing her father, or anything to do with us.
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AND OR because she still thinks she can somehow pull off a better life without marriage to him, down the road. Clearly it's not now.
Of course this does have to be hanging out there as well. I am sure she does see some light at the end of the tunnel. Who knows if that light will ever dim.
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and what we are seeing is her stalling out.
I am HOPING that it means she's getting close to hitting the wall where she really has to look at the choices she has made and whether she's truly happier with these choices and IF NOT, what can she do about that...
But she's only beginning that stage imo. I hope CS can live his life well enough and happily enough that it doesn't matter to him all that much, what his w does...b/c HE is alright, no matter what. That means, among other things, NOT reading into everything.
CS til she SAYS OR DOES something about more time with you...none of this other stuff, matters much. Enjoy the fact that she is not a witch to you. It matters and it's a good thing, no question.
But that only means, she's not a witch to you. Let that be enough for now. No conflicts....and you live your life. Let her discover whatever it is she needs to discover to wake up. When she does, she may decide she's in a different place and is not interested in a reconciliation. We cannot know yet. She doesn't know.
This is what is so tough. I still crave some control I guess. I’m just being honest here. I want to be able to do something that may help. I at least want to know what I am doing is not hurting.
This is really the part of all of this I struggle with so much. The unknown. The doubting.
Day to day, I have a lot of good times. Shoot, I can even say I am happy much of the time. I have many things I enjoy. I just still think WAY too much. I question what I am doing and whether I should be doing something else.
No guarantees. Patience. Lack of control. These are still my BIG struggles.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
It really is time to let go of the rope and do things for ourselves for our kids. Ii REALLY IS. ITS time to let go of the rope REAL REAL.
This is the tough part. I DO things for myself and my D. My biggest problem is my MIND. This is the part I have had a hard time controlling. Controlling actions is one thing, controlling what a philosopher once described as a "drunkin monkey" (the human mind) is another.
I think the most I can offer right now is becoming more mindful of my thoughts. Mindfulness is something I have been working on, but it is not easy.
A general definition:
a kind of nonelaborative, nonjudgmental, present-centered awareness in which each thought, feeling, or sensation that arises in the attentional field is acknowledged and accepted as it is
Basically, at least for me, I think of it this way. I WILL have negative thoughts. I WILL have thoughts that do not benefit my goal and where I want to go. However, if I am mindful of my thoughts, I can step back from them, accept them for what they are, and continue to move forward. In other words, these thoughts will not keep me stuck.
Of course, with this said, I do also believe we can reduce our negative thoughts through our actions. GAL, DOING things, helps to keep the mind focus on the current activity.
At the end of the day, sadly, I think time will be the ultimate factor in actually reducing the frequency and intensity of these thoughts.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
Those are a couple of great post Country. I don't have anything to add. Just wanted to drop in.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
I so relate to your comments. I too have done some serious "stinkin' thinkin'" for years.
The things I worried about usually, were things over which I had
little to no control....almost all of it.
I figured out once that it was literally an hour or two a day, over a 24 hr period and it added up to a few years of my life
needless, counter productive NEGATIVE UNHAPPY thinking, which means unhappy living...all self inflicted...
Like rh, I too found Tolle's book "the Power of Now" helpful
although for some reason I preferred the audio version. I'd listen to it at night & it helped me sleep. At times, it was just what I needed to hear...As I view it, it's a cognitive tool to help quell cognitive malfunctions. It works.
Getting rid of this handicapping habit, is really worthy of your efforts.
I was travelling last week and the plane hit some turbulence. That reminded me of a near crash landing I was in years ago, where the landing gear would not come down, and all of the passengers knew it was to be an emergency landing.
We all felt it might be our time to die.
Ever since then, when I fly, I cross myself on take off and landing. I never fly without doing that.
I sort of want to stop. But then I irrationally wonder if "this time I don't cross myself...could it be THE TIME it crashes?"....
it's weird and neurotic of me, and I know this!
The friend I was with on that flight years ago, confessed to me she has to say the "Our Father" three times, no matter what...or what?
Or...it will crash?
Why? B/c the 'Gods of planes" will punish us for not doing the ritual?
This logic would mean that my ritual is solely responsible for keeping the plane airborne...um, yeah...
(SIGH)
It's very neurotic, we both know that. But the behavior was triggered by a traumatic event in our lives...and now and then it flashes into our minds.
But see, crossing myself, however needless, only takes seconds of my life, and it doesn't hurt relationships.
Your stinkin' thinkin' needs work, and it is so worth your efforts.
It's directly related to your happiness, (and your w's and family's...) So you gotta do what you gotta do
to fix it. It's eating away at you and is self inflicted Unhappiness.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Hey CS - Just want to say that I too am inflicted with 'stinkin thinkin'! You're not alone. There are days (such as the past 2) where I almost drive myself crazy with it.
We are both very lucky to have other such as 25 to set us straight!
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
