Positively moving forward

[awest1217]

I have e-mailed him, text him and even talked to him about the situation in the past. I have said, I know you guys are together so please just be honest with me now that we are Ding, but every time he has said "we are just friends". We even made an out of court agreement that I would drop something that he wouldn't budge on if he would answer a few e-mailed questions I had about our R, not so much about OW, but about our R so I could get my answers and really heal without always wondering if I was paranoid or not. Also to know if our R was always based on lies or not. Truth always helps me heal whether it hurts or not.

Of course, he has never and may never answer the e-mail. I figured that, but I thought I would try because I do feel part of me will always wonder because I never heard it from him.

Anyway, I have tried many times and calmly to get him to tell me, but he doesn't and probably never will. Even when previously mutual friends see them together he will split in two seconds and leave OW alone. Even at their apartment. He won't admit anything to anyone I know besides his family and I don't know how much he has told him (although xMIL or xFIL told S that XH doesn't live with them so I am wondering why because it wasn't XH). It stinks for OW because either she runs and hides while the friends talk with XH or he will bolt and she is left there alone.

Even with S, XH has never told him who OW is to him. I asked S who OW was and he said XH's girlfriend. I asked who told him this and he said he just knows. (My little sister has a boyfriend and so does my best friend so S knows what that looks like). I don't think XH has even told S anything besides OW is a friend.

I am trying this time to take a different approach and not say anything at all, which has been my approach for the last couple of months. I cannot control XH. It may bug me so I come on here to vent. I know I vent because of S and I am scared she will take my place with S although I know that can't happen, I am still scared. With XH as a romantic interest, I let that go the beginning of this year. Now it is just about S and also me being a little vengeful because XH already has his new life with OW and I am still alone and in some ways it makes me feel like his A was my fault and that I am not able to have an R.

I know, I know that is not true and I haven't even been on a date and probably won't for a little bit yet, but being honest on here about my feelings since it helps me to really heal to get those emotions and inadequacies out there in print so I can claim them, deal with them, and move on.