The other day I was walking my dog along a trail. A storm moved in and the trees swayed back and forth. In the forest I could see trees fall over, usually it was the stronger bigger trees. The ones that refused to bend to the wind. The smaller more flexible trees would move back and forth but did not break.
On my drive home I remembered something I read awhile ago regarding change.
"Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us"
If you fight change, if you resist it you will self-destruct. Life in essence is change. This will not be the only time in my life I will experience insurmountable pain, this will not be the only time that I will feel as if the ground should swallow me to avoid the pain. If we become like the smaller trees that move and bend with the wind we will sway we will get to the point where we feel like breaking but as is the law of nature we will always return to our natural form.
However if we are like the strong trees who refuse to move, to accept the unstoppable force that we face we will collapse under our own weight.
A lot was said on my previous thread, I found it fascinating how two opposing points of views clashed and even though they had read the same book and read the same threads they could not agree on its meaning.
I suppose this is the case with many things. People have argued about the bible for thousands of years and still can't agree.
There is nothing new to report in my thread other than I continue to move along with my life. Some days are good some days are still a little rough. The pain is real. The feeling in my gut still lingers. Her memory still haunts my thoughts.
I am living though. It is a shame that in order for me to live a part of me had to die.
But
I am moving on. Man cannot discover new oceans unless he is willing to lose sight of the shore.
I have stayed away from posting for awhile and probably will continue to for the time being. I imagine I will do like so many other veterans and return at some point to help those that are just starting out. If it was not for their support in my first few days I am not sure where I would be right now. I would have been like the oak, collapsing under my own weight.
Words fail me!
I cannot describe the unbearable pain I was in, the darkness in my heart. Everything I knew was over. Everything I was. I saw no light. No future. No hope. My life had unraveled and was slipping away. Every phone call made my stomach turn. I remember back in Feb she sent me a picture of her swollen eye. I looked at it for hours. I could not believe what was happening. Each day turned into an eternity each night into a living hell.
YOU cheered me on. You held me up. You supported me. You held my hand. You saw the pain. You encouraged me to continue. You gave me advice. You gave me wisdom. You kept me in check when I lost my way, and when the whole world seemed to have turned from me I came here and found the support I so desperately needed. So I would like to extend a special thanks to all those who have followed my sitch. Who did not give up on me even though I wanted to give up on myself. Some are still around and some have moved on from the boards.
I have been lucky for the most part. I have had some of the wisest posters contribute to my thread. I am very thankful for that.
If you are starting out I will say this:
Not every sitch is salvageable but you will never regret walking this journey. My consolidation prize?
I did EVERYTHING I could to save my M. For me, For her, For my D, and while I can’t claim being totally healed yet, I imagine that it will take years, I can say that I am recovering; slowly at first and much more quickly now. I handled myself with dignity and class and that you will NEVER regret.
It did not happen overnight. It was not one single event that gave me permission to move on. It was a progression. The final “straw”? OM. Each person has to find their inner peace, their Invisible line. I have comfortably found mine.
It is not about OM. I don’t blame him at all. It has more to do with what I can live with and what I refuse to accept. The R did not start overnight. It had been going on for some time and while I’m sure it was not physical it was certainly emotional and heading towards the physical. This was clear to my X. In the back of my head I feared this to be the case. She did not wake up one day and say “I think I will move in with OM next week”. This was discussed in great detail prior to her moving. I have played our convo’s in my head for days now, weeks even. I have gone back and re-read them. Our last “real” convo was 1 week before she moved. She told me about her talk with Jody (DB Coach) she told me how sad she was about the lost dreams and hopes. When I mentioned it did not have to be this way she agreed. She intentionally kept the intent secret from me and while I agree that she owes me nothing I think it is at least common decency to set proper expectations.
From December till she moved she was building the foundations of her new R while making sure I did not go too far. She wanted to keep me holding on and while I don’t think every interaction had a hidden meaning I do believe she knew exactly what was happening. This to me is unforgivable.
Before everyone jumps down my throat and tells me forgiveness is a gift I give myself I will explain.
I understand and I agree. I do forgive her but forgiveness does not include my acceptance of the actions, and this is where SBH post comes in.
Originally Posted By: sad_but_happy
“I will not duck everyones critisizm of my take on the WAS situation. I am here and I will answer the questions.
Yes, I guess you could say I am a success story. My W has cut off all ties, wants to be married, and wants to spend "forever" together. We ML all the time again and do lots of things together. So from that aspect I guess I have been a successful DB'er.
I don't claim to have all the answers, nor did I try to offend. I'm simply tired of the constant bashing each and every LBS takes upon themselves.
