Rebuilding a friendship...Thread #4

[Redo]

Now here’s the real kicker…if I pull back and don’t initiate these pleasantries or conversations, she assumes that I am upset with her and she gets mad because I am being “the same old Navyguy” by walking around the house “in a mood”.

I keep finding a lot similarities in your sitch and mine in 2009.

Now your wife has been clear about staying in for the kids not the marriage. However the outcome of this dysfunctional situation will affect both of you soon and then the kids.

What i am saying is that this situation you are in. It is not a stable state. Someone is gonna give in here. I dunno, maybe you can site down with her and try to explain that in the long term your current situation might affect the kids. And might be you can try 're-dicovering' each other again.

Just a thought.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

You know R talks are bad right?

I mean everyone says it.

Most times when I try to have a conversation with her, it seems that she tries to end it as quickly as possible.

Now here’s the real kicker…if I pull back and don’t initiate these pleasantries or conversations, she assumes that I am upset with her and she gets mad because I am being “the same old Navyguy” by walking around the house “in a mood”.

Want to change something?

Tell her that.

Nicely.

Ask her how she wants you to interact with her.

I know...I know its like an R talk.

but, its something different.

[Denver_2010]

Well, it has been a couple weeks since I provided a proper update. It has now been 6 months since our big pre-Christmas blowup and the beginning of our separation.

My biggest concern right now is our little interactions. It seems that she is very intent on showing me that she doesn’t love me and almost disapproves of me loving her.

Here’s some examples:

Every morning when I leave for work I tell her “see you tonight” and her response is always “ok”. Usually I’ll respond to that with “have a good day” and she typically doesn’t say anything back.

Any time I ask her how she’s doing or how her day was, her response is “all right”. That’s it. No follow ups, no asking me how my day was, nothing.

Most times when I try to have a conversation with her, it seems that she tries to end it as quickly as possible.

Now here’s the real kicker…if I pull back and don’t initiate these pleasantries or conversations, she assumes that I am upset with her and she gets mad because I am being “the same old Navyguy” by walking around the house “in a mood”.

How the he|| do I break this cycle??? Whether I’m nice or I pull away, I end up feeling like crap, and it doesn’t seem to affect how W treats me at all.

Now on to some specifics:

W seemed to enjoy her trip to Kansas. I didn’t initiate any contact with her the entire time she was gone. She texted me to tell me she arrived there, and the only time I heard from her while she was there was on Father’s day when she left a voicemail to tell me happy father’s day. She didn’t do anything else for me for father’s day…I guess I was at least expecting a card from the kids or something. But yesterday she told me that she had gotten me a gift and a couple cards and she meant to give them to me before her trip but she couldn’t find where she put the cards.

Awhile ago I signed W and I up for a Retrouvaille session in the middle of July. On Friday, I got a call from the coordinator asking for the deposit, because I hadn’t sent it in yet. I hadn’t asked W yet if she was interested in going, but I had to let the coordinator know one way or another, so I asked her about it last night. I asked in what I thought was a very nice/disarming way. I said: “I held a spot for us in an upcoming marriage retreat weekend and I need to let the guy know if we’re attending. If you aren’t interested that is fine or if you want to find out more about it I will give you the name of it and you can decide after you have read about it”. W immediately replied that she was not interested.

On the more positive side of things, W made a small physical contact with me last Thursday. We were putting the kids to bed and W’s back was hurting so she got out her massager while I was reading the kids their story. After the story, W and the kids all laid in bed while I massaged their backs with the massager…mostly focused on W, of course. After that I laid down between the kids and W started giving me a scalp massage. This was something she always used to do and I really loved it. It didn’t last very long and I think she was just doing it to show the kids how to do it, but it was sure nice while it lasted.

Anyways, I’m planning to keep the good fight going. W is starting school next Monday. I think I need to keep up better with my journaling here. It does seem to help me stay focused on the positives when I write them down.

Hey Navy! Nice to hear from you.

It is looking to me that our situations are moving closer and closer to being very similar. Your W seems to want the M to reconcile, but is unwilling, or at least not ready, to work at it. My W seems to be in the same boat.

Your sitch has gone on for 6 months, mine is right at 7 months.

Don't know why I point this out... I guess my point is that you are not alone in your frustration.

We both need to keep focused on the positives, stay patient, and give things time.

Maybe we can keep reminding each other of these things.

At least you haven't had to deal with an OM. There's a positive for you!

Stay strong Navy... and stay in the game. I have a feeling that IF things work out for you and/or me... that it will be worth it.

BITS
Denver

[Navyguy]

CS: I agree with everything you posted. I have been primarily focused on the kids. I think my biggest weakness is my GAL and getting out of the house. I have a hard time with that because W seems to resent being "stuck" in the house while I am out doing something. I have been playing in a couple soccer leagues and golfing every once in awhile, but I'm probably not GAL'ing as much as I could be because of my fear of her resenting it.

Karma: I agree that this can't go on like this forever. I know it is already affecting our kids. W and I have talked about that. I think she knows it deep down, but doesn't want to hear it from me, or anyone else for that matter. As far as re-discovering each other goes, I think her position on that is still perfectly clear...she has no interest in it now.

J3B: I like the idea of telling her that, but I'm not sure how I could say it in a way that she would percieve as "nicely" and not self-serving. I might need a script for that if anyone has any ideas.

Denver: I agree...and reminding each other to stay patient and positive would definitely be a good thing for both of us. We'll get there someday. When we do, I'll take a trip back home and we can go celebrate at Casa Bonita!

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Practice that 'script' here.

You'll get feedback.

[Denver_2010]

Denver: I agree...and reminding each other to stay patient and positive would definitely be a good thing for both of us. We'll get there someday. When we do, I'll take a trip back home and we can go celebrate at Casa Bonita!

Nice!!!

[25yearsmlc]

navy,

let's work on that script. You gots to do somethin' different cuz this sukkks!

And it isn't healthy for the kids and I'm glad you think she's figuring that out.

IF she's not interested in Retrovaille (can't believe she wouldn't even call? Tell her you'd benefit even if you do divorce. There were couples there with that as their goal, but ALL the couples benefitted, including them.

We attended great workshops early in our m, and some mediocre ones, I had modest expecations of Retrovaille. But we were blessed with the exact right combination of host couples

who told US what we needed to hear.

Will she ever get help? What is your R like with her family today? Sorry if you said it before but I can't recall it.

Geez, if you do find a c, you can ask for a Pro-Marriage T or C. Happy couples go to retreats but happy couples don't go to counselling often,

so when a pro-M counselor advises div b/c "someone's not happy", I wonder what they meant by saying "pro m"...sheesh. So don't bother with marriage counselling until IF AND WHEN you have someone who really is pro marriage AND more important, a willing spouse.


Good luck, hang in there and let's start some

playwriting...you know, the SCRIPT!!

Give us an outline and we'll flesh it out

[fade]

I think my biggest weakness is my GAL and getting out of the house. I have a hard time with that because W seems to resent being "stuck" in the house while I am out doing something.

She's not stuck in the house if you take your kids out with you when you GAL. You can have a life at the playground.

[25yearsmlc]

some of the GAL has to be without the kids

Navy needs to meet new people for real, and to create some mystery.

Plan ahead and ask her if a babysitter is needed so she can go out somewhere too...after all, according to her, you guys are just roomies with kids...

[Navyguy]

Hey everyone...sorry I haven't posted my draft script yet. I've been really busy the last couple days. Things have been pretty good with W too.

25...exactly how I feel about the GAL...I love my kids more than anything, but for GAL to serve it's intended purposes, it can't always be me taking the kids out for an activity.