Rebuilding a friendship...Thread #4

[Denver_2010]

Well, it has been a couple weeks since I provided a proper update. It has now been 6 months since our big pre-Christmas blowup and the beginning of our separation.

My biggest concern right now is our little interactions. It seems that she is very intent on showing me that she doesn’t love me and almost disapproves of me loving her.

Here’s some examples:

Every morning when I leave for work I tell her “see you tonight” and her response is always “ok”. Usually I’ll respond to that with “have a good day” and she typically doesn’t say anything back.

Any time I ask her how she’s doing or how her day was, her response is “all right”. That’s it. No follow ups, no asking me how my day was, nothing.

Most times when I try to have a conversation with her, it seems that she tries to end it as quickly as possible.

Now here’s the real kicker…if I pull back and don’t initiate these pleasantries or conversations, she assumes that I am upset with her and she gets mad because I am being “the same old Navyguy” by walking around the house “in a mood”.

How the he|| do I break this cycle??? Whether I’m nice or I pull away, I end up feeling like crap, and it doesn’t seem to affect how W treats me at all.

Now on to some specifics:

W seemed to enjoy her trip to Kansas. I didn’t initiate any contact with her the entire time she was gone. She texted me to tell me she arrived there, and the only time I heard from her while she was there was on Father’s day when she left a voicemail to tell me happy father’s day. She didn’t do anything else for me for father’s day…I guess I was at least expecting a card from the kids or something. But yesterday she told me that she had gotten me a gift and a couple cards and she meant to give them to me before her trip but she couldn’t find where she put the cards.

Awhile ago I signed W and I up for a Retrouvaille session in the middle of July. On Friday, I got a call from the coordinator asking for the deposit, because I hadn’t sent it in yet. I hadn’t asked W yet if she was interested in going, but I had to let the coordinator know one way or another, so I asked her about it last night. I asked in what I thought was a very nice/disarming way. I said: “I held a spot for us in an upcoming marriage retreat weekend and I need to let the guy know if we’re attending. If you aren’t interested that is fine or if you want to find out more about it I will give you the name of it and you can decide after you have read about it”. W immediately replied that she was not interested.

On the more positive side of things, W made a small physical contact with me last Thursday. We were putting the kids to bed and W’s back was hurting so she got out her massager while I was reading the kids their story. After the story, W and the kids all laid in bed while I massaged their backs with the massager…mostly focused on W, of course. After that I laid down between the kids and W started giving me a scalp massage. This was something she always used to do and I really loved it. It didn’t last very long and I think she was just doing it to show the kids how to do it, but it was sure nice while it lasted.

Anyways, I’m planning to keep the good fight going. W is starting school next Monday. I think I need to keep up better with my journaling here. It does seem to help me stay focused on the positives when I write them down.

Hey Navy! Nice to hear from you.

It is looking to me that our situations are moving closer and closer to being very similar. Your W seems to want the M to reconcile, but is unwilling, or at least not ready, to work at it. My W seems to be in the same boat.

Your sitch has gone on for 6 months, mine is right at 7 months.

Don't know why I point this out... I guess my point is that you are not alone in your frustration.

We both need to keep focused on the positives, stay patient, and give things time.

Maybe we can keep reminding each other of these things.

At least you haven't had to deal with an OM. There's a positive for you!

Stay strong Navy... and stay in the game. I have a feeling that IF things work out for you and/or me... that it will be worth it.

BITS
Denver