WE need to look back and change
WE need to do better
WE need to treat our S better
WE WE WE WE WE
And after all is said and done, the WAS has the CHOICE to stay or go. The WAS makes the final decision. This after MANY OF THEM do more hurt than can be imagined. And we wait for them.
And you know why?
Because WE allow it.
We tell them things like:
"I am here for you".
"Here, let me help you move all my stuff to your new home".
"If you need to talk after having sex with OM, I will be here for you".
"I want to be your friend".
"Oh and W, if you need a set of Ba!!s, you can have mine as I really don't need them any more".
And I am not speaking from any anger. I am in no way upset or hurt by my W actions. I am confused why I put up with it. I know the answer why, but I don't like it.
It wasn't love first and foremost.
It was fear.
In my mind there is more right and more wrong in life which I understand some on this board don't agree with.
And I will keep you all posted on my decision to stay with or leave my W.
The nice thing about piecing and gaining a comfort level is you get to reflect on your situation WITHOUT fear or emotion. You get to decide if staying IS really the best option.
Sometimes one little kiss is enough 25. Sometimkes one EA (even one that lasts only 45 days) is to many. I just haven't decided yet.
As MWD says, DB'ing is about finding yourself. Finding what you deserve. Finding your happiness. And finding a person that would not cheat.
I really do like you all and admire everyones strength. And I look forward to reading great success stories in the future.”
I believe that most of us act out of fear. Fear that they will leave us, stop calling, and leave with OM and so on and so on. It is this fear the stops us from making rational decisions. That allows the control of the sitch to shift in favor of one person and when that person has the control it is almost always exclusively exercised to manipulate and in some extreme cases to hurt. It is our love for them that allows us to stand and take this because of fear and blame.
Ideally, a marriage should be viewed as sharing a vision of the good life,in building a partnership to achieve important life goals, and working to develop the personal virtues that will sustain and enrich that partnership. For the most part, a sincere effort by you [b]and your partner [/b]to live by these virtues will help us avoid many of the problems that arise for us during our marriage. When we build our relationship on a foundation of true friendship, sincere forgiveness, a willingness to look past each other's weaknesses, a commitment to fairness, and a deep loyalty to each other, we are often able to prevent troubles from becoming a threat to our marriage.
However, there are times when even the best of marriages go off track. Marriage and family life can be hard.
Personal virtues such as fairness, generosity, and loyalty, are core features of strong, lasting marriages. For most of us, we grow in our ability to live according to these virtues as we confront the day-to-day ups and downs of real life. However, it is in times of serious challenges or troubles that we truly learn how deep our convictions to these virtues really are. Indeed, the strength of our commitment and dedication can only truly be determined when our relationship is troubled. In times of marital trouble, we find out what kind of commitment we have to our spouse, our children, and our marriage.
Based on my feeling and all the books and articles I have read IMO there are two kinds of marital commitment. The first, more tentative types of commitment have become increasingly popular in our culture that stresses personal happiness and self-fulfillment. We can call this "commitment-as-long-as." This type of commitment usually involves couples who are committed as long as they make each other happy, as long as they get along, as long as their individual life goals line up, as long as they don't fight too much, as long as the sex is good, as long as the relationship meets their needs and helps them grow as people. The bottom line is: we are committed to staying together, not as long as we both shall live, but as long as things are working out for me.
The second kind of commitment that we can achieve in our marriage is not tentative or conditional. It can be referred to as "commitment-no-matter-what." This kind of commitment is "the long view of marriage in which you don't balance ledgers every month to see if you are getting an adequate return on your investment." This type of commitment is a critical part of working through the rough patches that confront every marriage. When both partners are committed to making things better and in finding ways to improve the situation, there is real hope that relationships will help them survive marital troubles. Moreover, many couples get past these troubles and come to know each other in new, more meaningful ways and achieve a deeper level of love and friendship. This is very evident in my own family and several close friends of the family.
Married life is not always easy and it certainly isn't carefree. The reality in life is that life-long marriages almost always experience times of difficulty. Marriage is about working through problems, holding on to hope, letting go of negative feelings, looking past a partner's faults, seeking help when needed, remembering our promises to each other, and caring for each other even when we feel disappointed or hurt. We learn to treasure companionship when we feel alone and we appreciate all the good things in our marriage when we experience some of the tough times.
Nothing meaningful in life comes without effort and sacrifice, but in the end it is our sacrifices for things that make them meaningful to us.
I think in a way this is the point SBH was trying to make if it is not, then I apologize to him, but it is never the less my opinion.
In order to keep this post from becoming overwhelming I will post part two of how I am doing and what is new.
I will also post my own rebuttal because as is the case with everything there are two sides to every story and I would hate to give the impression I am placing blame.
